Back on the Wagon - How to

My birthday present to myself* was the Fat Loss Troubleshoot and the Metabolic Repair Manual, which I’m forcing myself to read, not skim (as I typically do). I’m hoping that by applying some science to it, I will break through this plateau.

I’m also considering the Beck Diet Solution as it addresses the mental patterns associated with successful and unsuccessful dieting. However, I can only handle so much dry diet-talk at a time, so I think I’ll wait on that for a bit.

And of course there’s the wii fit that I got for my birthday yesterday from Nick** which told me I was at the very top of my healthy range and then bluntly encouraged me to drop some pounds. I didn’t find it offensive (although Nick was told that he’s overweight and he’s been obsessing over it ever since), and I think that it will be a good motivator aside from being a more active way to spend an evening than watching the telly.

So I’ve got a little less than four weeks before bootcamp starts up again, at which time I get assessed. I plan on at LEAST being back where I was at the end of the last camp, and hopefully somewhat ahead. So let’s say 21 days.

21 days…. and GO!


* Yeah, I buy myself a birthday present. My birthday is not much celebrated what with it’s proximity to Christmas (resulting in combo gifts) and being the day before New Year’s Eve (‘cause who wants to go to a party the night before the big party?), so I just do my own thing.

** Not a hint on his part, rather a request on mine.

Oh S***

So I weighed myself this morning for the first time in almost two weeks.

And I managed to pack on 6 pounds since December 20th, beinging me back to 155.6 lbs.

Ugh.

It totally makes sense. I haven’t worked out, walked much, or really tried to manage what I’ve been shoving in my face for the past two weeks. And not only did I have all the Christmas eatin’, I also had my birthday yesterday which entailed more yummy food and a beautiful cake from one of my favorite bakery.* However, birthdays are also filled with strife and introspection, so I’m so frustrated that I’m starting this year of my life with an additional 10 pounds.

So I’m back on the proverbial wagon. Again.

Ugh.

* “One of” as in there are several bakeries that I love… are we starting to see part of the problem here?

The results are in

Day 28 was on Sunday. Here are the results:

Chest: was – 35.75”, is – 35.75”
Waist: was – 30.25”, is – 28.75”
Hips: was – 41”, is – 40.25”

Wt: was – 155.8lbs, is – 150.0lbs.
Body comp.: was – 28.6%, is – 27.7%

Can I get YAY?

I was pleased with my progress. After all, almost 6 lbs is nothing to sniff at. However, when we used the body composition percentages to determine my lean body mass (LBM), it showed that I dropped by 2.2lbs. That means that of the 5.8lbs that I lost, only 3.6lbs was fat and the rest was precious muscle mass.*

For the sports and activities in which I’m involved my LBM was already low, and I really can’t afford to lose any more. In fact, the nice trainer lady said that I should really be focusing on upping it.

This is a little frustrating. I’ve got good upper body strength compared to most women, but not the muscle mass. Basically, from what I understand, what muscle I have fires really effectively which produces the strength. However, I need more of it, not just to enjoy a higher metabolism, but also to ensure that I have lots of healthy muscle as I age.

So, I guess this means more strength training, something I hadn’t been doing much of except that which was part of boot camp.

I am going to return to the classes in January as I really enjoyed them and I like the focus that they provide. The next session starts January 26th, which is just under 6 weeks. I intend to work on my own during that period to improve my stats so that my initial starting point is even better.

* In the spirit of full disclosure, feeling kinda bad about the mixed results, I proceeded to overeat upon getting home. Sigh. Two steps forward, one step back.

The Mean Reds

I’ve been lax in maintaining my written accounts of my latest attempt at consistency, but fear not all! I have been doing very well in the actual consistency part. I’m on Day 25 now, and have succeeded in moving my posterior almost every single one of those days.

Food is still a struggle for me, though. I have so many triggers it’s hard to keep them all straight sometimes. The worst is when I feel hateful and apathetic, or as the darling Holly Golightly said, the Mean Reds. It’s then that I just don’t care about my goals, don’t care about living healthfully, just don’t care period. It’s at these times when I can recognize that I’m eating emotionally and just keep on going because I don’t care about the ramifications.

So, I suppose I should try and address the underlying problem with the Mean Reds. But where to start? I know a lot if it stems from my frustration with my relationship with Nick. I love him so much, and as much as he makes me crazy, he’s one of the few men I’ve met that can date me and not be steam rollered. But the qualities that allow us to work as a couple also are the ones that make me unhappy.

On a less heavy front, I haven’t been weighing myself daily, as I want to get it down to once a week (down from several emotionally wrought times a day). However, I did backslide a bit yesterday and was 150.8lbs. We’ll see what the official weigh-in day (Sunday) reveals!

Day 10 - Keepin' On

I feel I need to be regular about tracking somewhere, so I here I am, although I don’t have much to say at the moment. I weighed in this morning at 150.8lbs after 10 days of trying to be diligent. This would seem like such a fantastic accomplishment, if not for the fact that I hit the same number on Saturday and then promptly fell off the rails, making the work of the past 4 days directed to correcting my foolishness.

I’ve been pretty consistent with my training. However, I did have a couple of minor binges over the weekend and on Monday night. I know their cause, a lethal combo of sadness (usually generated by a sense of unloveliness due to Nick) and restlessness. I keep going in circles about what I should do about the situation, but at least I can acknowledge its presence.

I’m going to keep on keepin’ on and will try to be more faithful in posting.

Steppin' (and day 5 and counting...)

151.8 today, so slightly up. I’m working accept the fluctuations of my body and recognizing that half a pound of gain is nothing to stress about. There is a fine line to walk here, because it’s that laidback attitude that caused the 10+ pound gain of the past year. However, I do think that it’s a valid attitude when one is eating well (check), monitoring portion control (check) and exercising almost daily (and check).

I’m still struggling to move more during the day. I’m not talking about planned exercise, because I’ve gotten up for an hour of boot camp at omigod o’clock every morning for the past five days. I’m referring to the small things that tend to add up through the day like walking to someone's office rather than calling them, walking to do errands and whatnot. I really try to do what I can, taking the stairs and parking further away and all of that. And yet I’m struggling to hit 10,000 steps on my pedometer.

Why do I care? Because there are studies that show that people who have no problem maintaining their weights or who are “naturally” skinny are actually those individuals who tend to be twitchier and who just move around more in the natural course of their day.

My weight gain corresponds pretty closely to when Nick and moved in together, and I can think of three reasons why. 1. There has been more tension and I’m an emotional eater, so I’ve done the food comfort thing more than I used to. This made worse by 2. Nick’s habit of keeping snack food around, something I never did when I lived alone. If I wanted ice cream I went and bought an ice cream cone. I NEVER bought a tub of ice cream ‘cause I knew that when I was feeling emotionally frail it would call to me. And 3. I used to walk about an hour to an hour and a half a day to and from work (and maybe more to do other errands) and now I’m a commuter in a city that’s not pedestrian friendly.

I obviously need to address all three (or deal with #1 so that #2 won’t be an issue?), but #3 seems like the most manageable as it doesn’t deal with icky emotional stuff and it doesn’t require behavioral changes in Nick.

I’m going to keep working on it. Maybe I need to start braving the Canadian winters on my lunch break and go for a walk. While that’s an obvious solution, is it one that I will enact?

Day Three Check-in

I was on the road all day yesterday so missed my daily check-in. I’m happy to say that there’s been an initial loss bringing me to 151.4lbs. I realize that this is water weight, reduced because my focus on whole foods correlates to less sodium, but bloat affects the fit of my clothes so I’m grateful.

I’m trying a three-pronged approach; exercise (resistance and cardio), diet and general twitchiness (that I’m monitoring by wearing my pedometer at all times except when I’m working out so I don’t double count). Each day I succeed in one of these (and success is by my own yardstick), I drop a dollar in my piggybank, so I can deposit up to $3 per day. This is my fund for a trip that I hope to take in the spring, or will just be mad money if the trip doesn’t manifest. I’m a little behind already, but I can still save about $60.

4 weeks

Bonjour, mes amies!!!!

I’ve been all over the place in terms of health and weight loss over the past couple of months, but mostly I’d give myself a fail this autumn in “Taking Care of Loey 101”.

To sum up,
I recognized that my weight had increased to the point that some of my fall/winter clothes didn’t fit properly.

I made A LOT of false promises to myself to make changes.

I didn’t.

I’ve been wearing many of the same things again and again.

I’ve gained ANOTHER few pounds. No, really.


I’m very disappointed in myself. And I miss my clothes and the ability to grab anything in my closet and wear it with confidence rather than trying desperately to find a pairing of bottoms and tops that work. And I miss just being comfortable with myself.

So here I go again. I’ve signed up for a 4 week bootcamp. I realized that on-line training plans may work in the future, but right now I need some face-to-face accountability. So every weekday morning I’m attending this camp for an hour. The woman who runs it provides individual assessment at the start of camp (I went last week) in the form of weight, measurements and body composition analysis using calipers, and then the same after camp is over.

She said that I could lose 2-4% body fat by the end of camp, and more if all my ducks are in a row. So I’m lining up the duckies, and plan on taking names and kicking butt for the next 4 weeks. I’m strongly competitive, so there’s TONS of motivation in being held up as an example of fat loss.

I’m also going to try to blog regularly and post my weight weekly (ugh).

So my starting points;
Chest – 35.75”, waist – 30.25 “, hips – 41”
Weight – 157 lbs (at her place, late day, with jeans), 155.8 lbs (at home, this morning, nekkid)
Body composition – 28.6% body fat

My problem...

I know my biggest obstacle; late nights and poor sleeping habits.

This is the cause of most of setbacks. I have trouble getting up and doing my workout, which means that I'm inevitably going to struggle to fit in later today (i.e. today I have a football practice with the kids’ team I coach, which means that I won’t get home till 8:30 tonight, so I will hopefully get my workout in during my lunchbreak… hopefully…). I can accept that some workouts will be missed because life gets in the way, but this scramble could have (and should have) been avoided.

Being tired makes me more prone to cravings, specifically for simple sugars and carbs, both for the sugar rush that they will bring (and of course the inevitable crash, but that doesn’t seem to be in the forefront of my mind when I’m like this), and for the comfort aspect.

I’m up late doing nothing. No, really, nothing. I can’t sleep because my head is too busy, but I’m too tired to do anything productive. And because I’m up and bored and frustrated and Nick is in bed asleep I’ve got a scenario that covers several of my food triggers. I pick and pick, mostly on healthy foods (because that’s pretty much all that’s available in the house), but it will put me over my calorie goals.

So I’m missing workouts and undermining my nutrition… no wonder I struggle with my goals. And aside from all that, there’s a wealth of information that supports a string link between good sleep practices and a healthy weight.

Now that I’ve identified this, I have to figure out what to do. The obvious answer is “just sleep more”, but that’s like saying “just eat less” to someone who’s struggled with their weight for any length of time… there’s no “just”. I’ve been on medication for my sleep problems, but they always leave me fuzzy headed in the morning, and I’m concerned about the long-term side effects. I’d really like to develop some holistic solutions.

Did I turn a corner????

I don’t know. The dietician has been helpful, but I was still FAR too indulgent in sugar and simple carbs, so my behavior was in no way modified since the last post. However, two things happened that have started me down a new path;

1. Fall came early to Canada.
What does this have to do with anything? you may ask. Just wait a mo’, I answer, I’m getting to it.

2. My pants don’t fit.
No, really. See, all summer long I wore cute skirts, dresses, capris and long shorts. Some were bought this season, but even those bought last season for the most part fit. I lamented the few pairs of shorts that were tight, but for the most part I was able to blissfully ignore the fact that I had gained a few inched around my middle.

But then the weather turned, and last week was getting pretty cold. And I tried on my jeans and pants.

The horror.

I have one pair of jeans that currently fit properly, and they were ones that I stopped wearing last year because they were too baggy in the waist and bum. I have another pair that wearable as long as I’m careful about which top I pair with it because the muffin top is VERY noticeable.

And as for my dress pants that I would usually start wearing to work, I’m down to one pair.

I can’t afford to replace my wardrobe, so I realized I had to actually start walking the walk. I decided the only way to break my habits and/or addictions was to go cold turkey. So I’ve been completely off the sugar and refined carbs for almost a week mow. That includes EVERYTHING with sugar, including sauces and dressings, pre-packaged soups, all breads, everything. I’m going to aim for two, maybe three, weeks before I start introducing even a trace of sugar back into my diet.

My intention is that by that time I will have broken any physical addition to sugar and won’t be jonesin’ for a treat every couple of hours. And I will have broken the habit to do so.

Is it working? Well, I’ve been craving less junk, although I’ve been perhaps too indulgent with other things (i.e. nuts, popcorn etc.). However, I think that these were crutches of sorts, and I’m tapering off those as well. And I do feel like my belly is less bloated.

Annnnnd as motivation, I’ve jumped on Glam’s Grand Muffin Melt-Off bandwagon.

Sugar Monster!

The past few days I haven’t been able to get enough sugar in me. The worst part is that I keep lying to myself about how, “this will be the last thing, once I have some ice cream/chocolate bar/licorice/scone/whatever-as-long-as-it’s-filled-with-sugar I will be SO done with sugar.”

LIAR!

Here’s a bit of perspective, Loey. You just last week spent about $300 in signing up with a dietician to help you work through your sugar cravings and achieve your goals. You received a very comprehensive plan, with more than enough food, but with some flexibility built in.

So, what the hell??!?!!? I mean, what’s going on in your weird little head that’s not allowing you to make even vaguely sensible decisions?? And aside from the caloric over-spend, have you thought about the actual monetary overspend?? ‘Cause remember, you’re currently heavily in debt??? Remember??!?!?!

I’m so irritated with myself right now. Let’s tally up the spend today;

Morning scone and cookie: $3.00
So-so lunch (both in tastiness, but also in healthiness): $15.00
Afternoon snack run: $5.00

So, 23 dollars of tummy-ache and remorse.

And the most shameful part?? That I went to two different stores to get enough sweets for my mid-afternoon binge. I haven’t done that for a long time, and I’m really upset about now that the sugar-high is fading.

This is the turning point (yes, yes, I know, for the 879th time…ugh…)

Tonight I cook some of the recipes that were suggested to have in my fridge for lunch and post-football. And I’m going to bed very early tonight.

Sa-sa-sa-Sabotage

I saw a nutritionist this week, and have developed a new eating plan with him based on my goals, activities, etc. I’m feeling really good about this, and yesterday tried to get started.

Things went well, with only a few hiccoughs, until yesterday evening, when my fella’ decided we needed a treat. It was fresh foccacia (drool) with high quality extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar (droooool!). I see this as a sometimes food in the long run, but right now I’m trying to eliminate processed carbs, so this was less than welcome.

I didn’t completely resist temptation (this is one of my favorite combos EVER), but I ate only in moderation. Still I’m frustrated.

Learning process

The past week I’ve learned a few things about myself.

1. I need carbs. If I drop to low I get so nauseated I actually potentially start throwing up. This happened both on Saturday and on Sunday, and the nausea didn’t abate until I had something with carbs (i.e. fruit, milk, cereal).
2. I can’t drop my calories too low and exercise without feeling dizzy. A no brainer in some ways, but my “too low” seems to be higher than other people’s “too low”.
3. Being in a “diet” mentality (i.e. being restrictive) will eventually make me binge.
   

So I’ve adjusted accordingly. I’m still worried about that effing dress, but I recognize my limits. I’m going to continue on track, but it’s a more moderate track.

Dress Quest

So I’m day two into trying my damndest to fit into That Dress. So far, so crazy. I’ve gotten in some decent exercise both days. My biggest difficulty will be resisting food cravings when they sprout up, and I’ve got more triggers than a Lone Ranger conference (thank you, I’m here all week). Boredom, anxiety, sleepiness, sadness and frustration all make me want to eat. So do daily associations (i.e. I regularly snack while playing on my computer) and I’m a sucka’ for the power of suggestion (I’m a marketing guy’s wet dream; I see an ad for ice cream, I want; drive by a sushi place, I want; read about food on someone’s blog, drooooool…)

I have a couple of strategies. The biggest one in my arsenal is to get up early to hit the gym, thus forcing me to go to bed early as nighttime = snacktime. I’ve also been chewing sugar free gum and swilling gallons of tea anytime a craving kicks in.

I'm hoping to get in a lengthly walk with the puppy tonight, and then hit the hay early.

Commence pounding head on desk

I was totally going to stop the whole dieting madness. Because, although I’d deny and claim it was all way of life, living healthy blah blah blah, the reality was that I’ve been trying to diet for the past few months with various goals spurring me on. I say trying, because I have been resoundingly unsuccessful in sticking with anything for more than a few days. I’ve not lost an ounce, and may have in fact gained some weight.

And the “may have” is the reason I’m back here today, jumping back on the bandwagon. I tried on the bridesmaid dress that I’m going to have to be wearing for about ten hours, an unforgiving satin horror in teal that I’m currently struggling to zip up. Oh, and PS, the wedding is in ELEVEN days.

!!!!!

I’m so upset right now. I realize that this may sound frivolous, moaning about a dress, but I’m dreading the potential humiliation of not zipping the damn thing up. To make the stress worse, I’m going to be bloated from PMS at that time.

I also realize that it’s kinda silly to be getting to this point at the last minute, but I kept pushing of my weight loss (inch loss) goals… there was always a holiday or a barbeque or an ice cream cone, and the wedding seemed so far away. It was so easy to tell myself that I’d “get serious about losing the inches after this one last indulgence”.

So here I am, eleven days from my best friend’s wedding, hoping to drop an inch from my middle. I’m going to go low-ish carb (under 100 g/day) and mildly restrictive in the hope that I can at least lose the water weight.

Dammit.

7 days

I’ve been doing well in working out, but the eats?? Not so much. In fact, I’ve been sucking hard. I’ve been giving into my desire for emotional satiation on these evenings when I come home exhausted and wanting nothing more than to crawl into a nice safe warm cave made of cinnamon rolls.

But today I’m going to make a promise to myself. Not a big grandiose declaration, just an itty-bitty promise. For one week I will eat sensibly, avoiding sugar and other simple carbs (that make me crash and be moody), and I will eat protein with every meal.

If I do this for ONE week, then I will buy the pair of red mules that I have been coveting.

If I, by some miracle or act of god, do this for TWO weeks, then I will fall down in shock. But then I will pick myself up and go forth and buy something just luscious (and will have so much fun seeking out this prezzie to myself that it's almost a reward onto itself).

Alright. Starting…… NOW!

Progress

Another weekend here and gone. I'm going to be so glad when I'm done this session of coaching. It's too much to be playing and coaching at the same time!!! Aside from the general lack of time, my anxiety is slowly but surely rising because I feel like I don't have enough time in a week to get through all the necessary tasks. The housework, the yardwork, the puppy, my friendships have all been neglected as of late and it's making me fretful.

A quick recap of the weekend:

Friday night was a pub-based fundraiser for the women's team. I skipped the pub food and had a virgin Caesar, followed by two club sodas.

Saturday morning I had some quality time with the puppy (walk to the park about 30 minutes of catch, then another 30 minutes of him exploring while I read, then a walk home), then off to the boys' football practice, then off to a conditioning session with the women, then home to TRY and force my backyard into some semblance of order, and then a quick shower and off to a friend's house for a wee party. I had one vodka based drink and some sort of brie-on-toast yummy appetizer (10% meal).

Sunday walked the pup and then went out for an early brekkie with Nick - veggie omelet with eggbeaters and very little cheese, and one multigrain pancake (10% meal #2). Then we got packed up, dropped the pup with Nick sister and headed out of town for the boys' football game (the won again!!!! They're obviously well coached....). Got home, took puppy for a walk, and then had a shrimp and vege stir-fry. After a fairly low-key evening, I realized around 9ish that I was STARVING... checked the stats on what I'd eaten that day and realized it was way too low. Had a substantial snack of oatmeal, cottage cheese, blueberries, nat PB and crushed almonds. It was AWESOME!! Ever notice how good basic food can taste when you're really hungry???

I've been terribly pressed for time, but stayed on track for the most part. If I'm following the 10% premise, then all of my 10% meals occur on the weekend. I go longer between meals and the macro splits are often not quite right. However, I do feel that overall things are looking good in regards to my nutritional compliance.

71 days left to kick ass!!!!

Day 3

I’m on Day 3 of an 84 Day (12 week) commitment to myself. I’m following Turbulence Training and have entered the transformation contest as a member of the Breakthrough Challenge.

I’ve had two days of moderate success – I’ve almost completely finished my training regime (got a little gassed and didn’t finish every rep of the last set, but , I killed my muscles), and had pretty good eats (although nighttime snacking has GOT to stop. NOW.)

I might really do this!

Eeep!!!

Slowly but surely....

I am now a mere two pounds away from where I was right after I got back from Trinidad, the point when I officially went off the rails.

Given that it only took me about 3 or 4 weeks to put on the nine pounds that I gained, the progress has been slow to say the least. However, it's been steady forward progress for the most part and I feel really comfortable doin' what I'm doin', so I think I can stick to my healthier eating and tougher workout regime for the long haul and lose the weight.

Support

I’m feeling very excited. And a little nervous. But a whole lot excited. I’ve decided to join the ranks of fitness fanatics on the Turbulence Training bandwagon. And because I’m not so good with the half-ass, I’m also joining a group initiated by the very-inspiring Sara of Sanaworld fame.

I just bought the slew of e-manuals from the TT site, and am just starting to browse through them, hence the excitement. However, there’s an ugly little voice asking why I’m going to commit to this given that I’ve been withering about for the past year or more. Hence the nervous. I have an answer, to that ugly little voice, though, and that is because this time I have a plan, man!

Even more importantly, I’ll have a support system, which is something that I’ve never really had before. It’s funny because while Nick is never outwardly negative about new things that I decide to throw myself into, he’s not particularly supportive either. This is furthered by the fact that I tend to treat attempts to lose weight as a private struggle. This will be a very new experience for me, and one that I’m looking forward to.

Loser!!!

I went to the gym this morning and joined their "Biggest Loser" program. There are four teams, each meeting at different days and times, but because this team meeting is being held early in the morning, there are only two other people in it, both women and both seemingly very nice. A small group means high acocuntibility, which I need, and a potential of bonding with the other two women, which is nice. And the group leader (a personal trainer at the gym) seems very knowledgable and is more aligned with the "clean foods" way of thinking rather than the "no foods" way of thinking.

Discouragement

I’m still struggling to lose the weight that I gained back immediately after returning from Trinidad. My clothes feel just a leetle bit tight, or don’t seem to be hanging quite right. I’d love to proclaim my frustration that I’ve been “doing everything right!”, but such is very much not the case.

My eating has been all over the place, with a couple of exemplary days followed by a few days where things are just a mess. I’m binging again, eating until I’m uncomfortable and sick, sneaking food, eating weird combinations in an attempt to address my cravings. I hate this feeling of being out of control. And while it’s easy to say that I’m stopping it! Today!! I don’t know if I can – when I’m in that moment, I’m not thinking of my plan or my goal weight or my goal dress or my friend’s upcoming wedding, I’m just trying to get as much food into my face as I possibly can in that moment.

There’s another “Biggest Loser” starting up at the gym on Tuesday mornings, and I’m really thinking about joining in. I need some accountability, someone to notice and say, “um, so what’s going on here?”

Taking a look at some underlying issues; I’m unhappy at work, I’m feeling anxious about my ability to play football this year, I’m concerned about money, I feel that there’s so much to be done around the house, but I lack the finances and the know-how to address them. Ugh.

I’m going to slogging on, because I’ve tried just ignoring things and promptly gained a full ten pounds (after I returned from Trinidad). I’m going to look back, and re-acknowledge some of the goals that I made for myself some four months ago.

Just breathe

Wednesday and Thursday were both good days (although I would up snacking on multigrain tortilla chips last night.... not too many, but the only reason I touched them was because they were sitting in front of me for the ENTIRE NIGHT!!! grrrrr), however, today was teetering on the brink.

I made beautiful meals for myself last night, breakfast and supper as well as lunch because I have to stay in the city for a coaching clinic this evening and because I was running late this morning (and I like to eat about an hour or so after I wake, so brekkie at work is better for me). All my meals planned out, healthy and filling. And then I left it on the kitchen counter this morning. Dammit.

Starving, I rumaged in my desk and came out with a Nutrigrain bar, from where?? I don't know.... I didn't pause long enough to ask questions. And after in was gone (in two gulps! Those things are wee!), I started thinking about what other sweet delights I could get in the next ten minutes. I started justifying a date square (dried fruit and oats!!), an apple cinnamon bun (more fruit!), a nanamio square (damage is already done! May as well plow on!), and saying that I'll work out on my lunch break and before the clinic. The synthetic sweetness of the crappy cereal bar made me just want more, more, MORE!

But I called my Mom. Not about my urge to binge, but chatted about other things. And then I started to write this. Since the opening paragraph (which I have just changed from "is teetering" to "was teetering"), I have quelled my sugar demons, and have decided to drive the 20 minutes home. It'll be my lunch break (although I'm doing it now so that I don't talk myself out of it).

Sometimes you just have to take a moment to breathe, no?

Goals

A quickie to try and get myself back on track

1. No sweets today.
2. Eat within calories while getting enough protein.
3. Track food, INCLUDING AT NIGHT (last night... just ugh...).
4. Remember my focus (football starts NEXT WEEK, weekend away with three other couple May 16th - 5 weeks, wedding with Nick's ex June 21st - 10 weeks, wedding in which I'm a bridesmaid August 9th, about 16 weeks).

A Plan

Still lacking in focus, but it was a strange weekend… with things being closed on Friday, I felt strangely untethered. I, apparently, am better off with boundaries.

I have decided to create a Plan. I’ve always read about them, and people who’ve been successful in losing weight extol their virtue, claiming that they never would have succeeded without. And yet I’ve always flouted the idea; I am after all too spontaneous, too dynamic to be hemmed in by a Plan. But this weekend has shown me that I am meant to have boundaries.

So a Plan. First, the meal Plan. When I get a break at work, I will write up a meal Plan (I will first steal a little journal from the stationary room) for the week. I will also write down my exercise intentions. I’ll then see how well I can follow it, and whether it will help me. I fully expect it to be tedious, but I think I need to create some structure.

I’m also going to establish some goal prezzies for myself as I hit each five pound increment. This is another nugget of wisdom that’s dragged out again and again. However, perhaps the reason that it’s dragged out again and again is because IT WORKS (ya think?). I think I could use some sign of accomplishment and am actually thinking a little silver ring that I admired in a shop up the street would be ideal; I can look at it and remind myself of what I’ve achieved and that I’m still working towards a final goal.

Another oldie but goodie that I’m going to pull out is to not eat anything after 7:00pm. I’ve always rolled my eyes when pseudo-nutritionists start telling ghost stories about how you never burn the calories at night (whooOOOooo). I still think it’s bunk, BUT I do tend to snack and pick and nosh and EAT through the whole evening. And it’s not because I’m hungry, rather I just want some sweet while I cruise the interweb, or some popcorn while I watch the telly, or ‘cause Nick gets to and I just wanna. So, maybe I should just put a stop to all that right now by putting that into my Plan.

Floundering

* Those are flounders... geddit???

I’m eating in a very disordered way, and the more I try and turn my attention to it, the more I fall down. Every day starts out so well, and then there’s a slip. And then another. And then, before you know it, I’ve eaten the world and it’s only 2:30 in the afternoon.

Aside from the fact that my weight has been slowly but surely rising, I’m also starting to feel the other side-effects of my poor eating habits. I’m currently suffering from a major sugar crash and want nothing more than to crawl under my desk and sleep. My skin has lost its glow and my eyes are puffy in the morning.

I’m not sure how to deal with the lethargy that threatens to overwhelm me. I’m going to see a personal trainer on Saturday, and will be joining a running group starting this Tuesday coming. I’m not sure if either of these will address my poor eating habits.

Reasons why I want to lose 15 to 20 lbs:

1. Football season starts up in 3.5 weeks
2. Dance recital (in teeny-tiny outfits) in about 5 weeks
3. Weekend away with several other couples in about 8 weeks
4. Wedding, which will also be attended by Nick’s ex in about 9 weeks
5. Wedding in which I’m a bridesmaid in about 14 weeks

Positive things:

• I’ve been hitting the weights 2-3x/week for the past few months, and I’m definitely noticing improvements in strength
• I’m still getting to gym 3-4x/week
• I was doing really well with everything until I came back from Trinidad 2 ½ weeks ago
• I have entered everything I’ve eaten into the Daily Plate for the past three days (today being the third)
  

Negative things:

• My eating has been bad bad bad
  

Specifically, every day I’ve been having crazy sugar cravings. I know it’s due to general boredom, job dissatisfaction, concerns about my life with Nick, and the feeling that I’m adrift, and by recognizing the origin of the urge I should be bale to control it. However, such has not been the case. I’ve also noticed that I’ve been steadily gnawing on my nails, another sign of general malcontent.

I’m going to once again try and get back on the blogging wagon, as that seems to give me some focus. I'm going to watch myself for the next few days and try and look at some triggers and/or root causes rather than jumping in with undirected solutions.

Re-learning

One would think that I would have learned something by this time about how my body works and about how my brain is connected/disconnected to my body. And yet.

Firstly, I am back (obviously). I was horribly busy, and then our router broke at home so I have to use Nick’s computer, which I don’t like at all, and I just felt like I was spinning my wheels with this whole losing endeavor.

Trinidad was lovely. The ocean was warm and turquoise and I literally floated for hours in it. I wore a bikini the whole time, and felt comfortable in it. I exercised regularly, and ate what I wished to. Lovely.

However, since then I have seen pictures of myself in said bikini . I have returned to lukewarm affections and dreary weather. And in protest I ate unpleasant amounts of foods that I didn’t really want but which were there, and exercised very little. I fell back on several bad habits, and dropped several good ones that I had acquired. I tried to pretend that there was no problem, but in doing so, the problem has magnified itself, and now I am uncomfortably full and feeling sick.

So.

The first thing I did was sign up for this week-loss competition at the gym, which was set to run during the period I was away. I should have seen the warning signs of disordered behavior right then and there. Thinking it started on Monday, Feb. 4th, I ate my face off that Sunday and Monday, trying to cram in all those things that would soon be forbidden. However, the date had been bumped, due instead to start on Mon, Feb. 11th. My eating was sketchy all week, and then I repeated the same behavior on Sunday and Monday (flag number 2). I was better off being at my highest, right? And it would all be water weight, right?

So I weighed in, and my weight was quite high for me. I spent the week eating austere meals, punctuated with a couple of splurges with sugar. I exercised every day and dropped a very acceptable amount of weight. I felt so smug. Especially because I thought the woman running the whole thing was a loon and maybe even kinda dumb. I also realized at this time that everyone there was very low on nutritional-learning curve, and that while they were eating up everything that the woman was saying, I was struggling to bite my tongue because she wasn’t just inane, she was often wrong wrong wrong.

Then I went to Trinidad, and missed my weigh-in. It would be okay, I thought, I’ll come back and will have lost scads of weight and everyone will be shocked and inspired. As I said, I felt fairly peaceful with my body while away, but then on the Sunday as I was returning I started to feel panic about my next-day weigh-in. I restricted my food drastically that day, and on Monday as well. So not only was I exhausted from a red-eye flight home, but I was run-down and STARVING hungry. And I still felt fat. I also wasn’t looking forward to the class, so when Nick started pressuring me to stay, I caved, with the thought in my head that I would just be extra-super skinny for the next weigh-in.

This past week has been a full-fledged return to my old disordered way of eating. I would restrict drastically for a day, but then the evening or the next day I would binge. Meanwhile, I was missing work-outs because I was either tired and hungry, or nauseated and over-full.

All day yesterday in getting ready for my weigh-in I ate almost nothing. I skipped going to the gym at lunch because my head was swimming. And as I got ready for my weigh-in, I realized what I had been doing. I decided to drop out of this competition (although there were only another couple of weeks left anyway), and get my head back in order.

That’s obviously going to take a few tries. Last night, when I ate for the first time that day, I was famished. I ate some homemade baked beans, toast, pasta that Nick made and then scads of Easter treats and dried fruit. I ate until my stomach hurt and I wanted to throw-up. And then today, without really thinking about it, to compensate I brought very little lunch and skipped breakfast. But then when Nick was curt with me, the empty stomach combined with my feelings of rejection opened me up to a mini-binge.

So, I start again. I sit here with a stabbing pain in my belly, and I acknowledge that I have a far way to go to fix my head and my body and all the paths that connect the two.

Countdown!!!!

I haven't posted much because I'm trying to work through some body issue type things with myself. On one hand, I bought a new digital scale that tracks to the tenth of a pound. On the other hand, I bought two new string bikinis. One indicates lingering obsessions with weight and numbers, and one doesn't (I won't give away the surprise as to which is which).

But all that aside, I leave for a super-exciting trip in a mere THREE DAYS!!!!!! which makes all my heart-ache over body issues seems kinda silly.

Moment of Clarity

I’m having a moment of clarity here, and, given that it happens so rarely, I’m desperately trying to record it.

I was bemoaning my lack of progress in losing the Last Fifteen Pounds, specifically that I’m going to be heading off to Trinidad in a few weeks and my tum will be no firmer than it was a month ago, when I had a realization; I will be heading off to Trinidad in a few weeks. Yes, yes, you may say, you just mentioned that. And I did, and then discounted its significance because my belly wobbles.

I’m going to Trinidad, fully paid for, on the merit of my brains and capability and I’m lamenting a few jiggles??? Have I lost all perspective??? I am both lucky and worthy, belly rolls be damned!

It’s so easy to do, isn’t it?? I think even more so more those of us who are perfectionists . I want so badly for everything to be just so that I forget that things can be pretty awesome even when they aren’t quite 100% perfect. I work in a job that I may not always love, but I’m respected and well paid and very secure, and it certainly has its bright spots. I have a boyfriend who makes me a bit crazy because we have communication issues, but he’s faithful and kind and fully intends to marry me. We have a sweet little house, and a sweeter little dog. I’m healthy, he’s healthy, my parents and siblings are all well and thriving.

In this scheme of things do an extra fifteen pounds matter?? Hell, an extra fifty???

No.

I whine and bitch and moan here about the “struggle” with those fifteen pounds . And I probably will do so again. But I think it well worth remembering to keep it all in perspective, so that while I continue to strive towards perfection (‘cause I gots to) I can remember that less than perfection is pretty fabulous too.

zzzzz....

I’ve successfully woken up at omigod o’clock the past two mornings to get my ass to the gym. It wasn’t pretty, and yesterday I dallied around so long that it was a full 45 minutes after my alarm sounded that I entered the gym (which is a grand total of a 2 minute walk from my house), so I only had time for 25 minutes on the elliptical, but I did it. And then I did it again this morning, getting myself organized a little quicker.

The problem is that I’m still not getting to bed quite early enough. Based on that fact, I almost successfully talked myself into re-setting the alarm for another hour, with the proviso, “I’ll go to bed early tonight and get up early tomorrow.” However, nighttime-Loey does not heed morning-Loey’s promises. In fact, nighttime-Loey laughs in the face of those promises while watching bad TV and eating popcorn .

So it’s time to kick nighttime-Loey’s ass. By getting up early, she’s going to be forced to crash earlier at night. Unfortunately, afternoon-Loey has been caught in the crossfire and wants to take a quick snooze at her desk.

Gah! So sleepy!!!

Eeep!!

Holy hell!!! I knew that I was eating a lot in the evening, mindlessly munching away. But I actually wrote it down last night, and then looked up the numbers and did the tallies this morning (PS, there is no good reason why I didn’t do this last night… just laziness, which makes me a bit embarrassed).

Nick was at a meeting, and when he came home around 9ish, he had éclairs in hand. They were sooo small and soooo tempting, and I certainly couldn’t hurt his feelings, now could I? (the world rolls eyes en masse). So I had ONE. And a half. But aside from that, I didn’t think I did too badly. However, the sum for last night alone, was (drum roll….)

1340 cal (!!!??!?!)

The hell…?!?

Again, that didn't include brekkie, lunch, and the two snacks I had during the day. There was a bowl of air popped popcorn (all to myself with about a quarter cup of butter), and some ever-so healthful pumpkin seeds… and almonds here and there. On top of supper. But the éclairs were the icing on the cake (mmmmm… icing….) at 300 empty calories a pop.

And the depressing thing is that although I’m trying to be completely honest, people generally underestimate their serving size, so those things that I didn’t measure (the seeds and nuts spring to mind) could have been larger portions than I estimated.

Well, now we know why I gained last week, and why I haven’t dropped that weight (apparently it wasn’t just water.)

And now that I know, I can fix it.

Let the fixing commence!!!

The good, the bad and the ugly

Goal check-in!!!

The Good: I’ve been flossing every night, I switched to using mostly aluminium-free deodorant, I’ve been eating more veg and beans/legumes. I’ve also reduced my telly viewing (and mindless computer games), and upped my reading. I’ve also cut waaaay down on coffee.

The Bad: I’m not getting in the strength sessions, nor enough cardio. I’ve been pretty half-ass about just moving around for 30 minutes EVERY DAY, although, that is improving. I’ve made inroads into becoming better organized, but I can see some procrastination start to seep in again, too. Must watch that! I’ve also been more conscientious about my spending, but being aware hasn’t necessarily slowed it down.

The Ugly: I have been less than stellar regarding the constant eating. I wouldn’t even care if I was eating because I was hungry or because I love love love the food in question so very much. But neither was the case with the TWO cinnamon buns I had at work on Friday after an argument over the phone with Nick, nor was it so with the chips/choc/garbage I shoved in my gob on Saturday bight because I was bored and generally dissatisfied, nor was it the case when I was devouring handfuls of chips (which, PS, I don’t even like one bit) with the boys while watching the games yesterday. I literally thought, "It's not fair that they get to eat whatever they want and I don't," and then proceeded to eat the nasty chips (that, again, I don't even like) out of spite. (??? who was I spiting?? why?? what the hell??!???!)

I also haven’t improved my sleeping habits, which of course can be directly tied to stress, which can be directly tied to night-time snacking and emotional eating. And I have yet to plan my meals (which again ties in with night time eating because I so often just start snacking dinner-time and don’t stop until my head hits the pillow.)

The Plan for This Week:
Strength training: Mon-Wed-Fri… I’ll go at lunch today, and then in the mornings on the other days.
Cardio: I’ll get in a bit at lunch today or I may take a class tonight. I’m getting up at 6 tomorrow and going to the gym. I’m also going to figure out the logistics of using my jump rope somewhere in the house (maybe the garage, if I can clear enough space).
Move around: I’m going to suggest to Ash that we go indoor rock climbing one evening this week, and will take the puppy for a walk.
Sleep: I’m going to bed at 10 tonight.
Food: I’ve got a healthy day packed, and will plan out Tuesday and Wednesday tonight (I’m going to try and start slowly, rather than try to plan the whole week I’ll just do 2 days and see how it goes). I'm also going to pull out the old journal.
Other: I’ve almost completed the professional requirement, and will call about it by tomorrow. I’ll write a to-do list for the week and then prioritize it.

Motivators

Still having a hard time getting on the straight and narrow. I’ve decided to enumerate things that motivate me in the hopes that I become more, well, motivated.

1. Trinidad!!! In five weeks!!!!
2. My pole dancing class might be doing a performance in March, which means booty-shorts in public.
3. I’m doing a football information session the end of March for potential new recruits and for women who just want to learn a bit more about the game in a non-threatening environment. During this, I’ll be putting on gear, including the pants, which means, again booty-shorts (and yes, I am aware that there may be some incongruity in the pole dancin’ football player… let’s just say I believe in balance in all things).
4. A friend (who was almost the same size as me) has lost about 20lbs over the past six months or so, and looks fab. A leetle jealousy, but mostly inspirational.
5. Football season starts in April, and my butt will be kicked if I don’t get more consistent with my strength training before that.
6. Bathing suit season!!!
   

You may notice that these are all VERY vain reasons. I think I need that for the short term to get some focus back.

Trinidad?!? Yay!!! (and, gulp)

I just got confirmation that I will be going to Trinidad for a conference the end of February!!!!!

And while I am beyond excited, I also got the first tremor of doubt. “Will my summer clothes fit??”” And, “There’s going to be a bikini involved, isn’t there??”

I leave in a little less than six weeks. I don’t want to get into a crazy mentality wherein I go on a juice fast, or start going to the gym for hours a day. However, I do want to dedicate myself to the goals that I outlined. You see, last summer I went to the beach with some of my teammates from football couple of times. In looking at the pictures taken on two separate days, I made an interesting discovery about how I look; it’s mostly in my head.

See, I could remember on one day, the more recent, I was feeling nasty about myself. I even hesitated in joining the other ladies because I felt so flabby in my two-piece*. In the other, which was taken a month or two prior to the first, I was feelin’ HAWT, strutting my stuff and posing coquettishly for the camera. However, in the first I actually weighed about ten pounds more than in the second. The difference was that in the second I was exercising regularly and eating well (which obviously lead to the loss), whereas in the first I had been eating nasty foods and not exercising during the few days prior to the beach visit.

The moral of this story is that my feelings about my body have less to do with what I weight, and more to do with how I’m treating it. Which means that if I treat my body well in the next few weeks (by exercising enough, but not overdoing it, and by eating well, but not restricting), then I will feel good on the beaches of Trinidad.

* I feel the need to state that my brain has an amazing defense mechanism, wherein no matter how much I fret and frown about my appearance before I leave the house, I almost always forget about it the minute I’m out and about. Contrary to the tone of the above, I consider my body as a doing thing, not as something that is meant to be out on display, so I’m always more inclined to say "fuck it, I'm going out to play" when it comes down to the question of do or don't.

Night-time eating

I’ve finally got my groove back in the exercise department. I’ve been logging many sessions at the gym, and none are excessively long. This is something that I’ve got ot be leery of, as I’m prone to get into the mindset of “if 30 minutes is good, then 30 minutes is great!!” However, most of the literature I’ve read indicates that this causes muscle loss (resulting in metabolism slow-down), and an increase in cortisol (a stress hormone which can often induce eating, and had also been tied to fat retention around the belly). And aside from this, in the past when I’ve started extending my training sessions I eventually wind-up burning out and quitting. So I’ve been focusing on intense interval training for my cardio, and heavy weight multiple muscle exercises for my strength training.

Where I’ve been falling down is in my eating. I had a couple of good days after I last posted, but since then it’s been sorry. I start out with good intentions; my day is more or less planned, lots of healthy choices at home, all of it. I eat good quality food up to and including supper. And then the snacking begins. A bowl of oatmeal fits into my plan, but not three bowls, all topped with sugar and cream. A portion of chips measured out is fine, but not mindless eating until I have no idea how much I’ve consumed but my belly hurts and bag seems suspiciously deflated.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to address this. I am not someone who can say “no food after 7:00pm”; firstly, because I’m active but can’t eat very much at one sitting, so I need one last mini-meal/snack around 9:00 or I am HUNGRY, and secondly because I would eventually rail against any such rule I put in place and wind up eating the world one night (the WORLD).

A couple of potential underlying factors have been indentified by me. One is that I’ve been feeling unsatisfied at home. While in many ways Nick and I are compatible, we have different versions of housekeeping and domestic-ness. This means that I do more of the cleaning, have to nag him about larger jobs we agreed we’d do (i.e. painting the interior), and either we prepare our food separately or I cook for both of us, but he has never prepared a meal for me. And I’m really starting to resent this. And while this may seem like I’m over thinking something that doesn’t need to be addressed at this juncture, I just wonder if I want this for the rest of my life. Ugh, I can’t believe I just said (wrote) that aloud.

A less angst-y reason for the continuous snacking may be that I’m just not getting enough food and my body is seeking more calories.

In considering solutions (and addressing the less difficult one first), I think I may try to eat more, especially for my supper meal, and maybe plan to have something in line with my cravings for “dessert”, but something that still offers some fuel for my body. For example, given my chip cravings, I may try baking up some fries tonight. And as for the other issue, I did talk to Nick yesterday about it. I’m not sure how much he absorbs, partially because I’m not sure how to convey how important it is to me. I say again, ugh.

Resolutions!!! (and it's about time....)

I’m still floundering about, trying to get my groove back. I have been thinking about my resolutions, both for 2008, but also for the year that I am 30 years old. And because I am not merely a geek, but the Grand Poo-Bah of Geeks, I have not only a list but one with sub-categories (I know, all lesser geeks cower in my geekiness).

Extending my warranty (I’ve recently been reading “You: Staying Young” and it’s in tune with much of my general philosophy. This list may be extended or made more specific as I continue my readings)
Get in more veg (I’m pretty good with the fruit, but the veg…)
One bean or legume dish a week
Prepare proper balanced meals at home more often (I’m not setting a weekly goal at this point)
Watch less telly (thank you writers’ strike)
Read more
Floss before going to bed
Go to bed earlier (10:30)
Get up at a set time (6:00)
Return to basic yoga in the evenings
Reduce coffee intake
Drink more green tea

Get into fighting shape (as I may or may not have mentioned I play tackle football, so this is meant literally. We start our training in April and I intend to be ready for the pain)
I’ve ordered two resources, a strength training book for women and an athletic conditioning DVD (I don’t know how to link to things just yet, thus exposing my embarrassing lack of computer savvy), and received them last night. Once I’ve read them I’m going to begin adapting the regime into my lifestyle
Assuming it’s in line with the above mentioned regime, cardio 4-6 x/week, of which at least one will be interval training and the other will sprint training

Finish reading at least a couple of the football coaching books that Nick owns
Move around (be it a long walk with the puppy or skating or structured gym time) at least once a day

Lose the last 10!!! (this rates much lower than the other two goals, and the other two goals will contribute, obviously)
Only eat refined carbs when either a) I’m in a situation where there’s no better option (I travel a fair bit for work, often to kinda remote places) or b) when it’s something that I specifically want and I eat it while present (I comfort eat, but am very often numb when I do so. I don’t care if I eat a brownie and enjoy it. I hate when I eat a brownie and don’t even remember tasting it)
Bring enough food with me to work (when I get hungry I make bad choices)
Don’t mindlessly munch
Don’t eat in front of the telly
Actually plan my meals and try to follow the above mentioned book’s nutritional advice
Have a calendar that shows the days that I achieve goals
Blog at least twice a week and try for 3 times

Organize my world
Empty old dresser so that new dresser can brought upstairs
Clean out home office
Pack away Christmas stuff such that I’m not losing my mind next Christmas
Sort through everything at work office, file much of it
Clean out bedroom closet
Cull out-of-control show collection and find home for remaining ridiculous amount of shoes
Finish unpacking last boxes in bedroom
Sort out jewelry

Home mishmash
Paint kitchen, hallway and entrance way
Deal with the disaster that is my backyard
Deal with the drainage issue before neighbors lynch us

New furniture i.e. couch, kitchen table (this is a maybe)

Weekly clean-up (including sweeping, bathrooms, kitchen)

Professional mishmash
Complete professional requirements (that should have been done about three years ago!!)
Pick up MBA diploma
Update resume
Start pursuing the projects that I am specifically interested in (and that I can potentially manage)
Start brushing up on Espanol

Be more thrifty (we're dinks - Duel-Income-No-Kids - so I have a comfortable amount of disposable income. However, I also have a sunstantial student loan that I'd like to make more of a dent)

Eat out less (we don't go out for supper often. My problem is the coffees and the snacks and all of that. Each week I spend about $50 on this - that's $200/mth!!)

Use the library (I've got a reading fetish that must be fed, but there are other ways...)

Ask, "do I really need it??" prior to purchases

Less pre-packaged food (one of our biggest expenses is our grocery bill)

Be a do-gooder! (especially, I want to focus on environmental concerns and further reduce my ecological footprint)

Be more energy savvy at home (i.e. turn off lights and heat in empty rooms, switch to more efficient light bulbs)

Work hrader at reducing packaging

Buy more local produce

Start mini-garden in backyard

Look into volunteering locally

Keep in touch with long distance friends and family

Huh. Quite the list, n’est pas? But I have no expectations that I will have completed all of these tomorrow (obviously). I have all month… I kid, I kid!! Most of these are a work in progress and in some cases I won’t even be able to make a start on till the summer.

They are in order of those things that I can start addressing immediately. So I guess I’d better get going, hmmmm?

Quick addition: I'm up a pound. Boooooooo!!!!

Quickie

Still holding steady. It would seem that my body is an expert at maintaining. In the early weeks of December this was a source of much frustration, but right now, after a week of steady grazing, I will take that maintained weight, and might I add a “woo-hoo”?

It’s a New Year, and while I echo the sentiment found in many blogs that resolutions need not be limited to early January, I’ve always liked the fresh crisp feeling that I have when I finally drag myself out of bed on January first. This is compounded by the fact that my birthday is December 30th.

I like sitting down and assessing what the previous year has brought, and then figuring out what I would like to accomplish in the upcoming year. And I just like lists. A lot.

I still haven’t thoroughly done this yet, and don’t want to slap down a bunch of things all willy-nilly, so I think I’ll leave this as my quick weekly check-in, and continue to ponder the last year and plan for the next.