Also....

Aside from this looming trip, I have three other upcoming events in the short term and the medium term.

Shortly after I get from LA, I have a circus show that I’ll be performing in. And aside from this show being performed in front of some friends and family, it also serves as an audition to do some bigger performances. To be successful I have to be strong, and lean as possible given that I’m holding up my own body weight for much of the show. I would also like to look good in the very unforgiving costumes that are worn

I also would like to compete in some bjj competitions. Again, I obviously have to be fit to be successful in this, but again, I need to be leaner – there’s a good chance that I’ll be competing against men, and if I’m 150lbs, 28% body fat rolling with someone 150lbs, 10% body fat, I’m going to be at a serious disadvantage.

And finally, I have a purely vain motive as well. My aunt is getting married the first week of August and it’s going to be a huge family get-together. I would very much like to be svelte and slim for this as my aunts, wonderful ladies though they are, are VERY judgmental and I don’t want to give them any ammunition.

Eff

I’m still binge eating, still not sleeping anywhere near enough (which of course makes for some crazy carb cravings), and am just generally a mess.

I stepped on the scale this morning and clocked in at 158.

I hope that there’s some sort of weird hormonal or sodium bloating thing going on, but I’m a-scared. I also feel so unattractive. Many of my clothes aren’t fitting and I just feel tired and weak.

I know that I can turn this around. My weight has always been tied in with my emotions, and I’ve been very emotionally volatile lately. However, I have my first vacation in several years at the end of May. I’m going with a girlfriend to LA, the land of sun and skinny, and I had hoped when I booked the trip a couple of months ago that I would slim out a little beforehand. Now, with a little under four weeks we leave, I’m just hoping to get back to my “normal weight” something like 145. Whether that’s actually possible, I don’t know, and I'm a little worried that I'm setting myself up for failure by setting deadlines.

I have been doing much better with exercising. It’s the perpetual overeating that’s packing on the pounds. I’ll also admit to a lack of motivation to some of my extra activities. For example, I skipped out on an opportunity to go into the jiu-jitsu studio on Sunday for no reason other than I felt overwhelmed about the effort required to get there.

Anyway, I have no more room for error if I want to have any hope of fitting into my summer clothes when we go to LA. If I can even lose 10 lbs I think I can prevent much of my potential discomfort while I’m there.

Revival (take 451,594)

I have had a crap-tastic two months.

I was trying to get the women’s tackle football league up and running, and failed due to lack of commitment and interest. That means that I won’t be playing tackle football this summer, which is something that I sorta feel like I should be able to take in stride, but I haven’t. I’ve defined myself by this for a long time, and now it’s gone.

I’ve also been having a rough go of it with Nick. I have serious concerns about our long term compatibility. I don’t know if it’s something we could talk through or not, but I guess I won’t know, because Nick won’t. To his mind we are meant to be together, point finale. And while a part of me is touched by his unwavering faith in our relationship, another part of me wants more that what he seems to be offering. It's scary because sometimes I wonder if I stay with him because it’s just easier than dealing with selling the house and fighting over who gets the dog.

Struggling with my relationship with Nick has highlighted how neglectful I’ve been of many other relationships with friends. I feel lonely and isolated, and sometimes just a little bit crazy.

And how have I dealt with all this? Um, not well. I haven’t been sleeping well and my nails are bitten to nubs. I've been watching too much television, and procrastinating on things at home. And I’ve been eating. I’m not just talking about the occasional indulgence here and there. I’ve gone entire days where nothing of nutritional substance passes my lips, where I eat only candy and pastries.

To make matters worse, my motivation to work out has severely declined, partly due to my mild depression and partly because my end goal of being football-fit is sort of moot when there’s no football.

So here I am, reviving my wanning motivation and fitness and everything, again. I hired a trainer who will meet with me twice a week for the next month. I’ve also tracked my food in the Daily Plate for the first time since February (although, in the spirit of full disclosure, one of my entries was a lemon square). And I weighed myself for the first time in almost two months this morning.

154lbs.

Dammit.

I can’t do anything more about football for this season, and because of restrictions with the association from which we rent gear, we’re limited to the late spring/early summer season. So time to move on till next season. Nick feels that things will work out, and I’ve agreed to stay another few months. Given that I’ve already agreed, there’s no pointing fretting over the matter further. I have to wait and see what Nick does. So in a sense, it’s also out of my control.

But I can lose the 10 pounds I gained, dammit. And I can lose the other 10 pounds that I’ve been carrying around since my knee injury three years ago. I figure if I pour all my angst into this endeavor I should kick those 20 lbs ass. I can feel healthier and more confident.

Rough week

Nick and I have had a rough week. Or rather I have, while Nick doesn’t seem to realize that the spat that we had last Saturday morning, during which petty, nasty things were said, is still lingering and I’m still rolling the implication of some of those petty, nasty things over in my head.

All I’ve wanted to do is eat. I’m an emotional eater, with binge tendencies. How is someone who prides herself on being rational and practical also an emotional eater? Dunno. And yet.

I don’t have complete control over this, and I usually just try and keep the binge to a minimum. Last night it was oatmeal and brown sugar, and a few Peeps. Today it was some chocolate. I didn’t eat an unusual amount, but I ate in a sort of desperation, trying to dull my feelings of anxiety that stem from my relationship woes.

If I can stick to my plan for the rest of the day/evening then I’ll consider that a win.

Happy Dance!!

After maintaining the same weight for several weeks, I took a step back from the scale. I had been weighing myself daily and the frustration of not seeing any progress was starting to undermine my motivation. So I decided to go back to weighing only once a week, either Saturday or Sunday.

I stepped on the scale on Saturday. I lost almost 4 pounds.



So I weigh 146.6lb, which means I met my five pound loss goal (as suggested by the BDS) of 147lb, and now I can set a NEW five pound goal to reach 142lb.

And aside from my slow slog through the BDS, I’m still trying to keep my resolutions in mind. Here’s a brief summary of how I’m doing;

Hitting my target:
2. Eating breakfast
3. Tracking food
5. No more daily coffee (I still have some on weekends, but that’s it)
7. Push during training once a week
9. Weigh and record once a week.

Fulfilling in Spirit:
4. Eat protein at every meal – while I’m eating more protein, I still need to up my consumption
6. 10 hours of activity per week – I haven’t hit that yet, but I’m taking longer walks with the pooch, and getting in more activity regularly

Ooops…
1. Remind myself of resolutions (and practice BDS) daily – it’s been sporadic at best and I know that the BDS works best if I read my response cards and work the program daily
8. Work on pull-ups twice a week – I’ve had a couple of strenuous weeks physically, so haven’t really worked the pull-ups… actually I kinda forgot to work the pull-ups (hence the need for #1). However, this reminded me of my goal, so I’ll be back at them tonight
10. Ongoing list for housework and work tasks – I need to update this and check it regularly, otherwise I become too complacent

BDS - Day 7

#7 – Arrange your environment

This is advice provided by every magazine and diet advocate, but it definitely helps. The basic premise is that if it isn’t in the house then you likely won’t make the trip to the store to go get it. I am a semi-reformed Binge Eater (linked with depression, both now controlled med-free). I still have some tendencies to binge and not having things in the house or in my office has helped me a great deal (although I used to go for a car-rise to buy things at my worst).

However, I know live with my partner, and his food purchases have contributed to my slow gain since we moved in together. See, he has no emotional connection with food, so he can buy a tub of ice cream and let it collect frost after one bowlful. I’m at a point where I can do that sometimes or even most of the time, but in those times where I’m feeling something ugly if there’s any of my trigger foods around it will have a very short life span.

This can even include those things that I can combine to make into a trigger food. I’ve only recently been able to keep sugar in my house, and even then I buy small amounts from the bulk store. I’ve has a few mini-binges that have required me throwing the remnants of a bag into the compost to stop myself.

So, for me arranging my environment is not just a little step, it’s been essential in the past and not having sole control has been causing me difficulty for the past year and a half. But Nick’s wii fit slap down has prompted him to eat better and he’s stopped buying a lot of the junk he used to keep around.

Things that I’ve done to arrange my environment:
- Easy to munch on foods (i.e. nuts, cereal) are on the highest shelf in the kitchen so they catch my eye, making me grab a handful.
- I’ve minimized the tempting foods that are brought into the house.
- Food brought into the office by co-workers is rare, and if I just wait it out it usually is gone in a fairly short amount of time.
- I’ve announced to Nick my intention lose weight, and that I’m going to be eating healthier.

The last point is another part of this step; announce that you’re dieting, and this is the go-to reason why you don’t want certain foods around. This is the only step that has prompted a Sabotaging Thought;

Sabotaging Thought: “I’m embarrassed to tell people that I’m dieting.”
Response: “Why? The worst that can happen is that I don’t lose weight and they’re mildly critical. On the other hand, by giving a definitive answer I’ve closed the door to more pushing.”

I don’t know why I hate saying, “I’m dieting” or even, “I’m watching what I eat” or whatever. I think it’s because I don’t want to admit that I’m not 100% happy with myself, as it would be a sign of less confidence. I don’t know the reason, but I’ve overcome it at least with Nick and my Mom this time around.

Still trudgin' along...

(This is a fairly accurate representation of the conditions here right now... my poor miniature poodle is regularly over his head.)

After last week I have had a decided rebound. It took a couple of days, granted, but by Wednesday I was back to tracking my food and being active.

I think a couple of things saved me; 1.) it’s hard to slack off on my activities… I’m enrolled in several classes so that forces me out of the house, and the dog needs close to an hour of exercise a day to stay sane (more if possible) and I love my doggie, so my half of the walking duties means half an hour a day in all but the worst weather. And 2.) I kept up at least somewhat with the tasks in BDS.

After a quick start, I’ve been in a holding pattern around 25-27. I still plan to outline these , but in brief these work on teaching you to recognize your sabotaging thoughts, then recognize that they’re one of nine thinking mistakes, and then question those thinking mistakes to demonstrate their fallacy. I actually have the BDS on my iPod right now so I’ve been listening this section again and again.

In any case, I’m back to feeling in control, which is half the battle for me. I’ve also employed a new strategy into my diet. I was eating about 1,600 calories a day, but was having a hard time on days when I was more active. What I’m doing now is zig-zagging my calories, and hitting the high days on my days when I’ve got more on the go.

What it looks like:
- Monday – 1,500
- Tuesday (when I’ve got bootcamp) – 1,800
- Wednesday – 1,500
- Thursday (BC again) – 1,800
- Friday – 1,500
- Saturday – 1,800
- Sunday (which tends to be my rest day) – 1,400

This isn’t exactly how it’s broken down, but it’s pretty close. Basically, I’m trying to provide more fuel on the days where I’m more active, and on Saturday when I often want a bit more wiggle room so I can go to a restaurant or whatever. Depending on my social plans, sometimes Saturday is a low day and then I make Sunday the higher day (like this past Super Bowl weekend).

I know that this isn’t anything new, but I’ve never been consistent enough with tracking to be able to do this. I have to say that it really helps to provide me with energy, but also to allow for some more caloric indulgences.