Moment of Clarity

I’m having a moment of clarity here, and, given that it happens so rarely, I’m desperately trying to record it.

I was bemoaning my lack of progress in losing the Last Fifteen Pounds, specifically that I’m going to be heading off to Trinidad in a few weeks and my tum will be no firmer than it was a month ago, when I had a realization; I will be heading off to Trinidad in a few weeks. Yes, yes, you may say, you just mentioned that. And I did, and then discounted its significance because my belly wobbles.

I’m going to Trinidad, fully paid for, on the merit of my brains and capability and I’m lamenting a few jiggles??? Have I lost all perspective??? I am both lucky and worthy, belly rolls be damned!

It’s so easy to do, isn’t it?? I think even more so more those of us who are perfectionists . I want so badly for everything to be just so that I forget that things can be pretty awesome even when they aren’t quite 100% perfect. I work in a job that I may not always love, but I’m respected and well paid and very secure, and it certainly has its bright spots. I have a boyfriend who makes me a bit crazy because we have communication issues, but he’s faithful and kind and fully intends to marry me. We have a sweet little house, and a sweeter little dog. I’m healthy, he’s healthy, my parents and siblings are all well and thriving.

In this scheme of things do an extra fifteen pounds matter?? Hell, an extra fifty???

No.

I whine and bitch and moan here about the “struggle” with those fifteen pounds . And I probably will do so again. But I think it well worth remembering to keep it all in perspective, so that while I continue to strive towards perfection (‘cause I gots to) I can remember that less than perfection is pretty fabulous too.

zzzzz....

I’ve successfully woken up at omigod o’clock the past two mornings to get my ass to the gym. It wasn’t pretty, and yesterday I dallied around so long that it was a full 45 minutes after my alarm sounded that I entered the gym (which is a grand total of a 2 minute walk from my house), so I only had time for 25 minutes on the elliptical, but I did it. And then I did it again this morning, getting myself organized a little quicker.

The problem is that I’m still not getting to bed quite early enough. Based on that fact, I almost successfully talked myself into re-setting the alarm for another hour, with the proviso, “I’ll go to bed early tonight and get up early tomorrow.” However, nighttime-Loey does not heed morning-Loey’s promises. In fact, nighttime-Loey laughs in the face of those promises while watching bad TV and eating popcorn .

So it’s time to kick nighttime-Loey’s ass. By getting up early, she’s going to be forced to crash earlier at night. Unfortunately, afternoon-Loey has been caught in the crossfire and wants to take a quick snooze at her desk.

Gah! So sleepy!!!

Eeep!!

Holy hell!!! I knew that I was eating a lot in the evening, mindlessly munching away. But I actually wrote it down last night, and then looked up the numbers and did the tallies this morning (PS, there is no good reason why I didn’t do this last night… just laziness, which makes me a bit embarrassed).

Nick was at a meeting, and when he came home around 9ish, he had éclairs in hand. They were sooo small and soooo tempting, and I certainly couldn’t hurt his feelings, now could I? (the world rolls eyes en masse). So I had ONE. And a half. But aside from that, I didn’t think I did too badly. However, the sum for last night alone, was (drum roll….)

1340 cal (!!!??!?!)

The hell…?!?

Again, that didn't include brekkie, lunch, and the two snacks I had during the day. There was a bowl of air popped popcorn (all to myself with about a quarter cup of butter), and some ever-so healthful pumpkin seeds… and almonds here and there. On top of supper. But the éclairs were the icing on the cake (mmmmm… icing….) at 300 empty calories a pop.

And the depressing thing is that although I’m trying to be completely honest, people generally underestimate their serving size, so those things that I didn’t measure (the seeds and nuts spring to mind) could have been larger portions than I estimated.

Well, now we know why I gained last week, and why I haven’t dropped that weight (apparently it wasn’t just water.)

And now that I know, I can fix it.

Let the fixing commence!!!

The good, the bad and the ugly

Goal check-in!!!

The Good: I’ve been flossing every night, I switched to using mostly aluminium-free deodorant, I’ve been eating more veg and beans/legumes. I’ve also reduced my telly viewing (and mindless computer games), and upped my reading. I’ve also cut waaaay down on coffee.

The Bad: I’m not getting in the strength sessions, nor enough cardio. I’ve been pretty half-ass about just moving around for 30 minutes EVERY DAY, although, that is improving. I’ve made inroads into becoming better organized, but I can see some procrastination start to seep in again, too. Must watch that! I’ve also been more conscientious about my spending, but being aware hasn’t necessarily slowed it down.

The Ugly: I have been less than stellar regarding the constant eating. I wouldn’t even care if I was eating because I was hungry or because I love love love the food in question so very much. But neither was the case with the TWO cinnamon buns I had at work on Friday after an argument over the phone with Nick, nor was it so with the chips/choc/garbage I shoved in my gob on Saturday bight because I was bored and generally dissatisfied, nor was it the case when I was devouring handfuls of chips (which, PS, I don’t even like one bit) with the boys while watching the games yesterday. I literally thought, "It's not fair that they get to eat whatever they want and I don't," and then proceeded to eat the nasty chips (that, again, I don't even like) out of spite. (??? who was I spiting?? why?? what the hell??!???!)

I also haven’t improved my sleeping habits, which of course can be directly tied to stress, which can be directly tied to night-time snacking and emotional eating. And I have yet to plan my meals (which again ties in with night time eating because I so often just start snacking dinner-time and don’t stop until my head hits the pillow.)

The Plan for This Week:
Strength training: Mon-Wed-Fri… I’ll go at lunch today, and then in the mornings on the other days.
Cardio: I’ll get in a bit at lunch today or I may take a class tonight. I’m getting up at 6 tomorrow and going to the gym. I’m also going to figure out the logistics of using my jump rope somewhere in the house (maybe the garage, if I can clear enough space).
Move around: I’m going to suggest to Ash that we go indoor rock climbing one evening this week, and will take the puppy for a walk.
Sleep: I’m going to bed at 10 tonight.
Food: I’ve got a healthy day packed, and will plan out Tuesday and Wednesday tonight (I’m going to try and start slowly, rather than try to plan the whole week I’ll just do 2 days and see how it goes). I'm also going to pull out the old journal.
Other: I’ve almost completed the professional requirement, and will call about it by tomorrow. I’ll write a to-do list for the week and then prioritize it.

Motivators

Still having a hard time getting on the straight and narrow. I’ve decided to enumerate things that motivate me in the hopes that I become more, well, motivated.

1. Trinidad!!! In five weeks!!!!
2. My pole dancing class might be doing a performance in March, which means booty-shorts in public.
3. I’m doing a football information session the end of March for potential new recruits and for women who just want to learn a bit more about the game in a non-threatening environment. During this, I’ll be putting on gear, including the pants, which means, again booty-shorts (and yes, I am aware that there may be some incongruity in the pole dancin’ football player… let’s just say I believe in balance in all things).
4. A friend (who was almost the same size as me) has lost about 20lbs over the past six months or so, and looks fab. A leetle jealousy, but mostly inspirational.
5. Football season starts in April, and my butt will be kicked if I don’t get more consistent with my strength training before that.
6. Bathing suit season!!!
   

You may notice that these are all VERY vain reasons. I think I need that for the short term to get some focus back.

Trinidad?!? Yay!!! (and, gulp)

I just got confirmation that I will be going to Trinidad for a conference the end of February!!!!!

And while I am beyond excited, I also got the first tremor of doubt. “Will my summer clothes fit??”” And, “There’s going to be a bikini involved, isn’t there??”

I leave in a little less than six weeks. I don’t want to get into a crazy mentality wherein I go on a juice fast, or start going to the gym for hours a day. However, I do want to dedicate myself to the goals that I outlined. You see, last summer I went to the beach with some of my teammates from football couple of times. In looking at the pictures taken on two separate days, I made an interesting discovery about how I look; it’s mostly in my head.

See, I could remember on one day, the more recent, I was feeling nasty about myself. I even hesitated in joining the other ladies because I felt so flabby in my two-piece*. In the other, which was taken a month or two prior to the first, I was feelin’ HAWT, strutting my stuff and posing coquettishly for the camera. However, in the first I actually weighed about ten pounds more than in the second. The difference was that in the second I was exercising regularly and eating well (which obviously lead to the loss), whereas in the first I had been eating nasty foods and not exercising during the few days prior to the beach visit.

The moral of this story is that my feelings about my body have less to do with what I weight, and more to do with how I’m treating it. Which means that if I treat my body well in the next few weeks (by exercising enough, but not overdoing it, and by eating well, but not restricting), then I will feel good on the beaches of Trinidad.

* I feel the need to state that my brain has an amazing defense mechanism, wherein no matter how much I fret and frown about my appearance before I leave the house, I almost always forget about it the minute I’m out and about. Contrary to the tone of the above, I consider my body as a doing thing, not as something that is meant to be out on display, so I’m always more inclined to say "fuck it, I'm going out to play" when it comes down to the question of do or don't.

Night-time eating

I’ve finally got my groove back in the exercise department. I’ve been logging many sessions at the gym, and none are excessively long. This is something that I’ve got ot be leery of, as I’m prone to get into the mindset of “if 30 minutes is good, then 30 minutes is great!!” However, most of the literature I’ve read indicates that this causes muscle loss (resulting in metabolism slow-down), and an increase in cortisol (a stress hormone which can often induce eating, and had also been tied to fat retention around the belly). And aside from this, in the past when I’ve started extending my training sessions I eventually wind-up burning out and quitting. So I’ve been focusing on intense interval training for my cardio, and heavy weight multiple muscle exercises for my strength training.

Where I’ve been falling down is in my eating. I had a couple of good days after I last posted, but since then it’s been sorry. I start out with good intentions; my day is more or less planned, lots of healthy choices at home, all of it. I eat good quality food up to and including supper. And then the snacking begins. A bowl of oatmeal fits into my plan, but not three bowls, all topped with sugar and cream. A portion of chips measured out is fine, but not mindless eating until I have no idea how much I’ve consumed but my belly hurts and bag seems suspiciously deflated.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to address this. I am not someone who can say “no food after 7:00pm”; firstly, because I’m active but can’t eat very much at one sitting, so I need one last mini-meal/snack around 9:00 or I am HUNGRY, and secondly because I would eventually rail against any such rule I put in place and wind up eating the world one night (the WORLD).

A couple of potential underlying factors have been indentified by me. One is that I’ve been feeling unsatisfied at home. While in many ways Nick and I are compatible, we have different versions of housekeeping and domestic-ness. This means that I do more of the cleaning, have to nag him about larger jobs we agreed we’d do (i.e. painting the interior), and either we prepare our food separately or I cook for both of us, but he has never prepared a meal for me. And I’m really starting to resent this. And while this may seem like I’m over thinking something that doesn’t need to be addressed at this juncture, I just wonder if I want this for the rest of my life. Ugh, I can’t believe I just said (wrote) that aloud.

A less angst-y reason for the continuous snacking may be that I’m just not getting enough food and my body is seeking more calories.

In considering solutions (and addressing the less difficult one first), I think I may try to eat more, especially for my supper meal, and maybe plan to have something in line with my cravings for “dessert”, but something that still offers some fuel for my body. For example, given my chip cravings, I may try baking up some fries tonight. And as for the other issue, I did talk to Nick yesterday about it. I’m not sure how much he absorbs, partially because I’m not sure how to convey how important it is to me. I say again, ugh.

Resolutions!!! (and it's about time....)

I’m still floundering about, trying to get my groove back. I have been thinking about my resolutions, both for 2008, but also for the year that I am 30 years old. And because I am not merely a geek, but the Grand Poo-Bah of Geeks, I have not only a list but one with sub-categories (I know, all lesser geeks cower in my geekiness).

Extending my warranty (I’ve recently been reading “You: Staying Young” and it’s in tune with much of my general philosophy. This list may be extended or made more specific as I continue my readings)
Get in more veg (I’m pretty good with the fruit, but the veg…)
One bean or legume dish a week
Prepare proper balanced meals at home more often (I’m not setting a weekly goal at this point)
Watch less telly (thank you writers’ strike)
Read more
Floss before going to bed
Go to bed earlier (10:30)
Get up at a set time (6:00)
Return to basic yoga in the evenings
Reduce coffee intake
Drink more green tea

Get into fighting shape (as I may or may not have mentioned I play tackle football, so this is meant literally. We start our training in April and I intend to be ready for the pain)
I’ve ordered two resources, a strength training book for women and an athletic conditioning DVD (I don’t know how to link to things just yet, thus exposing my embarrassing lack of computer savvy), and received them last night. Once I’ve read them I’m going to begin adapting the regime into my lifestyle
Assuming it’s in line with the above mentioned regime, cardio 4-6 x/week, of which at least one will be interval training and the other will sprint training

Finish reading at least a couple of the football coaching books that Nick owns
Move around (be it a long walk with the puppy or skating or structured gym time) at least once a day

Lose the last 10!!! (this rates much lower than the other two goals, and the other two goals will contribute, obviously)
Only eat refined carbs when either a) I’m in a situation where there’s no better option (I travel a fair bit for work, often to kinda remote places) or b) when it’s something that I specifically want and I eat it while present (I comfort eat, but am very often numb when I do so. I don’t care if I eat a brownie and enjoy it. I hate when I eat a brownie and don’t even remember tasting it)
Bring enough food with me to work (when I get hungry I make bad choices)
Don’t mindlessly munch
Don’t eat in front of the telly
Actually plan my meals and try to follow the above mentioned book’s nutritional advice
Have a calendar that shows the days that I achieve goals
Blog at least twice a week and try for 3 times

Organize my world
Empty old dresser so that new dresser can brought upstairs
Clean out home office
Pack away Christmas stuff such that I’m not losing my mind next Christmas
Sort through everything at work office, file much of it
Clean out bedroom closet
Cull out-of-control show collection and find home for remaining ridiculous amount of shoes
Finish unpacking last boxes in bedroom
Sort out jewelry

Home mishmash
Paint kitchen, hallway and entrance way
Deal with the disaster that is my backyard
Deal with the drainage issue before neighbors lynch us

New furniture i.e. couch, kitchen table (this is a maybe)

Weekly clean-up (including sweeping, bathrooms, kitchen)

Professional mishmash
Complete professional requirements (that should have been done about three years ago!!)
Pick up MBA diploma
Update resume
Start pursuing the projects that I am specifically interested in (and that I can potentially manage)
Start brushing up on Espanol

Be more thrifty (we're dinks - Duel-Income-No-Kids - so I have a comfortable amount of disposable income. However, I also have a sunstantial student loan that I'd like to make more of a dent)

Eat out less (we don't go out for supper often. My problem is the coffees and the snacks and all of that. Each week I spend about $50 on this - that's $200/mth!!)

Use the library (I've got a reading fetish that must be fed, but there are other ways...)

Ask, "do I really need it??" prior to purchases

Less pre-packaged food (one of our biggest expenses is our grocery bill)

Be a do-gooder! (especially, I want to focus on environmental concerns and further reduce my ecological footprint)

Be more energy savvy at home (i.e. turn off lights and heat in empty rooms, switch to more efficient light bulbs)

Work hrader at reducing packaging

Buy more local produce

Start mini-garden in backyard

Look into volunteering locally

Keep in touch with long distance friends and family

Huh. Quite the list, n’est pas? But I have no expectations that I will have completed all of these tomorrow (obviously). I have all month… I kid, I kid!! Most of these are a work in progress and in some cases I won’t even be able to make a start on till the summer.

They are in order of those things that I can start addressing immediately. So I guess I’d better get going, hmmmm?

Quick addition: I'm up a pound. Boooooooo!!!!

Quickie

Still holding steady. It would seem that my body is an expert at maintaining. In the early weeks of December this was a source of much frustration, but right now, after a week of steady grazing, I will take that maintained weight, and might I add a “woo-hoo”?

It’s a New Year, and while I echo the sentiment found in many blogs that resolutions need not be limited to early January, I’ve always liked the fresh crisp feeling that I have when I finally drag myself out of bed on January first. This is compounded by the fact that my birthday is December 30th.

I like sitting down and assessing what the previous year has brought, and then figuring out what I would like to accomplish in the upcoming year. And I just like lists. A lot.

I still haven’t thoroughly done this yet, and don’t want to slap down a bunch of things all willy-nilly, so I think I’ll leave this as my quick weekly check-in, and continue to ponder the last year and plan for the next.