Revival (take 451,594)

I have had a crap-tastic two months.

I was trying to get the women’s tackle football league up and running, and failed due to lack of commitment and interest. That means that I won’t be playing tackle football this summer, which is something that I sorta feel like I should be able to take in stride, but I haven’t. I’ve defined myself by this for a long time, and now it’s gone.

I’ve also been having a rough go of it with Nick. I have serious concerns about our long term compatibility. I don’t know if it’s something we could talk through or not, but I guess I won’t know, because Nick won’t. To his mind we are meant to be together, point finale. And while a part of me is touched by his unwavering faith in our relationship, another part of me wants more that what he seems to be offering. It's scary because sometimes I wonder if I stay with him because it’s just easier than dealing with selling the house and fighting over who gets the dog.

Struggling with my relationship with Nick has highlighted how neglectful I’ve been of many other relationships with friends. I feel lonely and isolated, and sometimes just a little bit crazy.

And how have I dealt with all this? Um, not well. I haven’t been sleeping well and my nails are bitten to nubs. I've been watching too much television, and procrastinating on things at home. And I’ve been eating. I’m not just talking about the occasional indulgence here and there. I’ve gone entire days where nothing of nutritional substance passes my lips, where I eat only candy and pastries.

To make matters worse, my motivation to work out has severely declined, partly due to my mild depression and partly because my end goal of being football-fit is sort of moot when there’s no football.

So here I am, reviving my wanning motivation and fitness and everything, again. I hired a trainer who will meet with me twice a week for the next month. I’ve also tracked my food in the Daily Plate for the first time since February (although, in the spirit of full disclosure, one of my entries was a lemon square). And I weighed myself for the first time in almost two months this morning.

154lbs.

Dammit.

I can’t do anything more about football for this season, and because of restrictions with the association from which we rent gear, we’re limited to the late spring/early summer season. So time to move on till next season. Nick feels that things will work out, and I’ve agreed to stay another few months. Given that I’ve already agreed, there’s no pointing fretting over the matter further. I have to wait and see what Nick does. So in a sense, it’s also out of my control.

But I can lose the 10 pounds I gained, dammit. And I can lose the other 10 pounds that I’ve been carrying around since my knee injury three years ago. I figure if I pour all my angst into this endeavor I should kick those 20 lbs ass. I can feel healthier and more confident.