Slowly but surely....

I am now a mere two pounds away from where I was right after I got back from Trinidad, the point when I officially went off the rails.

Given that it only took me about 3 or 4 weeks to put on the nine pounds that I gained, the progress has been slow to say the least. However, it's been steady forward progress for the most part and I feel really comfortable doin' what I'm doin', so I think I can stick to my healthier eating and tougher workout regime for the long haul and lose the weight.

Support

I’m feeling very excited. And a little nervous. But a whole lot excited. I’ve decided to join the ranks of fitness fanatics on the Turbulence Training bandwagon. And because I’m not so good with the half-ass, I’m also joining a group initiated by the very-inspiring Sara of Sanaworld fame.

I just bought the slew of e-manuals from the TT site, and am just starting to browse through them, hence the excitement. However, there’s an ugly little voice asking why I’m going to commit to this given that I’ve been withering about for the past year or more. Hence the nervous. I have an answer, to that ugly little voice, though, and that is because this time I have a plan, man!

Even more importantly, I’ll have a support system, which is something that I’ve never really had before. It’s funny because while Nick is never outwardly negative about new things that I decide to throw myself into, he’s not particularly supportive either. This is furthered by the fact that I tend to treat attempts to lose weight as a private struggle. This will be a very new experience for me, and one that I’m looking forward to.

Loser!!!

I went to the gym this morning and joined their "Biggest Loser" program. There are four teams, each meeting at different days and times, but because this team meeting is being held early in the morning, there are only two other people in it, both women and both seemingly very nice. A small group means high acocuntibility, which I need, and a potential of bonding with the other two women, which is nice. And the group leader (a personal trainer at the gym) seems very knowledgable and is more aligned with the "clean foods" way of thinking rather than the "no foods" way of thinking.

Discouragement

I’m still struggling to lose the weight that I gained back immediately after returning from Trinidad. My clothes feel just a leetle bit tight, or don’t seem to be hanging quite right. I’d love to proclaim my frustration that I’ve been “doing everything right!”, but such is very much not the case.

My eating has been all over the place, with a couple of exemplary days followed by a few days where things are just a mess. I’m binging again, eating until I’m uncomfortable and sick, sneaking food, eating weird combinations in an attempt to address my cravings. I hate this feeling of being out of control. And while it’s easy to say that I’m stopping it! Today!! I don’t know if I can – when I’m in that moment, I’m not thinking of my plan or my goal weight or my goal dress or my friend’s upcoming wedding, I’m just trying to get as much food into my face as I possibly can in that moment.

There’s another “Biggest Loser” starting up at the gym on Tuesday mornings, and I’m really thinking about joining in. I need some accountability, someone to notice and say, “um, so what’s going on here?”

Taking a look at some underlying issues; I’m unhappy at work, I’m feeling anxious about my ability to play football this year, I’m concerned about money, I feel that there’s so much to be done around the house, but I lack the finances and the know-how to address them. Ugh.

I’m going to slogging on, because I’ve tried just ignoring things and promptly gained a full ten pounds (after I returned from Trinidad). I’m going to look back, and re-acknowledge some of the goals that I made for myself some four months ago.

Just breathe

Wednesday and Thursday were both good days (although I would up snacking on multigrain tortilla chips last night.... not too many, but the only reason I touched them was because they were sitting in front of me for the ENTIRE NIGHT!!! grrrrr), however, today was teetering on the brink.

I made beautiful meals for myself last night, breakfast and supper as well as lunch because I have to stay in the city for a coaching clinic this evening and because I was running late this morning (and I like to eat about an hour or so after I wake, so brekkie at work is better for me). All my meals planned out, healthy and filling. And then I left it on the kitchen counter this morning. Dammit.

Starving, I rumaged in my desk and came out with a Nutrigrain bar, from where?? I don't know.... I didn't pause long enough to ask questions. And after in was gone (in two gulps! Those things are wee!), I started thinking about what other sweet delights I could get in the next ten minutes. I started justifying a date square (dried fruit and oats!!), an apple cinnamon bun (more fruit!), a nanamio square (damage is already done! May as well plow on!), and saying that I'll work out on my lunch break and before the clinic. The synthetic sweetness of the crappy cereal bar made me just want more, more, MORE!

But I called my Mom. Not about my urge to binge, but chatted about other things. And then I started to write this. Since the opening paragraph (which I have just changed from "is teetering" to "was teetering"), I have quelled my sugar demons, and have decided to drive the 20 minutes home. It'll be my lunch break (although I'm doing it now so that I don't talk myself out of it).

Sometimes you just have to take a moment to breathe, no?

Goals

A quickie to try and get myself back on track

1. No sweets today.
2. Eat within calories while getting enough protein.
3. Track food, INCLUDING AT NIGHT (last night... just ugh...).
4. Remember my focus (football starts NEXT WEEK, weekend away with three other couple May 16th - 5 weeks, wedding with Nick's ex June 21st - 10 weeks, wedding in which I'm a bridesmaid August 9th, about 16 weeks).