Deeper, deeeeeper...

I think I’m disappointed and upset because I keep expecting Nick to help supply me with happiness. I don’t know if that’s fair or not, but I guess that’s how I always believed relationships worked; both parties actively trying to make each others’ lives happier. And I do genuinely believe that I try to do so for Nick. However, he doesn’t provide the same to me.

I’m torn on the situation. On one hand, I feel I should be able to skip along merrily without affirmation from Nick. I shouldn’t base my esteem on him. However, isn’t there a line?? If he teases me with put downs, shouldn’t he boost me up too?? And at the end of the day shouldn’t I have some measure of certainty that he’s attracted to me and finds me interesting and that I’m special and wonderful to him?? Even if it’s not said explicitly all the time, shouldn’t one have that in a serious relationship? Particularly one that is supposed to be headed towards marriage?

‘Cause such is not the case.

So, where does that leave me? Well, in the long run, I don’t know.

But in the short run, I think I have to focus on my own happiness. I need to read and see people and go to movies and exercise and do what I need to do to achieve my goal of feeling good about myself. And I can’t let outside influences distract me from achieving my happiness.

Stop-Gap

I’m an emotional eater. When things are tense, and I’m feeling general malaise or ennui, I turn to food (or sometimes shopping… which is just so sadly cliché I refuse to even touch it right now).

Things with Nick are tense. We have issues, and I’m not sure how they’ll be resolved, or if they’ll be resolved, given that he is completely unwilling to discuss things, and certainly not interested in making changes. Maybe these are unfair statements, but they’re based on the impressions he gives.

Given that there won’t be an immediate resolution to the issues that are eating at me, and given that I’m not prepared to walk quite yet, I have to suck it up. I have to do my best to stop fretting constantly and stop letting it all affect my eating habits, my motivation and my sleep.

Here are the things that I believe will help restore my equilibrium;
1. Get more sleep.
2. Eat better.
3. Exercise regularly.
4. Visit my friends more regularly.

There’s certainly more, but let’s not overwhelm my poor quivering brain, now shall we.

Given that it seems that I’m primary in the role doggie Mama, I can’t see sleeping in any later than 6am. So, I’ll just have to ensure that I’m getting to bed by 9:30-10:00, no matter who is over. And if I have to dip into my supply of sleeping pills, so be it.

I’m going to pair down my eats to the bare bones for the next couple of weeks (not literally bones, 'cause, ugh). Lots of vegetables, fruit, water and tea, supplimented with lean protein. I'm also going to try and reduce my coffee intake, which I think may be affecting my sleep.

Football is all done now, so I should have much more free time. I hesitate to detail it out right now, suffice it say that I will be making exercise, both cardio and strength training, a priority for the next few weeks.

I enjoyed spending time with Kristen so very much on Saturday. I have to work on this over the next few weeks. Fostering friendships is most definitely the way to prevent my head from blowing up while Nick and I are struggling through this nonsense.

Four points to try and emphasize in importance over the next two to three weeks. Can do.

Progress of a sort

145

It’s been several days since I’ve checked in. I’ve stayed pretty true to my commitment of hopping on the scale regularly, checking at least every other day. The benefit has been that the number is becoming just a number. It’s interesting to watch the difference a heavy meal or a salty day (you know what I mean) can make.

There hasn’t been much change to be noted in the number, but I have been making changes.

I’ve started tracking what I eat again. I’ve gone old school, using a pretty notebook that I’ve been keeping in my purse. I’ve got a good memory for numbers, and can sadly remember the values of most of the basic foods I eat regularly. When I’m in doubt, I just check on-line. But it’s ridiculously easy to estimate most unprocessed foods. Lean meat: about 120 cal for 100g (3-4 oz), fruit: about 100 cal for a serving (which is usually about a half a cup to a cup), vegetables: either almost nil for greens, peppers, broccoli, etc, and starchy vegetables yields more like about 100 cal/cup, fats/oils: 100 cal/tbsp. Starches are a bit harder to estimate, but 100 cal/half cup is about right, or the same for a slice of bread/half a roll.

It’s not perfect, but I’m trying to avoid being perfect. I used to sometimes reduce healthy foods from half a cup to a third of a cup just to save like 20 calories. I’d measure and fret, and for what?? Knowing my calories is useful, but I want to know within say 200 cal. I know I can lose by eating about 1600 cal/day. Some days it’ll be more like 1800 or even 2000, but I also know that some days it will be more like 1400. It’ll all balance out in the end.

I’m also very pleased to announce that I’ve gone for at least a brief run for the past three mornings. The puppy has been with me, and getting him worn out for the day provides much motivation. My knee kinda hurt this morning after bustin’ it up a hill, but I think I’ll just wear my brace tomorrow morning, and that should prevent anymore owey-ness. I currently plan on hitting the gym for some upper-body weight madness before the game this evening.

Still at it

Just for the record, I haven’t abandoned this endeavor yet. And while blogging daily is highly helpful to me, I have to acknowledge that it might not always be realistic. I’ve been over the top busy lately here at work, and at home we got a puppy on Sunday, and my time at home has been divided between giving him lots of love (he’s five months old, and almost four of those months were spent in a cage at a pet store, which is tragic) and trying to get him housebroken (see previous parenthesis).

However, things have been going along not too badly. I’m now 145 lbs, partly due to eating better and getting some activity in, but also partly due to the onset of my period. I’ve charted it all out, and because I’m a giant geek, I’ve included the trendline. I have to be careful about making estimates about my potential rate of loss as I have the tendency to start hanging hopes and dreams on crazy maybe’s

I feel like I’m starting to get settled in to a healthier eating pattern over the past couple of days. Not perfect by a long shot, but when eating less nutritious foods I eat sensible potions (a handful of chips rather than a whole bag), and thus far I haven’t succumb to the perfection that cab plague (wherein I try to be perfect and if I “fail”, like eating a cookie, the whole day is written off as a failure and I may as well go eat thirty cookies. And maybe some doughnuts (mmmmmm…)

Activity has been moderate. I’m still not where I’d like to be, but I’m definitely improving.

'Fessing up

I don’t want to establish a list of rules right now as I did in the past. However, I do want to establish a habit of writing daily, and the only way to do so is by doing so.

That being said, I didn’t want to write today. Because not only was I “bad” last night, making me a big hypocrite after all my hoity-toity talk yesterday, but I was also “bad” this morning, having eaten some candy and some dried fruit.

But then I had a couple of thoughts. The first was, from whom am I hiding my horrible horrible deeds??? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure I’m the only one here. So am I trying to deny my eating habits to myself?? It sorta seems so. Which makes sense because I often get to a point when I’ve gone a binge, or even a mini-binge, where it takes a colossal amount of effort to remember what I’ve eaten. Which really is a bad thing (and should be distinguished from a “bad” thing).

The second thought ties directly into the first, and that relates to how I tend to demonize food. I’m hiding my eating habits because I tend to think in the deepest depths of my heart that sometimes I’m “good” and sometimes I’m “bad”, and that’s something I have to break out of.

The third thought was that really I didn’t have an excessive amount of food either day, so why was I making a big deal about it?? I will acknowledge that I can’t eat in that way everyday if I expect to lose weight (I had many many chocolate covered raisins last night, followed by several slices of cinnamon toast and a piece of cheese, followed by baked fries, and then chased by some more chocolate raisins). But one night. More important is to look at why I became the bottomless chasm than to deny that it happened.

So there we are. I could be labeled a hypocrite (by myself, ‘cause again, just me here). Or I could accept that I might have a few too many nutritionally empty (but oh-so-tasty) foods, shrug it off , and have a supper of lean protein, vegetables and whole grains.

And by the way, I also weighed myself this morning.

150.

The Countdown

There has been a significant hiatus due to the crazy that has besieged me. But I think it’s time to acknowledge that there will always be craziness, and such is just the nature of life (unless you live on a farm. And even then the craziness would just manifest in other ways, like barn raising and quilting bees.)

My challenges were not particularly successful. I do these things in a bubble; I don’t start talking nothing but diet-babble to my friends, I don’t share my master plan with Nick, because I know that they’re boring and more than a little self-indulgent. But that means when I slip-up, there’s no to whom I’m accountable. This is something that I need to address

But enough is enough. Time to get down to brass tacks. For reals, this time. ‘Cause we’re in the final hour.

As of today, there are just over eleven weeks left before my thirtieth birthday. As of this morning, I was a grand total of 147 lbs. I want to drop 12 lbs by 30.

I got the ability (mad skillz, yo), the general know-how, and all the tools I need. And I go the cash to supplement it all as need be. Now I just have to put it all to use.

I think my plan is to weigh every day, and then take an average every Monday.

This is not a goal on which I will hang my hat. I’m pretty happy with myself most of the time right now. But I want just that little bit more. I want to be muffin-top free, and I want a better base of fitness for next football season. I want that extra tweak of confidence, a lack of self-consciousness.

I’ve got a pretty full roster of activity. I don’t think I’m going to spell them out here, because that has seemingly failed me in the past. I think I’ll just try to post here daily and discuss the woes and pitfalls (and also the wins and small joys).