My new passion (maybe)

Note: neither of these ladies is me. However, I just wanted to show two women in jiu-jitsu who weren't wrestling in bikinis (google, you make me sad sometimes...)

So the high of a couple of days ago was apparently bloat, ‘cause I’m back down to 151.6. That means that I’ve dropped a couple of pounds since last week, and so am feeling a little bit better about myself. As of right now, I should be able to get back to my baseline weight of 145 lbs by my trip to LA in three weeks, assuming that I can lose the prescribed healthy weight of 2 lbs per week.

I’m really frustrated with myself, though. Time and time again I let my emotions drive my eating habits. Aside from my vanity being affected when my pants start getting too tight, a swing of 10 lbs in a month can have a detrimental effect on my health.

I’m still feeling a little lost in terms of my activity. No football this summer for the first time in years has left me feeling like I’m cut adrift. I’ve been getting more into jiu-jitsu, but the gym where I’ve been training is MMA oriented (Mixed Martial Arts, like the UFC). That means that it is VERY heavy on the testosterone. Usually I feel like I can hold my own in such situations, but the machismo is pretty extreme, and most of the guys don’t even talk to me. So although I really enjoy it, it’s really hard to get the same feeling of being part of a group that I would get from football.

There is one other woman that attends, and she and I have become sort of buddies, or at least regular training partners. However, she doesn’t have the same problem with being snubbed because she is best friends with our instructor and has worked with several of the other “alpha” guys (this is how she got into the sport). So when it comes to partner up, they have no problem grappling with her even though they’re much more advanced. They offer hints, and are very patient. Such is not the case with me. If they do agree to work with me, then I often feel that they are frustrated with my inferior skills. Or maybe I’m just paranoid.

Long and short, the discomfort, paranoia induced or not, means that I often am less than motivated to attend class. And on days when my training buddy is not going to make it, I’m even less inclined to go. Like today.

Aside from the above, the location and the timing of classes makes getting to the studio an effort. So, my motivation has to be even higher to overcome that.

Le sigh. I would like to advance in this sport, I really would, but the roadblocks in my way (many of my own making), are making it seriously hard.

Also....

Aside from this looming trip, I have three other upcoming events in the short term and the medium term.

Shortly after I get from LA, I have a circus show that I’ll be performing in. And aside from this show being performed in front of some friends and family, it also serves as an audition to do some bigger performances. To be successful I have to be strong, and lean as possible given that I’m holding up my own body weight for much of the show. I would also like to look good in the very unforgiving costumes that are worn

I also would like to compete in some bjj competitions. Again, I obviously have to be fit to be successful in this, but again, I need to be leaner – there’s a good chance that I’ll be competing against men, and if I’m 150lbs, 28% body fat rolling with someone 150lbs, 10% body fat, I’m going to be at a serious disadvantage.

And finally, I have a purely vain motive as well. My aunt is getting married the first week of August and it’s going to be a huge family get-together. I would very much like to be svelte and slim for this as my aunts, wonderful ladies though they are, are VERY judgmental and I don’t want to give them any ammunition.

Eff

I’m still binge eating, still not sleeping anywhere near enough (which of course makes for some crazy carb cravings), and am just generally a mess.

I stepped on the scale this morning and clocked in at 158.

I hope that there’s some sort of weird hormonal or sodium bloating thing going on, but I’m a-scared. I also feel so unattractive. Many of my clothes aren’t fitting and I just feel tired and weak.

I know that I can turn this around. My weight has always been tied in with my emotions, and I’ve been very emotionally volatile lately. However, I have my first vacation in several years at the end of May. I’m going with a girlfriend to LA, the land of sun and skinny, and I had hoped when I booked the trip a couple of months ago that I would slim out a little beforehand. Now, with a little under four weeks we leave, I’m just hoping to get back to my “normal weight” something like 145. Whether that’s actually possible, I don’t know, and I'm a little worried that I'm setting myself up for failure by setting deadlines.

I have been doing much better with exercising. It’s the perpetual overeating that’s packing on the pounds. I’ll also admit to a lack of motivation to some of my extra activities. For example, I skipped out on an opportunity to go into the jiu-jitsu studio on Sunday for no reason other than I felt overwhelmed about the effort required to get there.

Anyway, I have no more room for error if I want to have any hope of fitting into my summer clothes when we go to LA. If I can even lose 10 lbs I think I can prevent much of my potential discomfort while I’m there.

Revival (take 451,594)

I have had a crap-tastic two months.

I was trying to get the women’s tackle football league up and running, and failed due to lack of commitment and interest. That means that I won’t be playing tackle football this summer, which is something that I sorta feel like I should be able to take in stride, but I haven’t. I’ve defined myself by this for a long time, and now it’s gone.

I’ve also been having a rough go of it with Nick. I have serious concerns about our long term compatibility. I don’t know if it’s something we could talk through or not, but I guess I won’t know, because Nick won’t. To his mind we are meant to be together, point finale. And while a part of me is touched by his unwavering faith in our relationship, another part of me wants more that what he seems to be offering. It's scary because sometimes I wonder if I stay with him because it’s just easier than dealing with selling the house and fighting over who gets the dog.

Struggling with my relationship with Nick has highlighted how neglectful I’ve been of many other relationships with friends. I feel lonely and isolated, and sometimes just a little bit crazy.

And how have I dealt with all this? Um, not well. I haven’t been sleeping well and my nails are bitten to nubs. I've been watching too much television, and procrastinating on things at home. And I’ve been eating. I’m not just talking about the occasional indulgence here and there. I’ve gone entire days where nothing of nutritional substance passes my lips, where I eat only candy and pastries.

To make matters worse, my motivation to work out has severely declined, partly due to my mild depression and partly because my end goal of being football-fit is sort of moot when there’s no football.

So here I am, reviving my wanning motivation and fitness and everything, again. I hired a trainer who will meet with me twice a week for the next month. I’ve also tracked my food in the Daily Plate for the first time since February (although, in the spirit of full disclosure, one of my entries was a lemon square). And I weighed myself for the first time in almost two months this morning.

154lbs.

Dammit.

I can’t do anything more about football for this season, and because of restrictions with the association from which we rent gear, we’re limited to the late spring/early summer season. So time to move on till next season. Nick feels that things will work out, and I’ve agreed to stay another few months. Given that I’ve already agreed, there’s no pointing fretting over the matter further. I have to wait and see what Nick does. So in a sense, it’s also out of my control.

But I can lose the 10 pounds I gained, dammit. And I can lose the other 10 pounds that I’ve been carrying around since my knee injury three years ago. I figure if I pour all my angst into this endeavor I should kick those 20 lbs ass. I can feel healthier and more confident.