Conspirators!

I swear to you, my entire office is conspiring against me in an effort to have me gain 49 lbs over the holidays. In fact, my parents, my friends and Nick (gasp!!!) may all be involved in this nefarious plot.

Oooo, my tum hurts!

Can I go home yet????

145!!! One pound down!!

(I’m actually just a leedle bit disappointed… I’d been jumping on the scale on and off, earlier this week, and had been flirting with 144 and 143. But after two weeks of the same-same, I’ll take that one pound!)

Thank heavens for that one pound to bolster my mood.

I think I should go back to bed as the world is obviously conspiring against me. Or it could be karma come along to smack me upside the head for being so smug. See, I have a crazy number of family (my mother’s side) who live about 4 hours away that I buy small Christmas gifts for. I’ve been more on the ball this year than I have been possibly ever, so when Mom said that she was heading there for an extended weekend, I was all “no big deal”. Presents were wrapped last night, and I was filled with a sense of virtuousness (and that combined with the expected loss this morning). However, as I was loading them into the car this morning to drop off with my Dad (who works in an office close to mine), I had a vague memory float up that two cousins who are normally unable to come home for Christmas, were going to be there this year. And I hadn’t bought them anything (usually wait till after holidays to mail). Dammit. (Solution: Mom assured a panicked me that someone else will be going there from here in the next couple of weeks and won’t mind taking two wee prezzies).

I then realized about ten minutes into our thirty minute commute that I had a reception to attend after work. Not an issue in and of itself, but it’s wet, snowy, sloppy here today so I wore a “business-casual” outfit that definitively errs more on the “casual” side of the spectrum. And normally we’d just turn around and be a bit late, but Nick is taking part in a conference and we were already tight for time. sigh. (Solution: I’ll have to run out and buy a pair of black dress pants, and I always keep a basic black blazer in my office in case of dress-up emergencies. Fortunately, my hair looks okay today and I have a tube of mascara in my purse for my currently make-up-less face). Oh, and I didn’t bring any late afternoon snacks that will prevent me from eating the world or at least the whole buffet table at the reception. (Sol’n: Obviously grab something during the pants expedition, but what?? Maybe an apple and a protein bar… ugh).

Then, about ten minutes after I dropped Nick off at his conference, I realized that I had both his keys AND my keys for the car. And while I’m staying late to go to this reception, he has to leave a bit early to go to another function across town. And I’m in and out of meetings all day today (plus I have to find time to buy a pair of pants) (Sol’n: left keys with front desk reception).

Then while coming into my office building, carrying my purse (oversized), my gym bag and the box of gifts (also very big, and coverless… can you see where this is going?), and fumbling for my key card, I dropped the box of gifts. And one of them broke (Sol’n: I bought it at a shop across the street and so can easily replace it, but this is becoming a very expensive day).

Then, when I went to text Nick (‘cause he can’t answer the phone during the conference, but he can read a text message), I realized that I had forgotten my cell at home. Which isn’t such a huge issue EXCEPT TODAY because I was supposed to call Nick when I was done the reception to let him know to come get me. (Sol’n: I don’t know, I suppose someone will have a phone, or maybe a payphone… do those even exist anymore??? Argggg!!)

And did mention that the snow has turned to rain??? Which will make the trek up to do my errands oh-so-pleasant, I’m sure.

Siiiiiigh. I wanna go home.

Positives and Negatives

Overall I had a fun and productive weekend. And, I didn’t eat my face off from Friday night to Monday morning, something I often do, as if the fact that I’m off the clock for work means that nobody’s paying attention to how much food gets stuffed in my gob.

I’m still having problems tracking what I eat, though. I’ve sorta been doing it, but it’s always well after the fact, like the next day, which means that 1.) it’s waaaaaay less accurate (“how much hummus did I eat??”, “did I even have a snack in the evening??”) and 2.) I don’t get a chance to realize that I’m starting to approach my caloric goal and thus slow the inpact.

I’ve done this for the past three days. None of these days surpassed my cut-off high (at least, according to my memory and estimates), but they were all higher than my target range (I have a target range of about 200 cal, that varies with the amount of activity I do, but then I also have a “WARNING: Do Not Cross” level). On Saturday, when I went to a restaurant for my friend’s birthday I accepted that I was going above my typical target, and my goal was to simply not go above the “WARNING” level. Did this and felt pretty good. Sunday and Monday, however, I thought I was staying within my normal target range and was highly dismayed afterwards to discover that I was considerably higher.

I’m not sure how to get better at this. I do figure that by simply writing it down even after the fact, I’m getting myself more in the habit. However, by doing it afterwards I’m not reaping the actual benefit, which makes me feel like I’m doing the work, but not getting the result (which sucks and is very demotivating!).

Another positive thing I’m doing is wearing my pedometer. I’ve done this over the past couple of days with the intention of hitting 12 500 steps by the end of each day. I’m a numbers person and very competitive (yes, even with myself. Yes, this is kinda weird), so by setting this ongoing goal with myself, I actually do all those extra bits of movement that are always recommended. I take the stairs, I take more little breaks at the office, I volunteer to take the dog on a mini-walk (he’s a puppy and it’s very very cold right now, so we’re going on three or four mini-walks of about 10-15 minutes daily), etc. I’m happy to say that I’ve met or surpassed my goal 4 out of 5 days, and came over 10 000 steps on the other.

Now if I could just bring all these little changes consistently together.

Trying to Get Back on Track

I’m working my way back into doing positive things for my body. I went the gym at lunchtime both yesterday and today, and I started tracking again yesterday after a couple of attempts wherein I tracked during the day and then not when I went home. The reason I did so was pretty evident.

I’m a grazer. Nick has commented that I never seem to eat too much at a meal, which is usually true. But it’s not like I’m not packin’ away the calories at other times. Last night is a perfect example. It wasn’t even as continuous as it can be, but it was bad enough,

I got home, but the puppy needed out NOW (now now now now!!!!), so, starving, I grabbed one of a bunch mini-burrito thingies that Nick had heated up (about 100 cal). After took puppy for quick walk, I had my actual supper consisting of a slice of thin crust chicken pizza (I estimate about 300 cal) followed by a cup of cherries (100 cal).

At this point, I am no longer hungry. If I had stopped I may have had a quick snack before going to bed, or maybe not, depending on my hunger level some three hours later.

But I didn’t stop. In my wanderings around the house, during which I was bored and feeling like I should get several somethings done, but was feeling utterly unmotivated to do so, I had (about) a cup of chips, several scoops of walnuts (half a cup?), and nibbled away at the pan of rice krispie squares (sliver by sliver), adding another 700-800 calories to my daily total.

Again, I need to stress, I was NOT HUNGRY.

It was around 8 or 8:30 I recognized what I was doing and decided I needed to get out of the house. I ran to the store to return a skirt and then to the grocery to pick up a few basics that we had run low on, and then just wandered around the store looking at Christmas decorations.

This is why I have to track, though. As I was nibbling, I thought that I wasn’t actually consuming a lot of food. It wasn’t until I wrote it down that I got a sense of what I had actually consumed. And bear in mind that I’m estimating in hindsight; the cup of chips may have been two in reality, maybe it was more like a full cup of walnuts. In short, the tally might be considerably higher.

But this is why tracking is so onerous for me. I eat a little bit of a lot of things.

But if I don’t, well, it’s shockingly easy to get out of hand.

sigh

The Dress

I have another association with the Christmas party. I had this hope that I would wear “The Dress” this year. Finally.

The Dress is a dress that an old roommate gave me ages ago because it no longer fit her. It’s black, slinky, strappy and sexy as all get out. It’s the perfect length and perfect style for just about any semi-formal occasion. And most importantly, I feel feminine in it (which is relevant if you read the previous post). The caveat is that it’s very figure-hugging, in that it’s tight all the down to the hip. And while I’m a medium sized girl, I have lumps and bumps and general squishiness that I do not wish to expose to the world at large.

So this dress hangs in my closet and is pulled out at intervals when I want to torture myself or steel my resolve to lose the last of my paunch. I need to lose a mere 10 to 15 lbs to smooth things out, or so I estimate, which is a drop in the bucket compared to the amazing achievements of so many bloggers.

I was so hoping to wear this dress if not to the Christmas party, then on my birthday which is New Year’s. And given my progress, or lack there of, it’s not going to happen. No way, nope, nu-uh. I realized that last week when I pulled The Dress out of the closet for a try. I wore the right underwear (I refuse to wear Spanx or any constricting undergarment, so for me that means something that wouldn't show lines, and then a bra that provides some oomph), my sexiest high heels, everything set so that I would look my best. And looking in the mirror I realized that I had really made no progress at all since August which was the last time I tried on The Dress.

And it was then that I kinda gave up.

Not the “I’m-giving-up-so-pass-me-that-pan-of-brownies-and-carton-of-ice-cream-and-hey-are-you-going-to-finsh-that?” type of giving up. Rather it was the “whatever” kind of give up. The kind where you continue to go through the motions of everything (which, thank heavens, has let me maintain), but you’re not really trying anymore.

I haven’t tracking in over a week. I haven’t hit the gym since the day of The Dress. My lunches that I was packing so meticulously, not so meticulous. I spilt a bag of chip with Nick for supper on Monday. Etc, etc.

I’m doing some thinking. Results are pending, but right now I’m very disappointed with myself.

Going Out in Drag

I had my company Christmas party on Saturday night. I work for a fairly large engineering firm, and while I like most of my co-workers, I don’t really know many of them very well. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I don’t really click with many of them. Which is fine. But it makes for a looooong three hours when you’re seated at a table with these virtual strangers and their wives (oh, did I not mention that my co-workers are about 90% men?? ‘Cause they are)

So, not the most comfortable of situations to start with. But it gets worse, at least for me. Because this is a formal occasion, which typically requires a dress. Generally I feel pretty good about my appearance. I don’t necessarily turn heads all the time, but I think I’m cute, and I’ve got enough moxie to up “cute” to “va-va-voom” when I pull out that attitude. My outfit of choice on these occasions is jeans, cute top, sexy-as-hell shoes or boots and some striking make-up (any eye make-up in fact, will look flamboyant… I’m very lucky to have large eyes and long lashes. My biggest problem is that I can sometimes look cartoon-ish). I think I can do “dramatic” or even “sexy” on a good night. “Pretty” is not something I’m comfortable with. And dresses are meant to be pretty.

To top this off, body issues rear their heads. I’m relatively tall. I work out with big, heavy weights, which makes me feel good about myself. I have big legs that are crazily strong, and I love them for that. I have naturally broad shoulders that are well-muscled, which again, I’ll usually try to highlight. But in dress, these assets don’t work.

The end result is that I feel that I look like a man in a dress. Combine that with my long, naturally full hair, big feet and the dramatic eye make-up that I favor, and you get a drag queen.

You now what doesn’t feel so good?? Being the girl who looks like a dude in drag.

I Want Can-dee!!!

I love candy. Chocolate (natch), gummies, licorice, sweet ‘n sours, all of it. By I find that due to my all or nothing nature, a small taste just fuels my desire for more. Granted I’ve come a long way from my full out binges where I’d consume candy, then baked goods, then savories, then more candy and so on in an unending spree of caloric delight. I now find my tummy hurts after a single chocolate bar. But even with a sore belly, that chocolate bar can awaken my taste buds so that they cry “nausea be damned!! Bring me cake!!!)

I have the tendency to use candy and sweets as a crutch when I’m tired and anxious. It’s an easily accessible one as I work downtown and there are plenty of shops that cater to the tired and stressed office worker.

I’ve pretty much abstained for the past week or two, and haven’t really missed it. But last night, I started thinking about chocolate. I ignored it, had some crackers and jam, and an ounce of pumpkin seeds. This morning I started considering how many calories in the giant cinnamon rolls sold in my building (estimate: about 500) or if I’d be satisfied after a muffin (answer: no, I’d want more sweets).

The cravings lasted all through the morning, so at lunchtime I decided to say the hell with it. I’m trying to achieve moderation, and if I want some candy, I say give the girl her candy. But I should have what I really want and not some substitution that will only serve as a stopgap. So I went to the candystore down the street. I got some choc covered malt balls, choc covered raisins, sweet tarts and gourmet licorice. Mmmmmm…. so good.

I think this is a reasonable amount. I had enough to satisfy my cravings, without going overboard (although some people may argue that by reason of my upset belly, I did go overboard. Those people are mean.)

Now I just have to wait until the sugar-belly nausea passes.