A Study in Contradictions

Train Wreck

2009-09-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

I totally fell off the rails for the weekend, extending till yesterday. It was a combination of things; a weekend (a long one at that), eating with other people, and having a lot of feelings of resentment directed towards Nick.

End result? Train wreck. I haven’t been on plan for food, for training or for my N.E.A.T. (Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis, which I gauge by my pedometer, which I don’t wear during a planned work out).

Today has been good so far. I did 30-45 minutes of body weight training, and then walked with Rufus for another 20 minutes. I took my gym gear with the intention of going at lunch, but that was kyboshed by a meeting that ran VERY long.

I weighed myself this morning and although I almost cried, it also recommitted me to my plan.

I want to go really hard for at least the next two weeks. Why? Because two weeks from now I have an appointment to get an existing tattoo on my belly revamped, something I’ve wanted to do for years, but kept putting off while I waited to lose weight. However, I’m 10-15lbs heavier than I was a year ago, so I’ve decided to just do it.

That being said, a stranger is going to be up close and personal with my tummy in two weeks time. Although I can’t lose 25 lbs or anything crazy like that, I want to feel my best which means that I have to train hard and eat well.

How was the first week?

2009-09-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

So I've completed one week, and am on day 8 of my self-imposed challenge, and I have to say so far so good. Progress: I met my 3 lbs lost goal. Downside is that I was secretly hoping for more, and saw a smaller number when I peeked yesterday. However, 3 lbs is a healthy amount, and I really want to focus on losing in a reasonable manner this time.

Good things:
- I've exceeded my pedometer goal of 11,000 steps almost every day. As the intention of the goal is to try and push myself, I'm upping it to 12,000 steps per day for the coming week.
- I did my scheduled workout EVERY DAY! Three days of strength training according to my plan, and three days of cardio. Walks with Rufus and at lunch were added on top of that.
- I tracked my food every day, even when I overate.
- I ate breakfast everyday.
- My sleep is starting to improve.
- I'm not even that sore.

Not so good things:
- I had three days of "slip ups". Only one was what I would consider a binge, which involves eating to try and disassociate from feelings, and usually involves really excessive quantities (on Sunday, the binge day, I hit slightly more than double my target calories). While scary, it still wasn't anywhere near some of my worse days and I did catch myself. The second day was Monday when I went out socially with my football team. Given that the calorie excess was only about 250 over, and given that I had played two games of flag football right before, I am comfortable with that. Last night was somewhere in between the other two days. I only ate an excess of about 250-350 calories, but I was trying to quell some negative feelings. I also kept going for a bit after I realized what was happening in my head. So while the damage wasn't terrible, the causation makes me think of it as a binge.
- My cardio could be stepped up considerably. I'm okay with this as a work in progress, even in the coming week. However, as I get into the groove of things, I should definitely be mindful of the need to make the most of my cardio sessions.
- Sleep still isn't great, so my morning gym sessions are being cut short. Again, let's consider this a work in progress.

All-in-all a good week, though, and I feel confident that I'll hit my first mini-milestone of being back in the 140's next Friday as planned.

Stumbled, but picked myself back up (Day 4)

2009-08-31T09:13:00.000-07:00

I stumbled a bit yesterday. It was a cardio optional day, and while I didn't do anything too intense, I did take the pup for a long walk, about one hour or 4 km. The day went quite well in terms of what I ate, until later that night.

In fact, I was pretty much on target until 11:00, when Nick went to bed. We're still not great, and I was feeling resentful of him due to his general apathy about our relationship (which is a subject that I'm not ready to tackle right now), so I felt restless and not ready for bed. So I stayed up, just foolng around on the computer, and I started to nibble. It went on for about an hour, until I had eaten about 1,400 cal over my target for the day in almonds, trail mix and granola bars.

Extreme, somewhat, but given my track record of binging, I'm taking it in stride. For one thing, it was all more or less healthy food. For another, 1,400 cal is nothing compared to some other ninges in the past.

But the three most important things are that 1.) I tracked what I ate (something I usually don't do after a binge), 2.) I recognize and acknowledge the trigger (late night + stress created by relationship problems) and 3.) I haven't let it continue.

The third point may be the most significant. In the past, one binge would easily lead to days, or weeks or more, of self-sabotaging behviour. I've been off work today, and I've not only eaten healthfully, I've made several healthy foods for the rest of the week (turkey chili for lunches and/or dinners and soy/spelt/zucchini bread for breakfasts and snacks). I'm also dressed for the gym right this second and will be heading there after I hit "post".

My biggest challenge today will actually be this evening. We have our final flag football game in the co-ed league that I play in, and I know that the team will be heading out to the bar that sponsers the league afterwards. I can resist the beer, but there are free nachos provided (as part of the sponsorship) and they are so delicious. My plan is to eat a good supper before the game, and to bring a protein bar to eat right before the bar. I also don't plan on staying too long, and given that Nick (who also plays in the league) and I are taking separate cars because of wonky schedules, I won't feel the guilt of making him leave early.

Here's to fingers crossed for a successful Day 4!

First day back (and ow!)

2009-08-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

I am so sore. I know that I haven't been to a gym since April (ish), but I have been active. I've done body weight work, played flag football, softball, ran, swam and played. But, in hindsight, it's been weeks since I've been in any way consistent, and most of my activity has been more cardio based.

On the other hand, soreness aside, I went to the gym, so yay me!!!

Turns out that all the fitness advice about making a plan and sticking to it actually works (who knew? Oh right. Everyone.) Last night I wrote down what I planned to do (a very straight-forward full body strength training workout), and this morning I did it. My mind did sort of try to talk me out of it, first by whispering that another fifteen minutes of sleep would still allow me time to hit the gym (it wouldn’t), and then that maybe a brisk walk with Rufus, the pup, would suffice (again, wouldn’t). And finally, as I was walking to the gym, that maybe I should just skip the strength training and do some cardio instead so I could follow the Mon-Wed-Fri schedule that’s in the book that I’m using (shut up, Brain! You always say that and we never start!) But I had a plan! A list if you will. And I do love me a list.

So I did my first focused strength training session in months. And I am soooo sore right now.

But, I also feel great, and have been in a great mood all morning.

Foodwise, I also had a plan. Which stumbled in the face of cupcakes (many!! In so many flavors!!) I am only so strong, so I had one. However, I’ve already included it in my nutritional tally (thanks Daily Plate!), and am still in good standing.

Other than the cupcake, I also ate breakfast!! I know!! And, again, the damn overused advice may prove correct as I’ve felt really great all morning.

So here’s the tally. Exercise: good. Food: mostly good (and hope is not lost!). Pants: tight (which instead of depressing me completely, is sorta motivating me. Although still depressing me a little).

So what is it that I'm doing now?

2009-08-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

Right. So, I’ve read many of the books published by the fitness gurus of the interwebs, and have sort of put together a plan that pulls from a bunch of them (not too difficult since there are repeating schools of thought).

I’m going to follow the strength training plan and progression from The New Rules of Lifting for Women. I’m trying to incorporate some of the views on affirmations and goal setting from Turbulence Training. And I’m going to use a whole combo of books for nutrition, but much will be pulled from the Fat Loss Troubleshoot.

More than anything, I’m not going to be too rigid. I’m a type A personality, an all-or-nothing girl, so when things slip even a little, I throw in the towel because I’m off plan. So my “plan” is going to allow A LOT of flexibility.

I’m also going to go ninety days. One would think that that’s a fairly short time, but for me, it’s a little intimidating. So I’ve broken it into 14 day chunks for now, and then into day-by-day pieces, and I’m going to try to look at just one day at a time.

Should I....?

2009-08-28T08:53:00.001-07:00

So I’m trying something new. Something that will be a tool to motivate me and provide guidelines for success. I’m feeling very excited and positive about this.

However, I’ve been here before. I am completely stereotypical in my complete love of a new plan, snuggling up to it like the smitten honeymooner that I am. But soon the plan starts to demand my time when all I want to do is be lazy. Soon I start to resent the plan and maybe even start to flirt with other plans. Next thing you know, I’m done, leaving my once adored plan out in the cold wondering where it all went wrong.

Depressing? In some ways. However, one could also consider look at it as an optimist (one could also look at it as a Cathy cartoon… shut up, one!)

I’ve been trying to decide whether I want to document it on this blog, or to scrap it and start another. However, given that I do this mostly for myself, it seems a little silly.

New low (high?)

2009-08-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

The whole challenge thing obviously went out the window. Work involved travel, there were a slew of weddings, cabin parties with friends and life in general happened. I've also been experiencing A LOT of stress, and all the sleep issues and emotional eating associated with that.

What does that mean? I'm at the highest weight that I've been since my knee injury, at 155.2 lbs as of this morning.

Given that my "happy weight" is 130 - 135 lbs, and my "moderately comfortable weight" is 140 - 145 lbs I am less than pleased. So it's time to get back to it, to knuckle under, to get my eating under control and start working out regularly again.

Plans are in the works, but I've started and failed so many times on this blog that I hesitate to put it in words quite yet.

Going outside to play (and week 2 of challenge)

2009-07-09T10:58:00.001-07:00

So week two, and I’m definitely dropping in poundage. There’s this weird sense of relief when I start getting back into my comfortable zone… I know that my clothes will fit and I won’t feel uncomfortable. And I’m still feeling happy with my food, which makes life easy for me. The difficulty always arises when my mind turns to sweets, and I start having my emotions getting all mixed up with cravings.

This week’s challenge is to incorporate outdoor activity into one’s life. This one’s a no brainer, since I’ve already fully embraced the great outdoors. I put my gym membership on hold in April, and haven’t looked back too much.

I do an outdoors bootcamp twice a week, in the early morning, before work. I participated in this bootcamp pre-Christmas last year and liked it, but it was indoors which limited some of the variety. Being outdoors is definitely far more interesting (and usually challenging!) The instructor makes excellent use of the surrounding and we haven’t really repeated a workout yet.

I also play flag football, and am actually participating in two leagues, one women and one co-ed. This means that I play at least twice a week I’m running around outside and maybe have a couple of practices thrown in as well. They’re both rec leagues, and not too competitive, so if there’s an evening where I feel the need to take it a bit easier, no one minds.

Starting in a couple of weeks I’ll also be playing co-ed softball with the co-ed flag team. That should be interesting given that I haven’t played softball since junior high. But the people on our team are so great, I don’t think I’ll be too stressed even I turn out to be terrible.

And finally, I’ve been taking my pup for more walks. I’m trying to meet up with my Mom for some of these, as it gets her active, but it also gives us a chance to catch up. And the pup definitely loves it. It’s funny; he’s a fifteen pound miniature poodle so you would think that he would limit the distance. But we’ve gone over 10 K without him having any problems, and I’m pretty sure that could even be extended.

There’s also a workout that we’ve been asked to try each week. This week’s is a tricep blitz. I did it last night, and can definitely feel my arms today.

Turkey Burger

2009-07-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

So aside from the whole losing weight thing, this 15 Week Challenge includes little mini-assignments (if you want). This week’s is to health-ify a recipe.

Now while I’m not a fancy cook, it’s mostly because I’m kinda lazy. However, I can cook elaborate meals and have a pretty good palette. For the most part I don’t take an existing food and try to make it healthy. I find it’s either a poor substitute, or it’s not much healthier than the original (I’m thinking of most baked goods I’ve tried this with). I do have a repertoire of fairly healthy dishes, which both Nick (who is VERY picky) and I enjoy.

One which appears regularly, which is a healthified recipe, is turkey burgers or turkey meatballs. I don’t eat red meat at all, originally due to an effort to minimize my carbon footprint, and now because it makes me queasy. Nick just embraced it, and while he still relishes the occasional fast food burger, he’s never really complained.

I buy ground turkey when it’s on sale and freeze a ton of it, thawing it as necessary. To make the burgers I use about 600g (or about a pound and a half) of turkey. I add about ¼ c of oats whizzed through the blender (about flour consistency or a bit lumpier),1 egg and some salt, and mix the whole mess.

Then I start adding spices. These will vary with the meal. Sometimes a tex-mex theme, with chili, garlic, and peppers. Sometimes Indian, with onion and curry powder. Sometimes basil and sundried tomatoes. Sometimes shredded cheddar and savory. You get the idea. I use the burgers/meatballs as a base for whatever I want out of it, and it’s pretty hard to go wrong. You can even add some vegetables (like frozen spinach), but err on the side of too little otherwise the burgers won’t hold together.

You then form them into whatever shape you want, and then sauté them in a non-stick pan or on the barbeque (if burgers, obviously).

As for serving them, the burgers are pretty intuitive. For the meatballs, we’ve had them over pasta, in pita bread with hummus, in a stir-fry, or on their own with some dipping sauce.

The nutritional info changes for this depending on the proportions of the main ingredients and the add-ins, but I’ve worked them out in the past (using extra lean turkey) to: 150cal, 2g fat, 5g carb (with about 0.5g fiber), 27g protein.

Still here. Again.

2009-07-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

So I didn’t actually disappear from the interwebs. I’ve just been feeling really unmotivated the past few months. Life has continued to putter along, and I’ve kept pace just fine. I still occasionally struggle with how I feel about my physical self, but most of the time it’s not in the front of my mind. I haven’t lost weight. But I did go to L.A. and had a great time. I’ve gone to parties and barbeques all at this weight and size, and enjoyed them all.

However, I do still get frustrated by times, and those times can put an unfortunate slant on a social occasion. Those times when I spend an hour trying to find an outfit in which I feel attractive (and never succeed), it does but a damper on my confidence. Not in a huge way, but I know the difference.

So, I’m going to keep on trying to drop the weight. The ten extra pounds I carried in ’08 has upscaled to fifteen. I definitely don’t want that trend, an additional five pounds a year, to continue through my thirties.

Aside from keeping my activity level up (still wearing the pedometer, playing sports, getting up at omigod o’clock to run), and trying to eat well (lower carbs, especially refined ones, trying not to binge), I’m doing Amy’s Quest to Skinny 15 Week Challenge. I just want some sort of check in system. I don’t want to start slipping backwards and abandon this, though. Posting weekly to her for the full fifteen weeks will be an accomplishment in itself.

So, there’s that.

My new passion (maybe)

2009-04-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

Note: neither of these ladies is me. However, I just wanted to show two women in jiu-jitsu who weren't wrestling in bikinis (google, you make me sad sometimes...)

So the high of a couple of days ago was apparently bloat, ‘cause I’m back down to 151.6. That means that I’ve dropped a couple of pounds since last week, and so am feeling a little bit better about myself. As of right now, I should be able to get back to my baseline weight of 145 lbs by my trip to LA in three weeks, assuming that I can lose the prescribed healthy weight of 2 lbs per week.

I’m really frustrated with myself, though. Time and time again I let my emotions drive my eating habits. Aside from my vanity being affected when my pants start getting too tight, a swing of 10 lbs in a month can have a detrimental effect on my health.

I’m still feeling a little lost in terms of my activity. No football this summer for the first time in years has left me feeling like I’m cut adrift. I’ve been getting more into jiu-jitsu, but the gym where I’ve been training is MMA oriented (Mixed Martial Arts, like the UFC). That means that it is VERY heavy on the testosterone. Usually I feel like I can hold my own in such situations, but the machismo is pretty extreme, and most of the guys don’t even talk to me. So although I really enjoy it, it’s really hard to get the same feeling of being part of a group that I would get from football.

There is one other woman that attends, and she and I have become sort of buddies, or at least regular training partners. However, she doesn’t have the same problem with being snubbed because she is best friends with our instructor and has worked with several of the other “alpha” guys (this is how she got into the sport). So when it comes to partner up, they have no problem grappling with her even though they’re much more advanced. They offer hints, and are very patient. Such is not the case with me. If they do agree to work with me, then I often feel that they are frustrated with my inferior skills. Or maybe I’m just paranoid.

Long and short, the discomfort, paranoia induced or not, means that I often am less than motivated to attend class. And on days when my training buddy is not going to make it, I’m even less inclined to go. Like today.

Aside from the above, the location and the timing of classes makes getting to the studio an effort. So, my motivation has to be even higher to overcome that.

Le sigh. I would like to advance in this sport, I really would, but the roadblocks in my way (many of my own making), are making it seriously hard.

Also....

2009-04-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

Aside from this looming trip, I have three other upcoming events in the short term and the medium term.

Shortly after I get from LA, I have a circus show that I’ll be performing in. And aside from this show being performed in front of some friends and family, it also serves as an audition to do some bigger performances. To be successful I have to be strong, and lean as possible given that I’m holding up my own body weight for much of the show. I would also like to look good in the very unforgiving costumes that are worn

I also would like to compete in some bjj competitions. Again, I obviously have to be fit to be successful in this, but again, I need to be leaner – there’s a good chance that I’ll be competing against men, and if I’m 150lbs, 28% body fat rolling with someone 150lbs, 10% body fat, I’m going to be at a serious disadvantage.

And finally, I have a purely vain motive as well. My aunt is getting married the first week of August and it’s going to be a huge family get-together. I would very much like to be svelte and slim for this as my aunts, wonderful ladies though they are, are VERY judgmental and I don’t want to give them any ammunition.

Eff

2009-04-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

I’m still binge eating, still not sleeping anywhere near enough (which of course makes for some crazy carb cravings), and am just generally a mess.

I stepped on the scale this morning and clocked in at 158.

I hope that there’s some sort of weird hormonal or sodium bloating thing going on, but I’m a-scared. I also feel so unattractive. Many of my clothes aren’t fitting and I just feel tired and weak.

I know that I can turn this around. My weight has always been tied in with my emotions, and I’ve been very emotionally volatile lately. However, I have my first vacation in several years at the end of May. I’m going with a girlfriend to LA, the land of sun and skinny, and I had hoped when I booked the trip a couple of months ago that I would slim out a little beforehand. Now, with a little under four weeks we leave, I’m just hoping to get back to my “normal weight” something like 145. Whether that’s actually possible, I don’t know, and I'm a little worried that I'm setting myself up for failure by setting deadlines.

I have been doing much better with exercising. It’s the perpetual overeating that’s packing on the pounds. I’ll also admit to a lack of motivation to some of my extra activities. For example, I skipped out on an opportunity to go into the jiu-jitsu studio on Sunday for no reason other than I felt overwhelmed about the effort required to get there.

Anyway, I have no more room for error if I want to have any hope of fitting into my summer clothes when we go to LA. If I can even lose 10 lbs I think I can prevent much of my potential discomfort while I’m there.

Revival (take 451,594)

2009-04-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

I have had a crap-tastic two months.

I was trying to get the women’s tackle football league up and running, and failed due to lack of commitment and interest. That means that I won’t be playing tackle football this summer, which is something that I sorta feel like I should be able to take in stride, but I haven’t. I’ve defined myself by this for a long time, and now it’s gone.

I’ve also been having a rough go of it with Nick. I have serious concerns about our long term compatibility. I don’t know if it’s something we could talk through or not, but I guess I won’t know, because Nick won’t. To his mind we are meant to be together, point finale. And while a part of me is touched by his unwavering faith in our relationship, another part of me wants more that what he seems to be offering. It's scary because sometimes I wonder if I stay with him because it’s just easier than dealing with selling the house and fighting over who gets the dog.

Struggling with my relationship with Nick has highlighted how neglectful I’ve been of many other relationships with friends. I feel lonely and isolated, and sometimes just a little bit crazy.

And how have I dealt with all this? Um, not well. I haven’t been sleeping well and my nails are bitten to nubs. I've been watching too much television, and procrastinating on things at home. And I’ve been eating. I’m not just talking about the occasional indulgence here and there. I’ve gone entire days where nothing of nutritional substance passes my lips, where I eat only candy and pastries.

To make matters worse, my motivation to work out has severely declined, partly due to my mild depression and partly because my end goal of being football-fit is sort of moot when there’s no football.

So here I am, reviving my wanning motivation and fitness and everything, again. I hired a trainer who will meet with me twice a week for the next month. I’ve also tracked my food in the Daily Plate for the first time since February (although, in the spirit of full disclosure, one of my entries was a lemon square). And I weighed myself for the first time in almost two months this morning.

154lbs.

Dammit.

I can’t do anything more about football for this season, and because of restrictions with the association from which we rent gear, we’re limited to the late spring/early summer season. So time to move on till next season. Nick feels that things will work out, and I’ve agreed to stay another few months. Given that I’ve already agreed, there’s no pointing fretting over the matter further. I have to wait and see what Nick does. So in a sense, it’s also out of my control.

But I can lose the 10 pounds I gained, dammit. And I can lose the other 10 pounds that I’ve been carrying around since my knee injury three years ago. I figure if I pour all my angst into this endeavor I should kick those 20 lbs ass. I can feel healthier and more confident.

Rough week

2009-02-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

Nick and I have had a rough week. Or rather I have, while Nick doesn’t seem to realize that the spat that we had last Saturday morning, during which petty, nasty things were said, is still lingering and I’m still rolling the implication of some of those petty, nasty things over in my head.

All I’ve wanted to do is eat. I’m an emotional eater, with binge tendencies. How is someone who prides herself on being rational and practical also an emotional eater? Dunno. And yet.

I don’t have complete control over this, and I usually just try and keep the binge to a minimum. Last night it was oatmeal and brown sugar, and a few Peeps. Today it was some chocolate. I didn’t eat an unusual amount, but I ate in a sort of desperation, trying to dull my feelings of anxiety that stem from my relationship woes.

If I can stick to my plan for the rest of the day/evening then I’ll consider that a win.

Happy Dance!!

2009-02-09T12:10:00.001-08:00

After maintaining the same weight for several weeks, I took a step back from the scale. I had been weighing myself daily and the frustration of not seeing any progress was starting to undermine my motivation. So I decided to go back to weighing only once a week, either Saturday or Sunday.

I stepped on the scale on Saturday. I lost almost 4 pounds.

So I weigh 146.6lb, which means I met my five pound loss goal (as suggested by the BDS) of 147lb, and now I can set a NEW five pound goal to reach 142lb.

And aside from my slow slog through the BDS, I’m still trying to keep my resolutions in mind. Here’s a brief summary of how I’m doing;

Hitting my target:
2. Eating breakfast
3. Tracking food
5. No more daily coffee (I still have some on weekends, but that’s it)
7. Push during training once a week
9. Weigh and record once a week.

Fulfilling in Spirit:
4. Eat protein at every meal – while I’m eating more protein, I still need to up my consumption
6. 10 hours of activity per week – I haven’t hit that yet, but I’m taking longer walks with the pooch, and getting in more activity regularly

Ooops…
1. Remind myself of resolutions (and practice BDS) daily – it’s been sporadic at best and I know that the BDS works best if I read my response cards and work the program daily
8. Work on pull-ups twice a week – I’ve had a couple of strenuous weeks physically, so haven’t really worked the pull-ups… actually I kinda forgot to work the pull-ups (hence the need for #1). However, this reminded me of my goal, so I’ll be back at them tonight
10. Ongoing list for housework and work tasks – I need to update this and check it regularly, otherwise I become too complacent

BDS - Day 7

2009-02-06T12:01:00.001-08:00

#7 – Arrange your environment

This is advice provided by every magazine and diet advocate, but it definitely helps. The basic premise is that if it isn’t in the house then you likely won’t make the trip to the store to go get it. I am a semi-reformed Binge Eater (linked with depression, both now controlled med-free). I still have some tendencies to binge and not having things in the house or in my office has helped me a great deal (although I used to go for a car-rise to buy things at my worst).

However, I know live with my partner, and his food purchases have contributed to my slow gain since we moved in together. See, he has no emotional connection with food, so he can buy a tub of ice cream and let it collect frost after one bowlful. I’m at a point where I can do that sometimes or even most of the time, but in those times where I’m feeling something ugly if there’s any of my trigger foods around it will have a very short life span.

This can even include those things that I can combine to make into a trigger food. I’ve only recently been able to keep sugar in my house, and even then I buy small amounts from the bulk store. I’ve has a few mini-binges that have required me throwing the remnants of a bag into the compost to stop myself.

So, for me arranging my environment is not just a little step, it’s been essential in the past and not having sole control has been causing me difficulty for the past year and a half. But Nick’s wii fit slap down has prompted him to eat better and he’s stopped buying a lot of the junk he used to keep around.

Things that I’ve done to arrange my environment:
- Easy to munch on foods (i.e. nuts, cereal) are on the highest shelf in the kitchen so they catch my eye, making me grab a handful.
- I’ve minimized the tempting foods that are brought into the house.
- Food brought into the office by co-workers is rare, and if I just wait it out it usually is gone in a fairly short amount of time.
- I’ve announced to Nick my intention lose weight, and that I’m going to be eating healthier.

The last point is another part of this step; announce that you’re dieting, and this is the go-to reason why you don’t want certain foods around. This is the only step that has prompted a Sabotaging Thought;

Sabotaging Thought: “I’m embarrassed to tell people that I’m dieting.”
Response: “Why? The worst that can happen is that I don’t lose weight and they’re mildly critical. On the other hand, by giving a definitive answer I’ve closed the door to more pushing.”

I don’t know why I hate saying, “I’m dieting” or even, “I’m watching what I eat” or whatever. I think it’s because I don’t want to admit that I’m not 100% happy with myself, as it would be a sign of less confidence. I don’t know the reason, but I’ve overcome it at least with Nick and my Mom this time around.

Still trudgin' along...

2009-02-06T05:33:00.000-08:00

(This is a fairly accurate representation of the conditions here right now... my poor miniature poodle is regularly over his head.)

After last week I have had a decided rebound. It took a couple of days, granted, but by Wednesday I was back to tracking my food and being active.

I think a couple of things saved me; 1.) it’s hard to slack off on my activities… I’m enrolled in several classes so that forces me out of the house, and the dog needs close to an hour of exercise a day to stay sane (more if possible) and I love my doggie, so my half of the walking duties means half an hour a day in all but the worst weather. And 2.) I kept up at least somewhat with the tasks in BDS.

After a quick start, I’ve been in a holding pattern around 25-27. I still plan to outline these , but in brief these work on teaching you to recognize your sabotaging thoughts, then recognize that they’re one of nine thinking mistakes, and then question those thinking mistakes to demonstrate their fallacy. I actually have the BDS on my iPod right now so I’ve been listening this section again and again.

In any case, I’m back to feeling in control, which is half the battle for me. I’ve also employed a new strategy into my diet. I was eating about 1,600 calories a day, but was having a hard time on days when I was more active. What I’m doing now is zig-zagging my calories, and hitting the high days on my days when I’ve got more on the go.

What it looks like:
- Monday – 1,500
- Tuesday (when I’ve got bootcamp) – 1,800
- Wednesday – 1,500
- Thursday (BC again) – 1,800
- Friday – 1,500
- Saturday – 1,800
- Sunday (which tends to be my rest day) – 1,400

This isn’t exactly how it’s broken down, but it’s pretty close. Basically, I’m trying to provide more fuel on the days where I’m more active, and on Saturday when I often want a bit more wiggle room so I can go to a restaurant or whatever. Depending on my social plans, sometimes Saturday is a low day and then I make Sunday the higher day (like this past Super Bowl weekend).

I know that this isn’t anything new, but I’ve never been consistent enough with tracking to be able to do this. I have to say that it really helps to provide me with energy, but also to allow for some more caloric indulgences.

Slipping

2009-01-26T12:20:00.000-08:00

So, I’m still following the BDS. But I’ve been slipping. Yesterday was a bit of a gong show and then today I had two cookies.

I know that these are not horrific confessions of sin. But after almost two weeks of sticking faithfully to a moderate calorie, nutritionally balanced plan, I feel that two days of being off-kilter is worth noting, if for not other reason than I would like to prevent it from spreading to two weeks off-kilter.

I could spout some yadda-yadda about how the weekend had some stresses (a banquet that Nick’s ex was also attending, a woman who broke us up once before, and Nick’s sister and my dear friend had a terrible fight with her boyfriend and wound up staying with us and crying…), but I think that they were the catalysts for the reaction that was already set to go off (have I mentioned before that I’m a chemical engineer?)

I’m feeling blue because I’ve been working out 5 days a week, and have been sticking to my calories and avoiding all nutrient lacking foods, and I haven’t lost anything. In fact, I’ve gone up half a pound.

I know that this is not reason to throw in the towel, but I’ve never hit a plateau this early on, especially when I’m hitting all my targets. The only logical thing I can think of is that my muscles are retaining water because I’ve only just got back into my strength training program.

Reasons why I shouldn’t give up include that I’ve been feeling stronger, and that my stomach seems flatter. I am in fact wearing a pair of dress pants that I couldn’t fit into in November and in December I could only wear REALLY forgiving tops with. While I’m still not entirely muffin-free in these pants, it’s small enough that I can wear pretty much all but the tightest of tops.

I’m re-reading my reasons for wanting to lose weight (BDS Day 1) and am giving myself credit for ending this slide downwards right now, while the damage is essentially non-existent. I ate more than I should have yesterday, but the damage has been worse in the past. And today I had tow cookies in my otherwise healthy day. I’ll try to make choices tonight that reduce the impact, but I won’t deprive myself unreasonably because punishing myself will only foster resentment.

Tomorrow I'll continue posting about the Beck Diet Solution.

BDS - Day 6

2009-01-22T11:54:00.000-08:00

#6 – Find a Coach

The role of a coach in this case to motivate, help solve problems, build self-confidence, and provide perspective and accountability.

I have people in my life who provide these things for me, providing in essence a coaching staff that provide support.

However, the BDS recommends asking someone to make a commitment to fill that role. And I haven’t done that.

The Good; I’m not hiding that I’m on a diet from people in my life, which is something I usually do. In fact, I told Nick for the first time that I’m not happy with my weight and that I’m trying to lose. This was helped by the recent purchase of the wii fit, which weighs you and puts your BMI on the screen, as well as how much you’ve lost (or gained) since your first weigh-in. I also participate in two different boot camps; one is for football conditioning specifically and has a 6-week challenge that started two days ago that I joined (winner gets to donate to charity of choice, plus the bragging rights), and the other is a women only early morning class and goes for 4-weeks with before and after measurements etc. tracked (I did the "before" last night). So both women who run these are tracking my weight and measurements. Plus, there’s always my super-supportive Mom.

So a solid support system, right?

The Bad; while all those listed will motivate blah blah blah, none will offer the constructive criticism that I know I need sometimes. And I’m not going to call up any of them when a chocolate cake is singing a siren song, which is suggested. Nor will I be having weekly meetings to sit down and talk about my weight one-on-one.

The only place where I’m completely honest about how I feel about weight loss is here on this anonymous blog. I would never, NEVER admit that I have moments where I lack confidence or don’t feel like I’m in control or any of the other things that I listed in Step #1. I just don’t. Or I will, but then will make light of it and immediately brush it off.

So, while I’ve fulfilled the criteria for a coach in word, I don’t think I really have addressed the ratoinale behind this step. That makes me nervous as it’s the only step that I’ve really flouted. But I’m almost two weeks in and am sticking to everything else, so we’ll see how it goes.

The back up plan I have, eDiets, does have a coach provided, so if I start to waiver too much than I’ll go to plan B.

BDS - Day 5

2009-01-22T07:30:00.000-08:00

#5 – Eat Slowly and Mindfully

Um… I suck at this. No, really, I’m just terrible.

I understand the reason this is important; to allow you to fully appreciate and savor each bite, maximizing the eating experience and providing satiation. Eating slowly also allows you time to recognize that you’re full. Got it.

But I live in a household where my partner has no interest in sitting down to eat at the table. He even hates eating in a restaurant. And I get bored by myself, which almost makes me want to eat faster or more.

I also have an overfilled schedule. Today I left the house at 7:45am, and won’t be getting home till about 9:15pm. I don’t have much time for books or television or whatever, especially when I’m trying to increase my sleep by going to bed earlier. So I read or, less often, watch television with Nick while I eat. At work, I usually work through lunch so that I can leave on time.

I know! I’m a total dieting bad-girl!!!

Usually the suggestion techniques or the sabotaging thought/responses of the BDS are very effective, but none in this case speak to me at all, at least those that apply to mindful eating.

Here’s my compromise which works about 80% of the time now and I’m working on getting better. I eat while sitting down most of the time (the exception is when I’m driving to a workout and eating a healthy snack on route), but I still eat while doing something else like reading. But in between bites I put my fork down. And with every bite, I stop reading and try to focus on the food and how much I enjoy its taste and texture. I realize that it’s not perfect, but I feel that it fulfills the motivation behind this step in that I have slowed down my eating and I do enjoy the food more.

BDS - Day 4

2009-01-21T07:41:00.001-08:00

#4 – Give Yourself Credit

This is to counteract the inner critic that can undermine your good intentions. (And given that this is very much me, I’m switching pronouns…) When I “fail” and eat something I didn’t intend to eat, I usually start berating myself. This can lead me to binge or at least continue to eat whatever I want for the rest of the day (cake for lunch? Sure! Better have a brownie chaser, in case I get hungry, and maybe some Mike & Ike’s…).

What the BDS advocates is to instead view it as a minor slip up, and to just think about how to deal with the problem the next time it arises. It further recommends giving credit for what I did right.

Example (based on one in the book, but adapted to me):
Someone brings in candy to work, and I have one;

Previous Loey: “Ugh, I have zero control. I’m so weak.” Etc. until I’ve convinced myself that I really have no self-control and I may as well take a walk down to the bakery in our office building.

New (and improved) Loey: “So I had a candy. At least I resisted the first couple of times I walked by. And I only had one, so I didn’t affect my plan for the day overall. Maybe next time I’ll make some tea or wait till everyone else finishes off the candy and that way I can avoid temptation.” By not being critical I don’t beat myself down, and can avoid further indulgences through the day.

It’s also recommended to congratulation oneself on an ongoing basis throughout the day. This sounds hokey, but I’ve been doing so every time I eat a healthy meal or snack, or when I’m walking or doing some sort of activity. And I really consciously think about how I’m doing positive things for my body and working toward my goal.

The final recommendation is one that I’ve been doing for a while; have a credit fund, where you drop a coin or a buck into a bank or whatever when you do a positive action.

My credit fund (which has been funded by my non-coffee habit, which used to cost about $3/day) includes;
$1 for every day I stick to my diet plan
$1 for every day I exercise in a planned activity (i.e. gym visit, jiu-jitsu)
$1 for every day my pedometer hits 10,000 (which accounts for my unplanned activity, like walks, or taking the stairs)

I don’t know what I'll spend my credit fund on, but I keep hoping for an opportunity to travel (my trip to L.A. fell through), and plan on spending it on something fancy while doing so (some clothes, a live show, a side trip that I'd normally consider too expensive...)

BDS - Day 3

2009-01-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

#3 Eat only while sitting down.

This one is hard for me. I regularly shove food in my mouth while in transit, or eat while I’m getting ready to go out and face the day. I also, unfortunately grab a couple of crackers or a handful of nuts while I’m chatting with Nick in the kitchen, nibble as I’m preparing food, and I certainly never say no to a Sample Lady.

But all the tastes and nibbles don’t register with my tummy and so they’re on top of what I’m eating for meals and snacks. These little bites also tend to consist of foods that I normally wouldn’t eat because they don’t rate high enough on the Is-It-Worth-It scale (this where I evaluate the tastiness of a food versus its health value… chips which I’m so-so about? Not worth it. Brownies which I’d sell my first born for? Worth it…)

By sitting down each and every time I eat, I’m becoming more conscious of the fact that I am eating. This may seem ridiculous to some, but I’ve literally been unable to recall everything I’ve eaten over the course of an evening a couple of hours afterwards because I lack that consciousness.

I have to learn to stop grazing and, as my mother calls it, picking.

I still need to eat in my car sometimes (I leave jiu-jitsu and drive straight to a Boot Camp workout, and need to eat something), but given that I’ve never been prone to drive-through fast food eating, this isn’t too much of an issue. As long as my pre-workout snack is on plan, I think it’s okay to eat in the car.

Sabotaging thought: “I enjoy spontaneous munching.”
Response: “I need to sit down, otherwise I don’t seem to notice what I eat and tend to either overeat or eat off-plan.”

Sabotaging thought: “I’ll just write it down later.”
Response: “I’ve said that in the past and then just not bothered. If I want to succeed, then I must learn to sit down and enjoy my food.”

******************************************

So like I mentionned, I'm already past this day, but have been practicing the technique. Overall, it's definitely helped me and I feel like I'm becoming more aware of what I'm eating. I do struggle when I'm in a rush, but am actively working towards sitting down everytime I eat.

BDS - Day 2

2009-01-19T09:57:00.000-08:00

#2 Choose two sensible diets (i.e. ones that can be followed for the long term).

I actually spent considerable time thinking about this one.

I’ve tried MANY diets, and am pretty knowledgeable about the ones that don’t work for me. High protein and I’m going crazy craving any and all carbs, and I eventually succumb in an embarrassing binge. Weight Watchers I wind up eating unhealthy choices that just happen to be one or zero point foods. Plus I love eating nuts and nut butters and those foods are hard to fit in. Too low calorie and I wind up binging. Too low protein and I feel tired.

The Zone macro ratio (40-30-30) leaves me the most satiated. I’ve also recently read The Fat Loss Troubleshoot (FLTS), which breaks things down very specifically. The author, Leigh Peele, also advocates what is essentially the Zone breakdown (although she does vary some weeks), but also gives several formulae to determine how many calories you should be eating daily based on your activity through the day (plus there’s a test to help you avoid lying to yourself about your activity level). So I’m using these guidelines, but making my own choices right now. I’m tracking everything on The Daily Plate (TDP) to try and get my macronutrient ration and calories right. Calories, check. Macros, erg (but improving….)

Diet number two is the back-up plan. The idea is that people feel more security if they know a Plan B is in place, and I know that such is the case for me.

For number two, I used the same principle as to what kind of plan leaves me satisfied, but decided that I may have to look into what options exist that spell out a set meal plan for me. I had read about eDiets in several magazines, and checked it out. For weekly fee of up to $10 (less if I catch one of their often run specials), I get a weekly food plan emailed to me. I would choose the Eating For Life Plan (which is modeled after the Body For Life Plan).

So, to recap, current plan is FLTS (set calories, Zone ratios, choose my own food, no additional costs), and my back-up plan is eDiets Eating For Life (set calories, Zone-ish ratios, less food choice, $10/wk).

The final part of this day is determining my potential sabotaging thoughts and responses to quell them.

Sabotaging Thought: “I’ve got an event coming up. I’m going to go on fad diet X or take pill Y to drop some fast pounds.”
Response: “I want to be healthy, and neither of those promotes being healthy. I need something that works for the long term. Besides, none of the “quick fixes” have worked for me in the past.”

Sabotaging Thought: “I’m going to skip breakfast and save my calories for later in the day.”
Response: “I’ve been fighting this weight for almost TWO YEARS, and skipping breakfast most of the time. It’s obviously not helping so I should try something else.”

******************************************************

Edited to Add:

Cave Cooking in the comments mentioned the Paleo diet, and while I didn’t get into it, any diet that restricts certain foods make me crave those foods. I’ve successfully done anti-inflammatory diets for about two weeks, and I always feel great and want to stick to it, but in the end I always still feeling resentful and cave.

The Beck Diet Solution - Day 1

2009-01-19T07:29:00.000-08:00

In other news, after reading rave recommendations from both Charlotte at The Great Fitness Experiment and from Crabby at Cranky Fitness, I decided to take a peek at The Beck Diet Solution (BDS) in an attempt to answer the question What the Hell???

You see, I’m pretty smart, with multiple degrees, and I’m a science geek that reads voraciously. Being a DINK (Duel-Income-No-Kids), I’m able to employ people to teach me even more about diet and physical activity. At this point, I consider myself VERY knowledgeable about fitness and nutrition. And yet, I struggle, particularly with my diet, and am constantly sabotaging myself.

The BDS works to break the cycle of sabotage, by providing you with strategies to deal with sabotaging thoughts. It also helps you break down the steps of preparing for the process of dieting into manageable pieces. In fact, it recommends that you don’t even start the diet until you have gone through two weeks of preparation, although if you were already in the process of eating differently, you don’t have to stop.

I had already tried to modify my eating habits, but am trying to follow the BDS day-by-day plan, and I just realized today that perhaps I should be recording here to help me with my accountability.

#1 Determine the reasons you want to lose weight and record them somewhere to read several times a day.

I wrote everything down. It included those vain and trivial reasons that I don’t like to admit, and I broke it down into all the little things that cross through my head.

Here’s a summary (as I seem to have repeated myself somewhat);
- to stop feeling inadequate,
- to feel more in control,
- to stop making getting dressed or going shopping a stressful experience, and to make it fun,
- to feel more confident and sexy (especially in the summer),
- to feel comfortable at the beach,
- to feel stronger, and have better muscle definition,
- to be able to more easily lift my own weight,
- to learn how to control my blood sugar.

Having written it all down, I read it through several times everyday and when I’m feeling tempted to abandon my goals. I’ve been finding now that I can almost picture the page in my little notebook (that I’ve been carrying with me everywhere) and even that’s been enough.

Like on Saturday night, we were at a pub. I was driving, so I could stick with diet soda and water, no problem, but the array of pub appetizers that everyone else was enjoying was dizzying. But every time I found myself wanting a nacho or a deep-fried potato skin I pictured my goal page in my head. And it worked!!!!

I’m already about 10 steps in (having rushed through a few days), so I’m going to be playing a bit of catch-up in upcoming posts.

Check-in

2009-01-19T06:50:00.000-08:00

The past couple of weeks have been crazy busy for me, but I haven’t forgotten about my goals for this year, and am currently pretty pleased with how I’m doing.

1. Check in on resolutions everyday.
Well, I’ve checked regularly, but not every day. However, I have fulfilled the intent of this resolution, which was to keep my goals in sight.
PASS

2. Eat breakfast everyday.
It’s a work in progress, but I’m eating breakfast almost everyday now.
(Almost) PASS

3. Track food.
So the weekend after I posted this list I fell off the wagon in a big way. It started insidiously enough, with some bulk snacks bought and eaten with a girlfriend Saturday afternoon, but they were healthy and I planned to track them later when I had a chance. But, before I got the chance, we two, her boyfriend and Nick went out to a sushi dinner and then just hung out for a while. During which time the boys wanted more snacks. Then Sunday was a snowstorm and my plan was off and I just abandoned ship for reasons that don’t really make sense to me anymore…
However, on Monday I attempted to track again, and while I didn’t do so for the evening, I did on Tuesday and everyday since.
So, FAIL, but with steady improvement.

4. Eat protein at every meal.
Getting better at doing this, but my macro-nutrient break down is still way too carb loaded.
FAIL, but improving.

5. Drop the daily coffee.
I have not had coffee on a weekday since the start of the new year. I’m having a cup or two a day on Saturday and Sunday, but I consider this a
PASS

6. Get 10 hours a week of activity.
My intention with this was to take the dog for much longer walks and perhaps walk during my lunch hour. However, it is FREEZING outside, and has been for the past couple of weeks. So, while the number has gone up, it’s still a
FAIL

7. Push myself really hard at least once a week.
Definitely.
PASS

8. Work on pull-ups at least twice a week.
So far, still doing negatives, but I think my decent is becoming more controlled.
PASS

9. Weigh and record, at least once a week.
So far, no significant change, but I’m actually doing this, so
PASS

10. Make a list of chores and work on them slowly, but surely.
The list is still incomplete, but I’m happy with a work in progress, and I ticked off a couple of things the past two weekends.
PASS

It's that time....

2009-01-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

Resolution time!!!!

Last year I had a crazy list of resolutions, most of which were not enacted. The same areas of my life leave me feel unsatisfied; my weight, the disorder of my home, my ambivalence and lack action about my job. I made that big list last year and then never looked back, which may be where I feel down.

So my very first resolution is to look at my resolutions every week, and access where I’m making progress. I don’t expect action every week on every point, but a general movement forward.

The List

1. Check in on resolutions every day.

2. Eat breakfast everyday – I’m one of those people that every magazine article and fitness consultant rants about, a breakfast skipper. I’m not hungry most mornings (which I’ll state publically), and I tend to follow the notion that a meal skipped is calories saved (which is an inside-head thing). And while every fitness guru out there says that it’s a counterproductive notion, I guess I just keep thinking that I’m the exception. Anyway, that’s going to change, and I’ve had brekkie every morning this week.

3. Track food – this one’s a no brainer, and while I would like to be around 1400-1600 cal a day, I would be happy if I could just track consistently at this point.

4. Eat protein at every meal, and try to have some at snack time – I’m hypoglycemic, and I can start riding the blood sugar roller coaster pretty easily. One of the fastest ways for that cycle to start is by having just a simple carb (a complex carb is a bit better).

5. Drop the daily coffee – I’m still going to drink coffee, but I was having several cups a day and between the cream, sweetener and caffeine, I don’t think it was a great daily habit. It’s moving into the “sometime” list.

6. Get 10 hours of activity a week – I know that sounds like a lot, but I walk my dog for about 20 to 30 minutes a day (at least). I’m not trying to be over the top, I expect at least half to be just walking, but I do want to increase my activity.

7. Push myself really hard once a week – while I don’t want to burn out, I don’t want to be lackadaisical about my fitness, so once a week do something that leaves me sweaty and gasping.

8. Work on pulls at least twice a week – I’ve wanted to be able to do pull-ups for several years. I got a bar for Christmas, so I no longer have the excuse of feeling uncomfortable doing the wussy versions at the gym.

9. Weigh and record, at least once a week – part of the reason that I gained so much is that I would go weeks without a check in. And then when I did, I would lie and say that it was a false high. I want to be able to track.

10. Develop a list for my housework and work on just one thing a week – I figure I’ve got break it down into bite sized pieces.

Okay, so it’s still a long list, but I believe all the goals are attainable. In fact, I’ve been doing several of these actions all week. I want to re-assess this whole list once a month and potentially add-on – I don’t want to make false promises about how I’m going to push my career onto the fast track, but it’s something I want. I’m scared of biting off too much at this point, so I’m reserving the right to expand as my confidence grows.

Ugly thoughts - 0, Loey - 1

2009-01-09T06:01:00.000-08:00

For anyone who may actually read this, I defeated my inner demons and ate my healthy noshs. Just didn't want to keep anyone in suspense for too long. :)

Ugly thoughts

2009-01-08T07:54:00.000-08:00

Ugh… I’m having one of those days where I want to throw the previous five days’ hard work out the window. And it’s for the stupidest reason too… you see I’ve gotten back into the habit of stepping on the scale every morning. I don’t know if I’ll keep this up, and I probably shouldn’t but right now I am. Okay, so I’ve been slowly dropping the holiday weight, but then this morning I had a gain. Not a huge one, and I had a fair bit of salty stuff last night, and blah blah blah…

The point is, I went up, and so today I want to everything that doesn’t have spikes.

I’ve had three good days or five decent ones. I’ve started to get myself organized. I have a kitchen full of healthy and tasty food. I had a good breakfast, and packed a good lunch.

But the bakery down stairs is calling to me.

Dammit.

Attempt # 2 - The wagon may be winning

2009-01-02T10:51:00.001-08:00

Okay, so the first attempt to get back on the wagon was perhaps not entirely effective. There was a New Year’s celebration at my house (booze + Chinese take-away + on-going snacks = a very bloated Loey), and then yesterday we were snowed in and wound up picking and snacking and not moving too much (I tried to take my poor doggie, who’s about the size of a large cat, for a walk and he disappeared because the snow was too deep).

So, I gained another effing 1.5 pounds.

I know that it’s mostly water weight, I know. But it’s still so disheartening.

In any case, I’m newly inspired today.

I’ve actually entered in my data to the formulae provided by the Fat Loss Troubleshooting (FLTS) book, and determined for my current weight (sob), I should be eating about 1400 cal, which is what I typically need to eat to lose weight based on previous successes. I’m going to try and stick to that.

I went to the gym today and tracked my food choices.

Starting to feel back on track.

Back on the Wagon - How to

2008-12-31T06:39:00.000-08:00

My birthday present to myself* was the Fat Loss Troubleshoot and the Metabolic Repair Manual, which I’m forcing myself to read, not skim (as I typically do). I’m hoping that by applying some science to it, I will break through this plateau.

I’m also considering the Beck Diet Solution as it addresses the mental patterns associated with successful and unsuccessful dieting. However, I can only handle so much dry diet-talk at a time, so I think I’ll wait on that for a bit.

And of course there’s the wii fit that I got for my birthday yesterday from Nick** which told me I was at the very top of my healthy range and then bluntly encouraged me to drop some pounds. I didn’t find it offensive (although Nick was told that he’s overweight and he’s been obsessing over it ever since), and I think that it will be a good motivator aside from being a more active way to spend an evening than watching the telly.

So I’ve got a little less than four weeks before bootcamp starts up again, at which time I get assessed. I plan on at LEAST being back where I was at the end of the last camp, and hopefully somewhat ahead. So let’s say 21 days.

21 days…. and GO!

* Yeah, I buy myself a birthday present. My birthday is not much celebrated what with it’s proximity to Christmas (resulting in combo gifts) and being the day before New Year’s Eve (‘cause who wants to go to a party the night before the big party?), so I just do my own thing.

** Not a hint on his part, rather a request on mine.

Oh S***

2008-12-31T06:13:00.000-08:00

So I weighed myself this morning for the first time in almost two weeks.

And I managed to pack on 6 pounds since December 20th, beinging me back to 155.6 lbs.

Ugh.

It totally makes sense. I haven’t worked out, walked much, or really tried to manage what I’ve been shoving in my face for the past two weeks. And not only did I have all the Christmas eatin’, I also had my birthday yesterday which entailed more yummy food and a beautiful cake from one of my favorite bakery.* However, birthdays are also filled with strife and introspection, so I’m so frustrated that I’m starting this year of my life with an additional 10 pounds.

So I’m back on the proverbial wagon. Again.

Ugh.

* “One of” as in there are several bakeries that I love… are we starting to see part of the problem here?

The results are in

2008-12-16T06:52:00.000-08:00

Day 28 was on Sunday. Here are the results:

Chest: was – 35.75”, is – 35.75”
Waist: was – 30.25”, is – 28.75”
Hips: was – 41”, is – 40.25”

Wt: was – 155.8lbs, is – 150.0lbs.
Body comp.: was – 28.6%, is – 27.7%

Can I get YAY?

I was pleased with my progress. After all, almost 6 lbs is nothing to sniff at. However, when we used the body composition percentages to determine my lean body mass (LBM), it showed that I dropped by 2.2lbs. That means that of the 5.8lbs that I lost, only 3.6lbs was fat and the rest was precious muscle mass.*

For the sports and activities in which I’m involved my LBM was already low, and I really can’t afford to lose any more. In fact, the nice trainer lady said that I should really be focusing on upping it.

This is a little frustrating. I’ve got good upper body strength compared to most women, but not the muscle mass. Basically, from what I understand, what muscle I have fires really effectively which produces the strength. However, I need more of it, not just to enjoy a higher metabolism, but also to ensure that I have lots of healthy muscle as I age.

So, I guess this means more strength training, something I hadn’t been doing much of except that which was part of boot camp.

I am going to return to the classes in January as I really enjoyed them and I like the focus that they provide. The next session starts January 26th, which is just under 6 weeks. I intend to work on my own during that period to improve my stats so that my initial starting point is even better.

* In the spirit of full disclosure, feeling kinda bad about the mixed results, I proceeded to overeat upon getting home. Sigh. Two steps forward, one step back.

The Mean Reds

2008-12-11T07:24:00.001-08:00

I’ve been lax in maintaining my written accounts of my latest attempt at consistency, but fear not all! I have been doing very well in the actual consistency part. I’m on Day 25 now, and have succeeded in moving my posterior almost every single one of those days.

Food is still a struggle for me, though. I have so many triggers it’s hard to keep them all straight sometimes. The worst is when I feel hateful and apathetic, or as the darling Holly Golightly said, the Mean Reds. It’s then that I just don’t care about my goals, don’t care about living healthfully, just don’t care period. It’s at these times when I can recognize that I’m eating emotionally and just keep on going because I don’t care about the ramifications.

So, I suppose I should try and address the underlying problem with the Mean Reds. But where to start? I know a lot if it stems from my frustration with my relationship with Nick. I love him so much, and as much as he makes me crazy, he’s one of the few men I’ve met that can date me and not be steam rollered. But the qualities that allow us to work as a couple also are the ones that make me unhappy.

On a less heavy front, I haven’t been weighing myself daily, as I want to get it down to once a week (down from several emotionally wrought times a day). However, I did backslide a bit yesterday and was 150.8lbs. We’ll see what the official weigh-in day (Sunday) reveals!

Day 10 - Keepin' On

2008-11-27T06:01:00.000-08:00

I feel I need to be regular about tracking somewhere, so I here I am, although I don’t have much to say at the moment. I weighed in this morning at 150.8lbs after 10 days of trying to be diligent. This would seem like such a fantastic accomplishment, if not for the fact that I hit the same number on Saturday and then promptly fell off the rails, making the work of the past 4 days directed to correcting my foolishness.

I’ve been pretty consistent with my training. However, I did have a couple of minor binges over the weekend and on Monday night. I know their cause, a lethal combo of sadness (usually generated by a sense of unloveliness due to Nick) and restlessness. I keep going in circles about what I should do about the situation, but at least I can acknowledge its presence.

I’m going to keep on keepin’ on and will try to be more faithful in posting.

Steppin' (and day 5 and counting...)

2008-11-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

151.8 today, so slightly up. I’m working accept the fluctuations of my body and recognizing that half a pound of gain is nothing to stress about. There is a fine line to walk here, because it’s that laidback attitude that caused the 10+ pound gain of the past year. However, I do think that it’s a valid attitude when one is eating well (check), monitoring portion control (check) and exercising almost daily (and check).

I’m still struggling to move more during the day. I’m not talking about planned exercise, because I’ve gotten up for an hour of boot camp at omigod o’clock every morning for the past five days. I’m referring to the small things that tend to add up through the day like walking to someone's office rather than calling them, walking to do errands and whatnot. I really try to do what I can, taking the stairs and parking further away and all of that. And yet I’m struggling to hit 10,000 steps on my pedometer.

Why do I care? Because there are studies that show that people who have no problem maintaining their weights or who are “naturally” skinny are actually those individuals who tend to be twitchier and who just move around more in the natural course of their day.

My weight gain corresponds pretty closely to when Nick and moved in together, and I can think of three reasons why. 1. There has been more tension and I’m an emotional eater, so I’ve done the food comfort thing more than I used to. This made worse by 2. Nick’s habit of keeping snack food around, something I never did when I lived alone. If I wanted ice cream I went and bought an ice cream cone. I NEVER bought a tub of ice cream ‘cause I knew that when I was feeling emotionally frail it would call to me. And 3. I used to walk about an hour to an hour and a half a day to and from work (and maybe more to do other errands) and now I’m a commuter in a city that’s not pedestrian friendly.

I obviously need to address all three (or deal with #1 so that #2 won’t be an issue?), but #3 seems like the most manageable as it doesn’t deal with icky emotional stuff and it doesn’t require behavioral changes in Nick.

I’m going to keep working on it. Maybe I need to start braving the Canadian winters on my lunch break and go for a walk. While that’s an obvious solution, is it one that I will enact?

Day Three Check-in

2008-11-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

I was on the road all day yesterday so missed my daily check-in. I’m happy to say that there’s been an initial loss bringing me to 151.4lbs. I realize that this is water weight, reduced because my focus on whole foods correlates to less sodium, but bloat affects the fit of my clothes so I’m grateful.

I’m trying a three-pronged approach; exercise (resistance and cardio), diet and general twitchiness (that I’m monitoring by wearing my pedometer at all times except when I’m working out so I don’t double count). Each day I succeed in one of these (and success is by my own yardstick), I drop a dollar in my piggybank, so I can deposit up to $3 per day. This is my fund for a trip that I hope to take in the spring, or will just be mad money if the trip doesn’t manifest. I’m a little behind already, but I can still save about $60.

4 weeks

2008-11-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

Bonjour, mes amies!!!!

I’ve been all over the place in terms of health and weight loss over the past couple of months, but mostly I’d give myself a fail this autumn in “Taking Care of Loey 101”.

To sum up,
I recognized that my weight had increased to the point that some of my fall/winter clothes didn’t fit properly.

I made A LOT of false promises to myself to make changes.

I didn’t.

I’ve been wearing many of the same things again and again.

I’ve gained ANOTHER few pounds. No, really.

I’m very disappointed in myself. And I miss my clothes and the ability to grab anything in my closet and wear it with confidence rather than trying desperately to find a pairing of bottoms and tops that work. And I miss just being comfortable with myself.

So here I go again. I’ve signed up for a 4 week bootcamp. I realized that on-line training plans may work in the future, but right now I need some face-to-face accountability. So every weekday morning I’m attending this camp for an hour. The woman who runs it provides individual assessment at the start of camp (I went last week) in the form of weight, measurements and body composition analysis using calipers, and then the same after camp is over.

She said that I could lose 2-4% body fat by the end of camp, and more if all my ducks are in a row. So I’m lining up the duckies, and plan on taking names and kicking butt for the next 4 weeks. I’m strongly competitive, so there’s TONS of motivation in being held up as an example of fat loss.

I’m also going to try to blog regularly and post my weight weekly (ugh).

So my starting points;
Chest – 35.75”, waist – 30.25 “, hips – 41”
Weight – 157 lbs (at her place, late day, with jeans), 155.8 lbs (at home, this morning, nekkid)
Body composition – 28.6% body fat

My problem...

2008-09-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

I know my biggest obstacle; late nights and poor sleeping habits.

This is the cause of most of setbacks. I have trouble getting up and doing my workout, which means that I'm inevitably going to struggle to fit in later today (i.e. today I have a football practice with the kids’ team I coach, which means that I won’t get home till 8:30 tonight, so I will hopefully get my workout in during my lunchbreak… hopefully…). I can accept that some workouts will be missed because life gets in the way, but this scramble could have (and should have) been avoided.

Being tired makes me more prone to cravings, specifically for simple sugars and carbs, both for the sugar rush that they will bring (and of course the inevitable crash, but that doesn’t seem to be in the forefront of my mind when I’m like this), and for the comfort aspect.

I’m up late doing nothing. No, really, nothing. I can’t sleep because my head is too busy, but I’m too tired to do anything productive. And because I’m up and bored and frustrated and Nick is in bed asleep I’ve got a scenario that covers several of my food triggers. I pick and pick, mostly on healthy foods (because that’s pretty much all that’s available in the house), but it will put me over my calorie goals.

So I’m missing workouts and undermining my nutrition… no wonder I struggle with my goals. And aside from all that, there’s a wealth of information that supports a string link between good sleep practices and a healthy weight.

Now that I’ve identified this, I have to figure out what to do. The obvious answer is “just sleep more”, but that’s like saying “just eat less” to someone who’s struggled with their weight for any length of time… there’s no “just”. I’ve been on medication for my sleep problems, but they always leave me fuzzy headed in the morning, and I’m concerned about the long-term side effects. I’d really like to develop some holistic solutions.

Did I turn a corner????

2008-09-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

I don’t know. The dietician has been helpful, but I was still FAR too indulgent in sugar and simple carbs, so my behavior was in no way modified since the last post. However, two things happened that have started me down a new path;

1. Fall came early to Canada.
What does this have to do with anything? you may ask. Just wait a mo’, I answer, I’m getting to it.

2. My pants don’t fit.
No, really. See, all summer long I wore cute skirts, dresses, capris and long shorts. Some were bought this season, but even those bought last season for the most part fit. I lamented the few pairs of shorts that were tight, but for the most part I was able to blissfully ignore the fact that I had gained a few inched around my middle.

But then the weather turned, and last week was getting pretty cold. And I tried on my jeans and pants.

The horror.

I have one pair of jeans that currently fit properly, and they were ones that I stopped wearing last year because they were too baggy in the waist and bum. I have another pair that wearable as long as I’m careful about which top I pair with it because the muffin top is VERY noticeable.

And as for my dress pants that I would usually start wearing to work, I’m down to one pair.

I can’t afford to replace my wardrobe, so I realized I had to actually start walking the walk. I decided the only way to break my habits and/or addictions was to go cold turkey. So I’ve been completely off the sugar and refined carbs for almost a week mow. That includes EVERYTHING with sugar, including sauces and dressings, pre-packaged soups, all breads, everything. I’m going to aim for two, maybe three, weeks before I start introducing even a trace of sugar back into my diet.

My intention is that by that time I will have broken any physical addition to sugar and won’t be jonesin’ for a treat every couple of hours. And I will have broken the habit to do so.

Is it working? Well, I’ve been craving less junk, although I’ve been perhaps too indulgent with other things (i.e. nuts, popcorn etc.). However, I think that these were crutches of sorts, and I’m tapering off those as well. And I do feel like my belly is less bloated.

Annnnnd as motivation, I’ve jumped on Glam’s Grand Muffin Melt-Off bandwagon.

Sugar Monster!

2008-08-18T11:51:00.001-07:00

The past few days I haven’t been able to get enough sugar in me. The worst part is that I keep lying to myself about how, “this will be the last thing, once I have some ice cream/chocolate bar/licorice/scone/whatever-as-long-as-it’s-filled-with-sugar I will be SO done with sugar.”

LIAR!

Here’s a bit of perspective, Loey. You just last week spent about $300 in signing up with a dietician to help you work through your sugar cravings and achieve your goals. You received a very comprehensive plan, with more than enough food, but with some flexibility built in.

So, what the hell??!?!!? I mean, what’s going on in your weird little head that’s not allowing you to make even vaguely sensible decisions?? And aside from the caloric over-spend, have you thought about the actual monetary overspend?? ‘Cause remember, you’re currently heavily in debt??? Remember??!?!?!

I’m so irritated with myself right now. Let’s tally up the spend today;

Morning scone and cookie: $3.00
So-so lunch (both in tastiness, but also in healthiness): $15.00
Afternoon snack run: $5.00

So, 23 dollars of tummy-ache and remorse.

And the most shameful part?? That I went to two different stores to get enough sweets for my mid-afternoon binge. I haven’t done that for a long time, and I’m really upset about now that the sugar-high is fading.

This is the turning point (yes, yes, I know, for the 879th time…ugh…)

Tonight I cook some of the recipes that were suggested to have in my fridge for lunch and post-football. And I’m going to bed very early tonight.

Sa-sa-sa-Sabotage

2008-08-15T10:32:00.001-07:00

I saw a nutritionist this week, and have developed a new eating plan with him based on my goals, activities, etc. I’m feeling really good about this, and yesterday tried to get started.

Things went well, with only a few hiccoughs, until yesterday evening, when my fella’ decided we needed a treat. It was fresh foccacia (drool) with high quality extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar (droooool!). I see this as a sometimes food in the long run, but right now I’m trying to eliminate processed carbs, so this was less than welcome.

I didn’t completely resist temptation (this is one of my favorite combos EVER), but I ate only in moderation. Still I’m frustrated.

Learning process

2008-08-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

The past week I’ve learned a few things about myself.

I need carbs. If I drop to low I get so nauseated I actually potentially start throwing up. This happened both on Saturday and on Sunday, and the nausea didn’t abate until I had something with carbs (i.e. fruit, milk, cereal).
I can’t drop my calories too low and exercise without feeling dizzy. A no brainer in some ways, but my “too low” seems to be higher than other people’s “too low”.
Being in a “diet” mentality (i.e. being restrictive) will eventually make me binge.

So I’ve adjusted accordingly. I’m still worried about that effing dress, but I recognize my limits. I’m going to continue on track, but it’s a more moderate track.

Dress Quest

2008-07-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

So I’m day two into trying my damndest to fit into That Dress. So far, so crazy. I’ve gotten in some decent exercise both days. My biggest difficulty will be resisting food cravings when they sprout up, and I’ve got more triggers than a Lone Ranger conference (thank you, I’m here all week). Boredom, anxiety, sleepiness, sadness and frustration all make me want to eat. So do daily associations (i.e. I regularly snack while playing on my computer) and I’m a sucka’ for the power of suggestion (I’m a marketing guy’s wet dream; I see an ad for ice cream, I want; drive by a sushi place, I want; read about food on someone’s blog, drooooool…)

I have a couple of strategies. The biggest one in my arsenal is to get up early to hit the gym, thus forcing me to go to bed early as nighttime = snacktime. I’ve also been chewing sugar free gum and swilling gallons of tea anytime a craving kicks in.

I'm hoping to get in a lengthly walk with the puppy tonight, and then hit the hay early.

Commence pounding head on desk

2008-07-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

I was totally going to stop the whole dieting madness. Because, although I’d deny and claim it was all way of life, living healthy blah blah blah, the reality was that I’ve been trying to diet for the past few months with various goals spurring me on. I say trying, because I have been resoundingly unsuccessful in sticking with anything for more than a few days. I’ve not lost an ounce, and may have in fact gained some weight.

And the “may have” is the reason I’m back here today, jumping back on the bandwagon. I tried on the bridesmaid dress that I’m going to have to be wearing for about ten hours, an unforgiving satin horror in teal that I’m currently struggling to zip up. Oh, and PS, the wedding is in ELEVEN days.

!!!!!

I’m so upset right now. I realize that this may sound frivolous, moaning about a dress, but I’m dreading the potential humiliation of not zipping the damn thing up. To make the stress worse, I’m going to be bloated from PMS at that time.

I also realize that it’s kinda silly to be getting to this point at the last minute, but I kept pushing of my weight loss (inch loss) goals… there was always a holiday or a barbeque or an ice cream cone, and the wedding seemed so far away. It was so easy to tell myself that I’d “get serious about losing the inches after this one last indulgence”.

So here I am, eleven days from my best friend’s wedding, hoping to drop an inch from my middle. I’m going to go low-ish carb (under 100 g/day) and mildly restrictive in the hope that I can at least lose the water weight.

Dammit.

7 days

2008-05-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

I’ve been doing well in working out, but the eats?? Not so much. In fact, I’ve been sucking hard. I’ve been giving into my desire for emotional satiation on these evenings when I come home exhausted and wanting nothing more than to crawl into a nice safe warm cave made of cinnamon rolls.

But today I’m going to make a promise to myself. Not a big grandiose declaration, just an itty-bitty promise. For one week I will eat sensibly, avoiding sugar and other simple carbs (that make me crash and be moody), and I will eat protein with every meal.

If I do this for ONE week, then I will buy the pair of red mules that I have been coveting.

If I, by some miracle or act of god, do this for TWO weeks, then I will fall down in shock. But then I will pick myself up and go forth and buy something just luscious (and will have so much fun seeking out this prezzie to myself that it's almost a reward onto itself).

Alright. Starting…… NOW!

Progress

2008-05-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

Another weekend here and gone. I'm going to be so glad when I'm done this session of coaching. It's too much to be playing and coaching at the same time!!! Aside from the general lack of time, my anxiety is slowly but surely rising because I feel like I don't have enough time in a week to get through all the necessary tasks. The housework, the yardwork, the puppy, my friendships have all been neglected as of late and it's making me fretful.

A quick recap of the weekend:

Friday night was a pub-based fundraiser for the women's team. I skipped the pub food and had a virgin Caesar, followed by two club sodas.

Saturday morning I had some quality time with the puppy (walk to the park about 30 minutes of catch, then another 30 minutes of him exploring while I read, then a walk home), then off to the boys' football practice, then off to a conditioning session with the women, then home to TRY and force my backyard into some semblance of order, and then a quick shower and off to a friend's house for a wee party. I had one vodka based drink and some sort of brie-on-toast yummy appetizer (10% meal).

Sunday walked the pup and then went out for an early brekkie with Nick - veggie omelet with eggbeaters and very little cheese, and one multigrain pancake (10% meal #2). Then we got packed up, dropped the pup with Nick sister and headed out of town for the boys' football game (the won again!!!! They're obviously well coached....). Got home, took puppy for a walk, and then had a shrimp and vege stir-fry. After a fairly low-key evening, I realized around 9ish that I was STARVING... checked the stats on what I'd eaten that day and realized it was way too low. Had a substantial snack of oatmeal, cottage cheese, blueberries, nat PB and crushed almonds. It was AWESOME!! Ever notice how good basic food can taste when you're really hungry???

I've been terribly pressed for time, but stayed on track for the most part. If I'm following the 10% premise, then all of my 10% meals occur on the weekend. I go longer between meals and the macro splits are often not quite right. However, I do feel that overall things are looking good in regards to my nutritional compliance.

71 days left to kick ass!!!!

Day 3

2008-05-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

I’m on Day 3 of an 84 Day (12 week) commitment to myself. I’m following Turbulence Training and have entered the transformation contest as a member of the Breakthrough Challenge.

I’ve had two days of moderate success – I’ve almost completely finished my training regime (got a little gassed and didn’t finish every rep of the last set, but , I killed my muscles), and had pretty good eats (although nighttime snacking has GOT to stop. NOW.)

I might really do this!

Eeep!!!

Slowly but surely....

2008-04-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

I am now a mere two pounds away from where I was right after I got back from Trinidad, the point when I officially went off the rails.

Given that it only took me about 3 or 4 weeks to put on the nine pounds that I gained, the progress has been slow to say the least. However, it's been steady forward progress for the most part and I feel really comfortable doin' what I'm doin', so I think I can stick to my healthier eating and tougher workout regime for the long haul and lose the weight.

Support

2008-04-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling very excited. And a little nervous. But a whole lot excited. I’ve decided to join the ranks of fitness fanatics on the Turbulence Training bandwagon. And because I’m not so good with the half-ass, I’m also joining a group initiated by the very-inspiring Sara of Sanaworld fame.

I just bought the slew of e-manuals from the TT site, and am just starting to browse through them, hence the excitement. However, there’s an ugly little voice asking why I’m going to commit to this given that I’ve been withering about for the past year or more. Hence the nervous. I have an answer, to that ugly little voice, though, and that is because this time I have a plan, man!

Even more importantly, I’ll have a support system, which is something that I’ve never really had before. It’s funny because while Nick is never outwardly negative about new things that I decide to throw myself into, he’s not particularly supportive either. This is furthered by the fact that I tend to treat attempts to lose weight as a private struggle. This will be a very new experience for me, and one that I’m looking forward to.

Loser!!!

2008-04-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym this morning and joined their "Biggest Loser" program. There are four teams, each meeting at different days and times, but because this team meeting is being held early in the morning, there are only two other people in it, both women and both seemingly very nice. A small group means high acocuntibility, which I need, and a potential of bonding with the other two women, which is nice. And the group leader (a personal trainer at the gym) seems very knowledgable and is more aligned with the "clean foods" way of thinking rather than the "no foods" way of thinking.

Discouragement

2008-04-14T05:16:00.000-07:00

I’m still struggling to lose the weight that I gained back immediately after returning from Trinidad. My clothes feel just a leetle bit tight, or don’t seem to be hanging quite right. I’d love to proclaim my frustration that I’ve been “doing everything right!”, but such is very much not the case.

My eating has been all over the place, with a couple of exemplary days followed by a few days where things are just a mess. I’m binging again, eating until I’m uncomfortable and sick, sneaking food, eating weird combinations in an attempt to address my cravings. I hate this feeling of being out of control. And while it’s easy to say that I’m stopping it! Today!! I don’t know if I can – when I’m in that moment, I’m not thinking of my plan or my goal weight or my goal dress or my friend’s upcoming wedding, I’m just trying to get as much food into my face as I possibly can in that moment.

There’s another “Biggest Loser” starting up at the gym on Tuesday mornings, and I’m really thinking about joining in. I need some accountability, someone to notice and say, “um, so what’s going on here?”

Taking a look at some underlying issues; I’m unhappy at work, I’m feeling anxious about my ability to play football this year, I’m concerned about money, I feel that there’s so much to be done around the house, but I lack the finances and the know-how to address them. Ugh.

I’m going to slogging on, because I’ve tried just ignoring things and promptly gained a full ten pounds (after I returned from Trinidad). I’m going to look back, and re-acknowledge some of the goals that I made for myself some four months ago.

Just breathe

2008-04-11T05:43:00.000-07:00

Wednesday and Thursday were both good days (although I would up snacking on multigrain tortilla chips last night.... not too many, but the only reason I touched them was because they were sitting in front of me for the ENTIRE NIGHT!!! grrrrr), however, today was teetering on the brink.

I made beautiful meals for myself last night, breakfast and supper as well as lunch because I have to stay in the city for a coaching clinic this evening and because I was running late this morning (and I like to eat about an hour or so after I wake, so brekkie at work is better for me). All my meals planned out, healthy and filling. And then I left it on the kitchen counter this morning. Dammit.

Starving, I rumaged in my desk and came out with a Nutrigrain bar, from where?? I don't know.... I didn't pause long enough to ask questions. And after in was gone (in two gulps! Those things are wee!), I started thinking about what other sweet delights I could get in the next ten minutes. I started justifying a date square (dried fruit and oats!!), an apple cinnamon bun (more fruit!), a nanamio square (damage is already done! May as well plow on!), and saying that I'll work out on my lunch break and before the clinic. The synthetic sweetness of the crappy cereal bar made me just want more, more, MORE!

But I called my Mom. Not about my urge to binge, but chatted about other things. And then I started to write this. Since the opening paragraph (which I have just changed from "is teetering" to "was teetering"), I have quelled my sugar demons, and have decided to drive the 20 minutes home. It'll be my lunch break (although I'm doing it now so that I don't talk myself out of it).

Sometimes you just have to take a moment to breathe, no?

Goals

2008-04-09T03:24:00.000-07:00

A quickie to try and get myself back on track

No sweets today.
Eat within calories while getting enough protein.
Track food, INCLUDING AT NIGHT (last night... just ugh...).
Remember my focus (football starts NEXT WEEK, weekend away with three other couple May 16th - 5 weeks, wedding with Nick's ex June 21st - 10 weeks, wedding in which I'm a bridesmaid August 9th, about 16 weeks).

A Plan

2008-03-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

Still lacking in focus, but it was a strange weekend… with things being closed on Friday, I felt strangely untethered. I, apparently, am better off with boundaries.

I have decided to create a Plan. I’ve always read about them, and people who’ve been successful in losing weight extol their virtue, claiming that they never would have succeeded without. And yet I’ve always flouted the idea; I am after all too spontaneous, too dynamic to be hemmed in by a Plan. But this weekend has shown me that I am meant to have boundaries.

So a Plan. First, the meal Plan. When I get a break at work, I will write up a meal Plan (I will first steal a little journal from the stationary room) for the week. I will also write down my exercise intentions. I’ll then see how well I can follow it, and whether it will help me. I fully expect it to be tedious, but I think I need to create some structure.

I’m also going to establish some goal prezzies for myself as I hit each five pound increment. This is another nugget of wisdom that’s dragged out again and again. However, perhaps the reason that it’s dragged out again and again is because IT WORKS (ya think?). I think I could use some sign of accomplishment and am actually thinking a little silver ring that I admired in a shop up the street would be ideal; I can look at it and remind myself of what I’ve achieved and that I’m still working towards a final goal.

Another oldie but goodie that I’m going to pull out is to not eat anything after 7:00pm. I’ve always rolled my eyes when pseudo-nutritionists start telling ghost stories about how you never burn the calories at night (whooOOOooo). I still think it’s bunk, BUT I do tend to snack and pick and nosh and EAT through the whole evening. And it’s not because I’m hungry, rather I just want some sweet while I cruise the interweb, or some popcorn while I watch the telly, or ‘cause Nick gets to and I just wanna. So, maybe I should just put a stop to all that right now by putting that into my Plan.

Floundering

2008-03-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

* Those are flounders... geddit???

I’m eating in a very disordered way, and the more I try and turn my attention to it, the more I fall down. Every day starts out so well, and then there’s a slip. And then another. And then, before you know it, I’ve eaten the world and it’s only 2:30 in the afternoon.

Aside from the fact that my weight has been slowly but surely rising, I’m also starting to feel the other side-effects of my poor eating habits. I’m currently suffering from a major sugar crash and want nothing more than to crawl under my desk and sleep. My skin has lost its glow and my eyes are puffy in the morning.

I’m not sure how to deal with the lethargy that threatens to overwhelm me. I’m going to see a personal trainer on Saturday, and will be joining a running group starting this Tuesday coming. I’m not sure if either of these will address my poor eating habits.

Reasons why I want to lose 15 to 20 lbs:

Football season starts up in 3.5 weeks
Dance recital (in teeny-tiny outfits) in about 5 weeks
Weekend away with several other couples in about 8 weeks
Wedding, which will also be attended by Nick’s ex in about 9 weeks
Wedding in which I’m a bridesmaid in about 14 weeks

Positive things:

I’ve been hitting the weights 2-3x/week for the past few months, and I’m definitely noticing improvements in strength
I’m still getting to gym 3-4x/week
I was doing really well with everything until I came back from Trinidad 2 ½ weeks ago
I have entered everything I’ve eaten into the Daily Plate for the past three days (today being the third)

Negative things:

My eating has been bad bad bad

Specifically, every day I’ve been having crazy sugar cravings. I know it’s due to general boredom, job dissatisfaction, concerns about my life with Nick, and the feeling that I’m adrift, and by recognizing the origin of the urge I should be bale to control it. However, such has not been the case. I’ve also noticed that I’ve been steadily gnawing on my nails, another sign of general malcontent.

I’m going to once again try and get back on the blogging wagon, as that seems to give me some focus. I'm going to watch myself for the next few days and try and look at some triggers and/or root causes rather than jumping in with undirected solutions.

Re-learning

2008-03-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

One would think that I would have learned something by this time about how my body works and about how my brain is connected/disconnected to my body. And yet.

Firstly, I am back (obviously). I was horribly busy, and then our router broke at home so I have to use Nick’s computer, which I don’t like at all, and I just felt like I was spinning my wheels with this whole losing endeavor.

Trinidad was lovely. The ocean was warm and turquoise and I literally floated for hours in it. I wore a bikini the whole time, and felt comfortable in it. I exercised regularly, and ate what I wished to. Lovely.

However, since then I have seen pictures of myself in said bikini . I have returned to lukewarm affections and dreary weather. And in protest I ate unpleasant amounts of foods that I didn’t really want but which were there, and exercised very little. I fell back on several bad habits, and dropped several good ones that I had acquired. I tried to pretend that there was no problem, but in doing so, the problem has magnified itself, and now I am uncomfortably full and feeling sick.

So.

The first thing I did was sign up for this week-loss competition at the gym, which was set to run during the period I was away. I should have seen the warning signs of disordered behavior right then and there. Thinking it started on Monday, Feb. 4th, I ate my face off that Sunday and Monday, trying to cram in all those things that would soon be forbidden. However, the date had been bumped, due instead to start on Mon, Feb. 11th. My eating was sketchy all week, and then I repeated the same behavior on Sunday and Monday (flag number 2). I was better off being at my highest, right? And it would all be water weight, right?

So I weighed in, and my weight was quite high for me. I spent the week eating austere meals, punctuated with a couple of splurges with sugar. I exercised every day and dropped a very acceptable amount of weight. I felt so smug. Especially because I thought the woman running the whole thing was a loon and maybe even kinda dumb. I also realized at this time that everyone there was very low on nutritional-learning curve, and that while they were eating up everything that the woman was saying, I was struggling to bite my tongue because she wasn’t just inane, she was often wrong wrong wrong.

Then I went to Trinidad, and missed my weigh-in. It would be okay, I thought, I’ll come back and will have lost scads of weight and everyone will be shocked and inspired. As I said, I felt fairly peaceful with my body while away, but then on the Sunday as I was returning I started to feel panic about my next-day weigh-in. I restricted my food drastically that day, and on Monday as well. So not only was I exhausted from a red-eye flight home, but I was run-down and STARVING hungry. And I still felt fat. I also wasn’t looking forward to the class, so when Nick started pressuring me to stay, I caved, with the thought in my head that I would just be extra-super skinny for the next weigh-in.

This past week has been a full-fledged return to my old disordered way of eating. I would restrict drastically for a day, but then the evening or the next day I would binge. Meanwhile, I was missing work-outs because I was either tired and hungry, or nauseated and over-full.

All day yesterday in getting ready for my weigh-in I ate almost nothing. I skipped going to the gym at lunch because my head was swimming. And as I got ready for my weigh-in, I realized what I had been doing. I decided to drop out of this competition (although there were only another couple of weeks left anyway), and get my head back in order.

That’s obviously going to take a few tries. Last night, when I ate for the first time that day, I was famished. I ate some homemade baked beans, toast, pasta that Nick made and then scads of Easter treats and dried fruit. I ate until my stomach hurt and I wanted to throw-up. And then today, without really thinking about it, to compensate I brought very little lunch and skipped breakfast. But then when Nick was curt with me, the empty stomach combined with my feelings of rejection opened me up to a mini-binge.

So, I start again. I sit here with a stabbing pain in my belly, and I acknowledge that I have a far way to go to fix my head and my body and all the paths that connect the two.

Countdown!!!!

2008-02-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted much because I'm trying to work through some body issue type things with myself. On one hand, I bought a new digital scale that tracks to the tenth of a pound. On the other hand, I bought two new string bikinis. One indicates lingering obsessions with weight and numbers, and one doesn't (I won't give away the surprise as to which is which).

But all that aside, I leave for a super-exciting trip in a mere THREE DAYS!!!!!! which makes all my heart-ache over body issues seems kinda silly.

Moment of Clarity

2008-01-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

I’m having a moment of clarity here, and, given that it happens so rarely, I’m desperately trying to record it.

I was bemoaning my lack of progress in losing the Last Fifteen Pounds, specifically that I’m going to be heading off to Trinidad in a few weeks and my tum will be no firmer than it was a month ago, when I had a realization; I will be heading off to Trinidad in a few weeks. Yes, yes, you may say, you just mentioned that. And I did, and then discounted its significance because my belly wobbles.

I’m going to Trinidad, fully paid for, on the merit of my brains and capability and I’m lamenting a few jiggles??? Have I lost all perspective??? I am both lucky and worthy, belly rolls be damned!

It’s so easy to do, isn’t it?? I think even more so more those of us who are perfectionists . I want so badly for everything to be just so that I forget that things can be pretty awesome even when they aren’t quite 100% perfect. I work in a job that I may not always love, but I’m respected and well paid and very secure, and it certainly has its bright spots. I have a boyfriend who makes me a bit crazy because we have communication issues, but he’s faithful and kind and fully intends to marry me. We have a sweet little house, and a sweeter little dog. I’m healthy, he’s healthy, my parents and siblings are all well and thriving.

In this scheme of things do an extra fifteen pounds matter?? Hell, an extra fifty???

No.

I whine and bitch and moan here about the “struggle” with those fifteen pounds . And I probably will do so again. But I think it well worth remembering to keep it all in perspective, so that while I continue to strive towards perfection (‘cause I gots to) I can remember that less than perfection is pretty fabulous too.

zzzzz....

2008-01-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

I’ve successfully woken up at omigod o’clock the past two mornings to get my ass to the gym. It wasn’t pretty, and yesterday I dallied around so long that it was a full 45 minutes after my alarm sounded that I entered the gym (which is a grand total of a 2 minute walk from my house), so I only had time for 25 minutes on the elliptical, but I did it. And then I did it again this morning, getting myself organized a little quicker.

The problem is that I’m still not getting to bed quite early enough. Based on that fact, I almost successfully talked myself into re-setting the alarm for another hour, with the proviso, “I’ll go to bed early tonight and get up early tomorrow.” However, nighttime-Loey does not heed morning-Loey’s promises. In fact, nighttime-Loey laughs in the face of those promises while watching bad TV and eating popcorn .

So it’s time to kick nighttime-Loey’s ass. By getting up early, she’s going to be forced to crash earlier at night. Unfortunately, afternoon-Loey has been caught in the crossfire and wants to take a quick snooze at her desk.

Gah! So sleepy!!!

Eeep!!

2008-01-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

Holy hell!!! I knew that I was eating a lot in the evening, mindlessly munching away. But I actually wrote it down last night, and then looked up the numbers and did the tallies this morning (PS, there is no good reason why I didn’t do this last night… just laziness, which makes me a bit embarrassed).

Nick was at a meeting, and when he came home around 9ish, he had éclairs in hand. They were sooo small and soooo tempting, and I certainly couldn’t hurt his feelings, now could I? (the world rolls eyes en masse). So I had ONE. And a half. But aside from that, I didn’t think I did too badly. However, the sum for last night alone, was (drum roll….)

1340 cal (!!!??!?!)

The hell…?!?

Again, that didn't include brekkie, lunch, and the two snacks I had during the day. There was a bowl of air popped popcorn (all to myself with about a quarter cup of butter), and some ever-so healthful pumpkin seeds… and almonds here and there. On top of supper. But the éclairs were the icing on the cake (mmmmm… icing….) at 300 empty calories a pop.

And the depressing thing is that although I’m trying to be completely honest, people generally underestimate their serving size, so those things that I didn’t measure (the seeds and nuts spring to mind) could have been larger portions than I estimated.

Well, now we know why I gained last week, and why I haven’t dropped that weight (apparently it wasn’t just water.)

And now that I know, I can fix it.

Let the fixing commence!!!

The good, the bad and the ugly

2008-01-21T06:53:00.000-08:00

Goal check-in!!!

The Good: I’ve been flossing every night, I switched to using mostly aluminium-free deodorant, I’ve been eating more veg and beans/legumes. I’ve also reduced my telly viewing (and mindless computer games), and upped my reading. I’ve also cut waaaay down on coffee.

The Bad: I’m not getting in the strength sessions, nor enough cardio. I’ve been pretty half-ass about just moving around for 30 minutes EVERY DAY, although, that is improving. I’ve made inroads into becoming better organized, but I can see some procrastination start to seep in again, too. Must watch that! I’ve also been more conscientious about my spending, but being aware hasn’t necessarily slowed it down.

The Ugly: I have been less than stellar regarding the constant eating. I wouldn’t even care if I was eating because I was hungry or because I love love love the food in question so very much. But neither was the case with the TWO cinnamon buns I had at work on Friday after an argument over the phone with Nick, nor was it so with the chips/choc/garbage I shoved in my gob on Saturday bight because I was bored and generally dissatisfied, nor was it the case when I was devouring handfuls of chips (which, PS, I don’t even like one bit) with the boys while watching the games yesterday. I literally thought, "It's not fair that they get to eat whatever they want and I don't," and then proceeded to eat the nasty chips (that, again, I don't even like) out of spite. (??? who was I spiting?? why?? what the hell??!???!)

I also haven’t improved my sleeping habits, which of course can be directly tied to stress, which can be directly tied to night-time snacking and emotional eating. And I have yet to plan my meals (which again ties in with night time eating because I so often just start snacking dinner-time and don’t stop until my head hits the pillow.)

The Plan for This Week:
Strength training: Mon-Wed-Fri… I’ll go at lunch today, and then in the mornings on the other days.
Cardio: I’ll get in a bit at lunch today or I may take a class tonight. I’m getting up at 6 tomorrow and going to the gym. I’m also going to figure out the logistics of using my jump rope somewhere in the house (maybe the garage, if I can clear enough space).
Move around: I’m going to suggest to Ash that we go indoor rock climbing one evening this week, and will take the puppy for a walk.
Sleep: I’m going to bed at 10 tonight.
Food: I’ve got a healthy day packed, and will plan out Tuesday and Wednesday tonight (I’m going to try and start slowly, rather than try to plan the whole week I’ll just do 2 days and see how it goes). I'm also going to pull out the old journal.
Other: I’ve almost completed the professional requirement, and will call about it by tomorrow. I’ll write a to-do list for the week and then prioritize it.

Motivators

2008-01-21T06:35:00.000-08:00

Still having a hard time getting on the straight and narrow. I’ve decided to enumerate things that motivate me in the hopes that I become more, well, motivated.

Trinidad!!! In five weeks!!!!
My pole dancing class might be doing a performance in March, which means booty-shorts in public.
I’m doing a football information session the end of March for potential new recruits and for women who just want to learn a bit more about the game in a non-threatening environment. During this, I’ll be putting on gear, including the pants, which means, again booty-shorts (and yes, I am aware that there may be some incongruity in the pole dancin’ football player… let’s just say I believe in balance in all things).
A friend (who was almost the same size as me) has lost about 20lbs over the past six months or so, and looks fab. A leetle jealousy, but mostly inspirational.
Football season starts in April, and my butt will be kicked if I don’t get more consistent with my strength training before that.
Bathing suit season!!!

You may notice that these are all VERY vain reasons. I think I need that for the short term to get some focus back.

Trinidad?!? Yay!!! (and, gulp)

2008-01-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

I just got confirmation that I will be going to Trinidad for a conference the end of February!!!!!

And while I am beyond excited, I also got the first tremor of doubt. “Will my summer clothes fit??”” And, “There’s going to be a bikini involved, isn’t there??”

I leave in a little less than six weeks. I don’t want to get into a crazy mentality wherein I go on a juice fast, or start going to the gym for hours a day. However, I do want to dedicate myself to the goals that I outlined. You see, last summer I went to the beach with some of my teammates from football couple of times. In looking at the pictures taken on two separate days, I made an interesting discovery about how I look; it’s mostly in my head.

See, I could remember on one day, the more recent, I was feeling nasty about myself. I even hesitated in joining the other ladies because I felt so flabby in my two-piece*. In the other, which was taken a month or two prior to the first, I was feelin’ HAWT, strutting my stuff and posing coquettishly for the camera. However, in the first I actually weighed about ten pounds more than in the second. The difference was that in the second I was exercising regularly and eating well (which obviously lead to the loss), whereas in the first I had been eating nasty foods and not exercising during the few days prior to the beach visit.

The moral of this story is that my feelings about my body have less to do with what I weight, and more to do with how I’m treating it. Which means that if I treat my body well in the next few weeks (by exercising enough, but not overdoing it, and by eating well, but not restricting), then I will feel good on the beaches of Trinidad.

* I feel the need to state that my brain has an amazing defense mechanism, wherein no matter how much I fret and frown about my appearance before I leave the house, I almost always forget about it the minute I’m out and about. Contrary to the tone of the above, I consider my body as a doing thing, not as something that is meant to be out on display, so I’m always more inclined to say "fuck it, I'm going out to play" when it comes down to the question of do or don't.

Night-time eating

2008-01-15T07:40:00.000-08:00

I’ve finally got my groove back in the exercise department. I’ve been logging many sessions at the gym, and none are excessively long. This is something that I’ve got ot be leery of, as I’m prone to get into the mindset of “if 30 minutes is good, then 30 minutes is great!!” However, most of the literature I’ve read indicates that this causes muscle loss (resulting in metabolism slow-down), and an increase in cortisol (a stress hormone which can often induce eating, and had also been tied to fat retention around the belly). And aside from this, in the past when I’ve started extending my training sessions I eventually wind-up burning out and quitting. So I’ve been focusing on intense interval training for my cardio, and heavy weight multiple muscle exercises for my strength training.

Where I’ve been falling down is in my eating. I had a couple of good days after I last posted, but since then it’s been sorry. I start out with good intentions; my day is more or less planned, lots of healthy choices at home, all of it. I eat good quality food up to and including supper. And then the snacking begins. A bowl of oatmeal fits into my plan, but not three bowls, all topped with sugar and cream. A portion of chips measured out is fine, but not mindless eating until I have no idea how much I’ve consumed but my belly hurts and bag seems suspiciously deflated.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to address this. I am not someone who can say “no food after 7:00pm”; firstly, because I’m active but can’t eat very much at one sitting, so I need one last mini-meal/snack around 9:00 or I am HUNGRY, and secondly because I would eventually rail against any such rule I put in place and wind up eating the world one night (the WORLD).

A couple of potential underlying factors have been indentified by me. One is that I’ve been feeling unsatisfied at home. While in many ways Nick and I are compatible, we have different versions of housekeeping and domestic-ness. This means that I do more of the cleaning, have to nag him about larger jobs we agreed we’d do (i.e. painting the interior), and either we prepare our food separately or I cook for both of us, but he has never prepared a meal for me. And I’m really starting to resent this. And while this may seem like I’m over thinking something that doesn’t need to be addressed at this juncture, I just wonder if I want this for the rest of my life. Ugh, I can’t believe I just said (wrote) that aloud.

A less angst-y reason for the continuous snacking may be that I’m just not getting enough food and my body is seeking more calories.

In considering solutions (and addressing the less difficult one first), I think I may try to eat more, especially for my supper meal, and maybe plan to have something in line with my cravings for “dessert”, but something that still offers some fuel for my body. For example, given my chip cravings, I may try baking up some fries tonight. And as for the other issue, I did talk to Nick yesterday about it. I’m not sure how much he absorbs, partially because I’m not sure how to convey how important it is to me. I say again, ugh.

Resolutions!!! (and it's about time....)

2008-01-08T08:43:00.000-08:00

I’m still floundering about, trying to get my groove back. I have been thinking about my resolutions, both for 2008, but also for the year that I am 30 years old. And because I am not merely a geek, but the Grand Poo-Bah of Geeks, I have not only a list but one with sub-categories (I know, all lesser geeks cower in my geekiness).

Extending my warranty (I’ve recently been reading “You: Staying Young” and it’s in tune with much of my general philosophy. This list may be extended or made more specific as I continue my readings)
Get in more veg (I’m pretty good with the fruit, but the veg…)
One bean or legume dish a week
Prepare proper balanced meals at home more often (I’m not setting a weekly goal at this point)
Watch less telly (thank you writers’ strike)
Read more
Floss before going to bed
Go to bed earlier (10:30)
Get up at a set time (6:00)
Return to basic yoga in the evenings
Reduce coffee intake
Drink more green tea

Get into fighting shape (as I may or may not have mentioned I play tackle football, so this is meant literally. We start our training in April and I intend to be ready for the pain)
I’ve ordered two resources, a strength training book for women and an athletic conditioning DVD (I don’t know how to link to things just yet, thus exposing my embarrassing lack of computer savvy), and received them last night. Once I’ve read them I’m going to begin adapting the regime into my lifestyle
Assuming it’s in line with the above mentioned regime, cardio 4-6 x/week, of which at least one will be interval training and the other will sprint training

Finish reading at least a couple of the football coaching books that Nick owns
Move around (be it a long walk with the puppy or skating or structured gym time) at least once a day

Lose the last 10!!! (this rates much lower than the other two goals, and the other two goals will contribute, obviously)
Only eat refined carbs when either a) I’m in a situation where there’s no better option (I travel a fair bit for work, often to kinda remote places) or b) when it’s something that I specifically want and I eat it while present (I comfort eat, but am very often numb when I do so. I don’t care if I eat a brownie and enjoy it. I hate when I eat a brownie and don’t even remember tasting it)
Bring enough food with me to work (when I get hungry I make bad choices)
Don’t mindlessly munch
Don’t eat in front of the telly
Actually plan my meals and try to follow the above mentioned book’s nutritional advice
Have a calendar that shows the days that I achieve goals
Blog at least twice a week and try for 3 times

Organize my world
Empty old dresser so that new dresser can brought upstairs
Clean out home office
Pack away Christmas stuff such that I’m not losing my mind next Christmas
Sort through everything at work office, file much of it
Clean out bedroom closet
Cull out-of-control show collection and find home for remaining ridiculous amount of shoes
Finish unpacking last boxes in bedroom
Sort out jewelry

Home mishmash
Paint kitchen, hallway and entrance way
Deal with the disaster that is my backyard
Deal with the drainage issue before neighbors lynch us

New furniture i.e. couch, kitchen table (this is a maybe)

Weekly clean-up (including sweeping, bathrooms, kitchen)

Professional mishmash
Complete professional requirements (that should have been done about three years ago!!)
Pick up MBA diploma
Update resume
Start pursuing the projects that I am specifically interested in (and that I can potentially manage)
Start brushing up on Espanol

Be more thrifty (we're dinks - Duel-Income-No-Kids - so I have a comfortable amount of disposable income. However, I also have a sunstantial student loan that I'd like to make more of a dent)

Eat out less (we don't go out for supper often. My problem is the coffees and the snacks and all of that. Each week I spend about $50 on this - that's $200/mth!!)

Use the library (I've got a reading fetish that must be fed, but there are other ways...)

Ask, "do I really need it??" prior to purchases

Less pre-packaged food (one of our biggest expenses is our grocery bill)

Be a do-gooder! (especially, I want to focus on environmental concerns and further reduce my ecological footprint)

Be more energy savvy at home (i.e. turn off lights and heat in empty rooms, switch to more efficient light bulbs)

Work hrader at reducing packaging

Buy more local produce

Start mini-garden in backyard

Look into volunteering locally

Keep in touch with long distance friends and family

Huh. Quite the list, n’est pas? But I have no expectations that I will have completed all of these tomorrow (obviously). I have all month… I kid, I kid!! Most of these are a work in progress and in some cases I won’t even be able to make a start on till the summer.

They are in order of those things that I can start addressing immediately. So I guess I’d better get going, hmmmm?

Quick addition: I'm up a pound. Boooooooo!!!!

Quickie

2008-01-02T07:14:00.001-08:00

Still holding steady. It would seem that my body is an expert at maintaining. In the early weeks of December this was a source of much frustration, but right now, after a week of steady grazing, I will take that maintained weight, and might I add a “woo-hoo”?

It’s a New Year, and while I echo the sentiment found in many blogs that resolutions need not be limited to early January, I’ve always liked the fresh crisp feeling that I have when I finally drag myself out of bed on January first. This is compounded by the fact that my birthday is December 30th.

I like sitting down and assessing what the previous year has brought, and then figuring out what I would like to accomplish in the upcoming year. And I just like lists. A lot.

I still haven’t thoroughly done this yet, and don’t want to slap down a bunch of things all willy-nilly, so I think I’ll leave this as my quick weekly check-in, and continue to ponder the last year and plan for the next.

Post-Christmas check-in

2007-12-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

I emerged from Christmas pretty much unscathed and maintaining 144, although I could still see the scale go up a bit next week. However, I think I’d be pretty comfortable if I did.

While I’m still eating waaaaay too many choccies while lounging around with Nick watching DVD’s received as gifts, I have done several positive things and in the spirit of optimism that I’d like to adopt in the new year, I shall list them rather than chide myself for all the things I did poorly (of which there were many…. Whatev! ‘Twas Christmas!!!)

- I ate a bowl of healthy, fiber-lious cereal as breakfast or a snack every day (gotta keep things moving!)
- I ate some fruit and some veg every day. Maybe not enough, but some.
- When I went back for seconds, I only had those things that I truly truly love.
- I didn’t finish all those seconds because I was full (I used to be mayor of “Clean Plate” ville.)
- I skipped the dessert because I didn’t love it.
- I went to the gym the day before Christmas, took the puppy for an hour long walk on Christmas day and then again to the gym on the 27th and 28th (this is particularly remarkable because I forgot my iPod on the 27th, BUT I STAYED ANYWAY!!!!!!)
- I did not over-consume coffee (don’t even ask how much coffee I’d drink if I allow myself free rein).
- Ditto on the booze (this is a feat in and of itself in my family… no, no one is a lush, but during celebrations the wine doth flow freely – as does the beer and the liquor…)
- I didn’t sneak food.

And you guys, the fact that I accomplished the last one could make me sing or cry or I don’t know what. That is one of my worst food-demons, and was the cause of much weight gain during holidays past. And worse, so much shame. I’m not sure what clicked, but I only even thought about it a couple of times and even then it was fleeting. I may have to face this issue again and again, but I have to approach each holiday or event separately, and celebrate each battle won like I won the war.

I’m starting to think about the New Year. And the fact that on the 30th, I turn 30 years old. I feel pretty good about it, and want to make my thirtieth year on this earth a good one.

Naughty or nice?

2007-12-19T06:28:00.001-08:00

144???

That’s a pound down. And while I’m not complaining, I am confused. Very, very confused. Because Christmas eating began on Saturday, and I was fully expecting that to be reflected. The fact that it’s not is somewhat mind boggling.

Or is it. (how mysterious!!) In actuality, while I have been snacking and tasting and picking, I haven’t gone all out, balls to the walls a-binging. And my appetite has been naturally curbed. What this unfortunately means is that I’ve been eating less healthy food because I’ve literally spoiled my supper (and lunch and afternoon snack, etc).

This is not a good thing. The silver lining is that I stop when full, something that I would have only scoffed at in the past (full??? What is this “full” you speak of??).

And while I haven’t gotten a whole lot of official exercise in, I have been walking around a lot getting Christmas errands done.

I’m still not sure if I was naughty or nice?

Conspirators!

2007-12-18T12:51:00.000-08:00

I swear to you, my entire office is conspiring against me in an effort to have me gain 49 lbs over the holidays. In fact, my parents, my friends and Nick (gasp!!!) may all be involved in this nefarious plot.

Oooo, my tum hurts!

Can I go home yet????

2007-12-12T06:00:00.001-08:00

145!!! One pound down!!

(I’m actually just a leedle bit disappointed… I’d been jumping on the scale on and off, earlier this week, and had been flirting with 144 and 143. But after two weeks of the same-same, I’ll take that one pound!)

Thank heavens for that one pound to bolster my mood.

I think I should go back to bed as the world is obviously conspiring against me. Or it could be karma come along to smack me upside the head for being so smug. See, I have a crazy number of family (my mother’s side) who live about 4 hours away that I buy small Christmas gifts for. I’ve been more on the ball this year than I have been possibly ever, so when Mom said that she was heading there for an extended weekend, I was all “no big deal”. Presents were wrapped last night, and I was filled with a sense of virtuousness (and that combined with the expected loss this morning). However, as I was loading them into the car this morning to drop off with my Dad (who works in an office close to mine), I had a vague memory float up that two cousins who are normally unable to come home for Christmas, were going to be there this year. And I hadn’t bought them anything (usually wait till after holidays to mail). Dammit. (Solution: Mom assured a panicked me that someone else will be going there from here in the next couple of weeks and won’t mind taking two wee prezzies).

I then realized about ten minutes into our thirty minute commute that I had a reception to attend after work. Not an issue in and of itself, but it’s wet, snowy, sloppy here today so I wore a “business-casual” outfit that definitively errs more on the “casual” side of the spectrum. And normally we’d just turn around and be a bit late, but Nick is taking part in a conference and we were already tight for time. sigh. (Solution: I’ll have to run out and buy a pair of black dress pants, and I always keep a basic black blazer in my office in case of dress-up emergencies. Fortunately, my hair looks okay today and I have a tube of mascara in my purse for my currently make-up-less face). Oh, and I didn’t bring any late afternoon snacks that will prevent me from eating the world or at least the whole buffet table at the reception. (Sol’n: Obviously grab something during the pants expedition, but what?? Maybe an apple and a protein bar… ugh).

Then, about ten minutes after I dropped Nick off at his conference, I realized that I had both his keys AND my keys for the car. And while I’m staying late to go to this reception, he has to leave a bit early to go to another function across town. And I’m in and out of meetings all day today (plus I have to find time to buy a pair of pants) (Sol’n: left keys with front desk reception).

Then while coming into my office building, carrying my purse (oversized), my gym bag and the box of gifts (also very big, and coverless… can you see where this is going?), and fumbling for my key card, I dropped the box of gifts. And one of them broke (Sol’n: I bought it at a shop across the street and so can easily replace it, but this is becoming a very expensive day).

Then, when I went to text Nick (‘cause he can’t answer the phone during the conference, but he can read a text message), I realized that I had forgotten my cell at home. Which isn’t such a huge issue EXCEPT TODAY because I was supposed to call Nick when I was done the reception to let him know to come get me. (Sol’n: I don’t know, I suppose someone will have a phone, or maybe a payphone… do those even exist anymore??? Argggg!!)

And did mention that the snow has turned to rain??? Which will make the trek up to do my errands oh-so-pleasant, I’m sure.

Siiiiiigh. I wanna go home.

Positives and Negatives

2007-12-11T09:48:00.000-08:00

Overall I had a fun and productive weekend. And, I didn’t eat my face off from Friday night to Monday morning, something I often do, as if the fact that I’m off the clock for work means that nobody’s paying attention to how much food gets stuffed in my gob.

I’m still having problems tracking what I eat, though. I’ve sorta been doing it, but it’s always well after the fact, like the next day, which means that 1.) it’s waaaaaay less accurate (“how much hummus did I eat??”, “did I even have a snack in the evening??”) and 2.) I don’t get a chance to realize that I’m starting to approach my caloric goal and thus slow the inpact.

I’ve done this for the past three days. None of these days surpassed my cut-off high (at least, according to my memory and estimates), but they were all higher than my target range (I have a target range of about 200 cal, that varies with the amount of activity I do, but then I also have a “WARNING: Do Not Cross” level). On Saturday, when I went to a restaurant for my friend’s birthday I accepted that I was going above my typical target, and my goal was to simply not go above the “WARNING” level. Did this and felt pretty good. Sunday and Monday, however, I thought I was staying within my normal target range and was highly dismayed afterwards to discover that I was considerably higher.

I’m not sure how to get better at this. I do figure that by simply writing it down even after the fact, I’m getting myself more in the habit. However, by doing it afterwards I’m not reaping the actual benefit, which makes me feel like I’m doing the work, but not getting the result (which sucks and is very demotivating!).

Another positive thing I’m doing is wearing my pedometer. I’ve done this over the past couple of days with the intention of hitting 12 500 steps by the end of each day. I’m a numbers person and very competitive (yes, even with myself. Yes, this is kinda weird), so by setting this ongoing goal with myself, I actually do all those extra bits of movement that are always recommended. I take the stairs, I take more little breaks at the office, I volunteer to take the dog on a mini-walk (he’s a puppy and it’s very very cold right now, so we’re going on three or four mini-walks of about 10-15 minutes daily), etc. I’m happy to say that I’ve met or surpassed my goal 4 out of 5 days, and came over 10 000 steps on the other.

Now if I could just bring all these little changes consistently together.

Trying to Get Back on Track

2007-12-06T12:33:00.000-08:00

I’m working my way back into doing positive things for my body. I went the gym at lunchtime both yesterday and today, and I started tracking again yesterday after a couple of attempts wherein I tracked during the day and then not when I went home. The reason I did so was pretty evident.

I’m a grazer. Nick has commented that I never seem to eat too much at a meal, which is usually true. But it’s not like I’m not packin’ away the calories at other times. Last night is a perfect example. It wasn’t even as continuous as it can be, but it was bad enough,

I got home, but the puppy needed out NOW (now now now now!!!!), so, starving, I grabbed one of a bunch mini-burrito thingies that Nick had heated up (about 100 cal). After took puppy for quick walk, I had my actual supper consisting of a slice of thin crust chicken pizza (I estimate about 300 cal) followed by a cup of cherries (100 cal).

At this point, I am no longer hungry. If I had stopped I may have had a quick snack before going to bed, or maybe not, depending on my hunger level some three hours later.

But I didn’t stop. In my wanderings around the house, during which I was bored and feeling like I should get several somethings done, but was feeling utterly unmotivated to do so, I had (about) a cup of chips, several scoops of walnuts (half a cup?), and nibbled away at the pan of rice krispie squares (sliver by sliver), adding another 700-800 calories to my daily total.

Again, I need to stress, I was NOT HUNGRY.

It was around 8 or 8:30 I recognized what I was doing and decided I needed to get out of the house. I ran to the store to return a skirt and then to the grocery to pick up a few basics that we had run low on, and then just wandered around the store looking at Christmas decorations.

This is why I have to track, though. As I was nibbling, I thought that I wasn’t actually consuming a lot of food. It wasn’t until I wrote it down that I got a sense of what I had actually consumed. And bear in mind that I’m estimating in hindsight; the cup of chips may have been two in reality, maybe it was more like a full cup of walnuts. In short, the tally might be considerably higher.

But this is why tracking is so onerous for me. I eat a little bit of a lot of things.

But if I don’t, well, it’s shockingly easy to get out of hand.

sigh

The Dress

2007-12-05T06:04:00.000-08:00

I have another association with the Christmas party. I had this hope that I would wear “The Dress” this year. Finally.

The Dress is a dress that an old roommate gave me ages ago because it no longer fit her. It’s black, slinky, strappy and sexy as all get out. It’s the perfect length and perfect style for just about any semi-formal occasion. And most importantly, I feel feminine in it (which is relevant if you read the previous post). The caveat is that it’s very figure-hugging, in that it’s tight all the down to the hip. And while I’m a medium sized girl, I have lumps and bumps and general squishiness that I do not wish to expose to the world at large.

So this dress hangs in my closet and is pulled out at intervals when I want to torture myself or steel my resolve to lose the last of my paunch. I need to lose a mere 10 to 15 lbs to smooth things out, or so I estimate, which is a drop in the bucket compared to the amazing achievements of so many bloggers.

I was so hoping to wear this dress if not to the Christmas party, then on my birthday which is New Year’s. And given my progress, or lack there of, it’s not going to happen. No way, nope, nu-uh. I realized that last week when I pulled The Dress out of the closet for a try. I wore the right underwear (I refuse to wear Spanx or any constricting undergarment, so for me that means something that wouldn't show lines, and then a bra that provides some oomph), my sexiest high heels, everything set so that I would look my best. And looking in the mirror I realized that I had really made no progress at all since August which was the last time I tried on The Dress.

And it was then that I kinda gave up.

Not the “I’m-giving-up-so-pass-me-that-pan-of-brownies-and-carton-of-ice-cream-and-hey-are-you-going-to-finsh-that?” type of giving up. Rather it was the “whatever” kind of give up. The kind where you continue to go through the motions of everything (which, thank heavens, has let me maintain), but you’re not really trying anymore.

I haven’t tracking in over a week. I haven’t hit the gym since the day of The Dress. My lunches that I was packing so meticulously, not so meticulous. I spilt a bag of chip with Nick for supper on Monday. Etc, etc.

I’m doing some thinking. Results are pending, but right now I’m very disappointed with myself.

Going Out in Drag

2007-12-04T13:51:00.001-08:00

I had my company Christmas party on Saturday night. I work for a fairly large engineering firm, and while I like most of my co-workers, I don’t really know many of them very well. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I don’t really click with many of them. Which is fine. But it makes for a looooong three hours when you’re seated at a table with these virtual strangers and their wives (oh, did I not mention that my co-workers are about 90% men?? ‘Cause they are)

So, not the most comfortable of situations to start with. But it gets worse, at least for me. Because this is a formal occasion, which typically requires a dress. Generally I feel pretty good about my appearance. I don’t necessarily turn heads all the time, but I think I’m cute, and I’ve got enough moxie to up “cute” to “va-va-voom” when I pull out that attitude. My outfit of choice on these occasions is jeans, cute top, sexy-as-hell shoes or boots and some striking make-up (any eye make-up in fact, will look flamboyant… I’m very lucky to have large eyes and long lashes. My biggest problem is that I can sometimes look cartoon-ish). I think I can do “dramatic” or even “sexy” on a good night. “Pretty” is not something I’m comfortable with. And dresses are meant to be pretty.

To top this off, body issues rear their heads. I’m relatively tall. I work out with big, heavy weights, which makes me feel good about myself. I have big legs that are crazily strong, and I love them for that. I have naturally broad shoulders that are well-muscled, which again, I’ll usually try to highlight. But in dress, these assets don’t work.

The end result is that I feel that I look like a man in a dress. Combine that with my long, naturally full hair, big feet and the dramatic eye make-up that I favor, and you get a drag queen.

You now what doesn’t feel so good?? Being the girl who looks like a dude in drag.

I Want Can-dee!!!

2007-11-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

I love candy. Chocolate (natch), gummies, licorice, sweet ‘n sours, all of it. By I find that due to my all or nothing nature, a small taste just fuels my desire for more. Granted I’ve come a long way from my full out binges where I’d consume candy, then baked goods, then savories, then more candy and so on in an unending spree of caloric delight. I now find my tummy hurts after a single chocolate bar. But even with a sore belly, that chocolate bar can awaken my taste buds so that they cry “nausea be damned!! Bring me cake!!!)

I have the tendency to use candy and sweets as a crutch when I’m tired and anxious. It’s an easily accessible one as I work downtown and there are plenty of shops that cater to the tired and stressed office worker.

I’ve pretty much abstained for the past week or two, and haven’t really missed it. But last night, I started thinking about chocolate. I ignored it, had some crackers and jam, and an ounce of pumpkin seeds. This morning I started considering how many calories in the giant cinnamon rolls sold in my building (estimate: about 500) or if I’d be satisfied after a muffin (answer: no, I’d want more sweets).

The cravings lasted all through the morning, so at lunchtime I decided to say the hell with it. I’m trying to achieve moderation, and if I want some candy, I say give the girl her candy. But I should have what I really want and not some substitution that will only serve as a stopgap. So I went to the candystore down the street. I got some choc covered malt balls, choc covered raisins, sweet tarts and gourmet licorice. Mmmmmm…. so good.

I think this is a reasonable amount. I had enough to satisfy my cravings, without going overboard (although some people may argue that by reason of my upset belly, I did go overboard. Those people are mean.)

Now I just have to wait until the sugar-belly nausea passes.

Weighing In

2007-11-21T11:39:00.000-08:00

146! 3 lbs down from last week!

Go Loey!!! And I’m not just talking about the loss (although that’s AWESOME), but also about the fact that I’ve consistently tracked everything for the past week or so, and I haven’t become a raving loon in doing so.

It’s funny though how easy it is to fall back into old habits. You see, a couple of years ago, when I was at my highest, I joined Weight Watchers (henceforth known as WW) to help me figure out what’s what. I had my weigh-in on Saturday morning. Everything went along ticket-boo for a few weeks, but then the Saturdays after weigh-in started to feature a big meal, and then a night of drinking. I would write off all of my flex points and keep going. But then the Saturday splurge started to seep into Sunday. And sometimes Monday. And then, because I was just so annoyed with denying myself and being so meticulous, Tuesday and Wednesday would be pretty sketchy.

To compensate for my shoddy dieting behaviour, I would drastically reduce calories and avoid sodium. I had all the tricks down pat, and all the meals that were relatively filling (although in no way satisfying), but low in sodium and calories were second nature to me. I would wake up on Saturday morning, forego my morning glass of water (or litre… I drink an enormous amount of water normally), skip breakfast, often go for a run (sweat out a few more ounces), and then go to weigh-in wearing the flimsiest outfit that I could find.

After all that it was still a crapshoot whether I’d lose or not, based on what I’d eaten the rest of the week when I wasn’t starving myself and on how much activity I’d done. And then I’d start the whole cycle all over again. I finally realized that I was doing more damage than good, and left that program.

So needless to say, I’m a bit of an extremist, and have some scale related demons. And yet I recognize if I want drop a bit of weight then I have to monitor and control inputs and outputs. And I truly believe that having some accountability is extremely helpful. But as I said in my previous post, I’m trying to do so with a spirit of moderation. And yet it was still really hard not to fall into my old habits of restriction before “weigh-in” day.

I was successful this week in beating down those impulses, but it is something to be aware of.

Striving for "Good Enough"

2007-11-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

I had an okay weekend overall. I got in a bit of activity and I stayed within the calorie range that I’m working with. However, some of my food choices weren’t that great. Instead of having a proper healthy meal, I had a salad (giant, but pretty much just greens with a few tomatoes) chased with a rocky road square. Or I ate a decent slice of vegetarian pizza, but instead of having a piece of fruit as a snack a couple of hours later, I had a handful of chips.

Again, I stayed within my calorie range, and I still ate my vegetables and mostly had whole grains. But I wonder if that’s the best way to go?? On one hand, I’m certainly not fueling my body in an ideal way. On the other, by indulging in some “no-no” foods on Saturday and Sunday, I prevented the sense of deprivation I usually get when I’m dieting really stringently. And I think that it’s that sense of deprivation that sends me face first into a pile of cinnamon rolls.

I also balanced my exercise. In the past, I’ve hit the gym (or the pavement or whatever) for an hour or two a day everyday. Sometimes both morning and evening. Because in some twisted part of my head, that’s the only way to successfully lose weight. But eventually I would miss a day, and then several days because I was soooo sick of the gym and my music sucks and my knee hurts and I just don’t wanna!! So there!!

This weekend I didn’t get to the gym on Friday night, but I walked with the puppy for a while. I walked again on Saturday and got a ton of errands done. I hit the gym on Sunday for some cardio, and I had a dance class that evening. And I didn’t get to the gym yesterday, but I took the dog for a full hour long walk.

This is a new approach for me. One with happy mediums rather than do-or-dies. I’m hoping that it will let me stick to this new plan long enough so that my “diet” becomes my lifestyle.

Emotional Eating

2007-11-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

Ugh, I’ve had a horrible couple of days. Work has been non-stop emergencies (and they’re not even my emergencies! I’m trying to cover for a co-worker who has an awful flu virus and has been out the whole week), and I discovered that due to some personality conflicts, I have been selected as a scapegoat for another organization I did some volunteer work for last spring.

All in all, I was miserable last night. Awful, but it did afford me an interesting opportunity.

My problems with weight stem almost 100% from binge/emotional eating. As I’ve become more and more aware of this, I’ve become more successful with controlling it and recognizing that my “bad” feelings will not go away by smothering them with food. This has allowed me to lose almost 50 lbs to date. Nonetheless, I do find myself slipping into old habits on a fairly regular basis, and would probably do so even more if wasn’t for Nick’s presence (I used to sneak food, something I can’t do anymore which has helped curb the binges substantially).

I recently read that binge/emotional eaters have troubles being in touch with their emotions, and funnily enough, many very “powerful” and professional women are particularly susceptible to this because they don’t want to show any emotions that could be construed as weak. When I read this I could recognize myself 100%, up to and including the desire to numb oneself with food rather than to simply allow oneself the emotional outlet of crying.

So last night I sat there considering the contents of my cupboards, and recognized that I was doing it again. I was avoiding the sadness I was feeling about things by turning my mind to food. So I forced myself to really think about the problems. And when I started to feel the prickling of my eyes I kept thinking about it.

I excused myself and went to bed early (like 9:30!!!), and just lay there and cried (okay, so I still couldn’t show weakness in front of someone, but usually I can’t even acknowledge it to myself, so this is real progress for me). I was still awake around 11 when Nick came to bed, but by that time I was feeling more peaceful.

I don’t have solutions to my current problems (there may not be any available at this time), but at least last night, my coping mechanism was healthier and ultimately left me feeling more at ease (rather than feeling sick and guilty!) I consider that I major step in the right direction.

Meat on a Stick

2007-11-15T05:44:00.000-08:00

Nick took me out for supper last night. We’ve been working through some ongoing problems and after several verrrrry painful conversations, I think he’s starting to understand some of my reactions. It’s hard for both of us. I’m not very good at opening up about my “weaker” emotions. I hate losing face, hate admitting that I’m sad or hurt or need comfort. But I do need comfort and kindness, and most of my close friends have learned to recognize this and give it to me even when I’m bluffing about feeling fine and that I’m way too tough to be hurt by anything. This requires a lot of intuition and empathy. And Nick is has very little of either. And this is the root of about 75% of our problems.

However, we’re both working on this (me on opening up, him on being more empathetic), and things are improving. Which brings us back to going out for dinner, something I love doing but Nick is pretty apathetic about, so in doing so he’s trying to help create a better balance in the give-and-take of our activities.

So dinner. It was oh-so yummy. We ate at a Turkish place, which is very similar to most Mediterranean cuisines; lots of lean meats all grilled shish-kabab style (mmmm... meat on a stick never tasted so good), salads dressed with lemon and olive oil, dips made with beans and cheeses and olive oil, and everything seasoned with amazing spice combonations. All-in-all, very healthful.

However, I overindulged. Not to the same degree that I would have in the past, but I still left feeling a little uncomfortable. It was all so delicious, I kept having another bite, and then another, and then another… I have no regrets, but I do think that next time (and there will be a next time), I may suggest forgoing the mixed appetizer plate and just get one or two things because part of my problem was that I wanted to taste everything.

Growl

2007-11-14T10:32:00.001-08:00

The man in office next to mine is a louder talker. Worse, he uses speaker phone. Still worse, he seems to have some hearing difficulty, because the volume on the speaker phone is jacked to the high heavens. And he talks on the phone a lot.

Grrrrrrrr…

Brief check-in

2007-11-14T05:14:00.000-08:00

I weighed 149, which is slightly heavier than what I stated in my grand confessional. I’m sitting here at my computer trying to determine how I feel about that. It’s still just a number, and I honestly don’t think it affects me deeply. However, it’s a hair-breadth away from a number I don’t want to see again.

Again, not a big deal in and of itself. It’s just once again indicative of how easy it is to slip from good eating habits and exercising regularly to, well, not. I do feel, though, that I’m at the stage where I can easily reverse this trend. I have been eating better and I’m going to make every effort today to get to the gym at lunch (Gym clothes, check. iPod, check. Gym pass, check.) And I remembered to pack a decent lunch (although it’s somewhat measly, so I may have to supplement in someway). Everything is pointing toward me having a good day.

!!!!!!! (or Why One Should Avoid Being a Smug Dummy)

2007-11-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

I just had lunch at the Korean place across the street from my office. It seemed like pretty modest fair, and while I left feeling full, I didn’t think I had consumed a huge amount of calories. In fact, I was feeling rather smug when I wandered back into my office, and so I thought I’d revel in my smugness by confirming that I’d had a skinny-fying lunch by tallying up the cold hard numbers.

Here are the facts;
Miso soup (about a cup) – 40 cal
California roll (6 pieces) – 210 cal
Various nigiri sushi (6 pieces) – 360 cal
Total – 610

!!!!!

It’s not that I feel I consumed too much or feel guilty. I think that given that I’ve only had a small brekkie and snack today (I’m not really a breakfast person so I don’t sweat it if I only have, like, an egg and a latte), that it’s not an unreasonable amount at all. It’s just that I had no idea that the tally was so high. In fact, if I had been asked, I would have estimated about half that total amount, and I’m usually pretty good at estimating my caloric intake.

Here are my take-away lessons;

It’s always beneficial to check nutritional info, even when I think I know it.
Even websites can only provide estimates; there’s a very wide discrepancy when it comes to prepared foods (as one would assume), so it could be very easy to fool oneself (cali roll came in as low as 25 cal/piece, which has to be ridiculous).
If I can, I should check the nutritional info before I go out. In this case, I wouldn’t have gotten the combo with the cali roll, or maybe only eaten half of it because I don’t really like it all that much. But the combos were pre-made (for lunchtime rush), and because I thought I was so low overall, I kept picking until the entire roll was eaten. Or I would have gotten the vege Bibimbap (which I love and is only about 400 calories).
It’s useful to tally up one’s calories even after the fact, as it provide the information to make better choices for the rest of the day.

This last one is a key one for me. I’m a snacker. Usually, my lunches sum to about 300 calories, but then I nibble away for the rest of the day (apples, nuts, dry cereal etc.) and wind up eating a reasonable amount of food (I do not think having only 300 calories at lunch is sufficient to fuel one’s entire day, unless breakfast was enormous). However, today I will limit that as I’ve obviously had a considerably larger lunch than usual.

Ahhhhh… smugness restored.

Facing it

2007-11-13T06:17:00.000-08:00

It’s been forever since I’ve posted, and I’ve come to a realization; I’ve gained some weight. It’s not a lot of weight, probably in the range of about 5 pounds, but it’s enough that I haven’t worn some of my more form fitting clothes in a while.

This is not significant in and of itself, and I’m not expecting a giant outcry or gasp of dismay either due to the gain or due to the denial about the gain. However, it’s time to stop pretending that I’ve been staying the same since football season ended in August. Because, you see, that’s what I’ve been doing. My pants aren’t snug and my blouses’ buttons aren’t straining because I ate too much salt or I’ve got PMS or because they just came out of the dryer. It’s because I’ve gained a bit. And while that’s not the end of the world by a long shot, it’s also realllllllly dumb to pretend it hasn’t happened.

So, I’m still 148, but that’s a little up from 142ish, which is what I was this summer.

Huh… the world’s still turning. Guess that wasn’t so bad afterall.

Deeper, deeeeeper...

2007-10-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

I think I’m disappointed and upset because I keep expecting Nick to help supply me with happiness. I don’t know if that’s fair or not, but I guess that’s how I always believed relationships worked; both parties actively trying to make each others’ lives happier. And I do genuinely believe that I try to do so for Nick. However, he doesn’t provide the same to me.

I’m torn on the situation. On one hand, I feel I should be able to skip along merrily without affirmation from Nick. I shouldn’t base my esteem on him. However, isn’t there a line?? If he teases me with put downs, shouldn’t he boost me up too?? And at the end of the day shouldn’t I have some measure of certainty that he’s attracted to me and finds me interesting and that I’m special and wonderful to him?? Even if it’s not said explicitly all the time, shouldn’t one have that in a serious relationship? Particularly one that is supposed to be headed towards marriage?

‘Cause such is not the case.

So, where does that leave me? Well, in the long run, I don’t know.

But in the short run, I think I have to focus on my own happiness. I need to read and see people and go to movies and exercise and do what I need to do to achieve my goal of feeling good about myself. And I can’t let outside influences distract me from achieving my happiness.

Stop-Gap

2007-10-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

I’m an emotional eater. When things are tense, and I’m feeling general malaise or ennui, I turn to food (or sometimes shopping… which is just so sadly cliché I refuse to even touch it right now).

Things with Nick are tense. We have issues, and I’m not sure how they’ll be resolved, or if they’ll be resolved, given that he is completely unwilling to discuss things, and certainly not interested in making changes. Maybe these are unfair statements, but they’re based on the impressions he gives.

Given that there won’t be an immediate resolution to the issues that are eating at me, and given that I’m not prepared to walk quite yet, I have to suck it up. I have to do my best to stop fretting constantly and stop letting it all affect my eating habits, my motivation and my sleep.

Here are the things that I believe will help restore my equilibrium;
1. Get more sleep.
2. Eat better.
3. Exercise regularly.
4. Visit my friends more regularly.

There’s certainly more, but let’s not overwhelm my poor quivering brain, now shall we.

Given that it seems that I’m primary in the role doggie Mama, I can’t see sleeping in any later than 6am. So, I’ll just have to ensure that I’m getting to bed by 9:30-10:00, no matter who is over. And if I have to dip into my supply of sleeping pills, so be it.

I’m going to pair down my eats to the bare bones for the next couple of weeks (not literally bones, 'cause, ugh). Lots of vegetables, fruit, water and tea, supplimented with lean protein. I'm also going to try and reduce my coffee intake, which I think may be affecting my sleep.

Football is all done now, so I should have much more free time. I hesitate to detail it out right now, suffice it say that I will be making exercise, both cardio and strength training, a priority for the next few weeks.

I enjoyed spending time with Kristen so very much on Saturday. I have to work on this over the next few weeks. Fostering friendships is most definitely the way to prevent my head from blowing up while Nick and I are struggling through this nonsense.

Four points to try and emphasize in importance over the next two to three weeks. Can do.

Progress of a sort

2007-10-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

145

It’s been several days since I’ve checked in. I’ve stayed pretty true to my commitment of hopping on the scale regularly, checking at least every other day. The benefit has been that the number is becoming just a number. It’s interesting to watch the difference a heavy meal or a salty day (you know what I mean) can make.

There hasn’t been much change to be noted in the number, but I have been making changes.

I’ve started tracking what I eat again. I’ve gone old school, using a pretty notebook that I’ve been keeping in my purse. I’ve got a good memory for numbers, and can sadly remember the values of most of the basic foods I eat regularly. When I’m in doubt, I just check on-line. But it’s ridiculously easy to estimate most unprocessed foods. Lean meat: about 120 cal for 100g (3-4 oz), fruit: about 100 cal for a serving (which is usually about a half a cup to a cup), vegetables: either almost nil for greens, peppers, broccoli, etc, and starchy vegetables yields more like about 100 cal/cup, fats/oils: 100 cal/tbsp. Starches are a bit harder to estimate, but 100 cal/half cup is about right, or the same for a slice of bread/half a roll.

It’s not perfect, but I’m trying to avoid being perfect. I used to sometimes reduce healthy foods from half a cup to a third of a cup just to save like 20 calories. I’d measure and fret, and for what?? Knowing my calories is useful, but I want to know within say 200 cal. I know I can lose by eating about 1600 cal/day. Some days it’ll be more like 1800 or even 2000, but I also know that some days it will be more like 1400. It’ll all balance out in the end.

I’m also very pleased to announce that I’ve gone for at least a brief run for the past three mornings. The puppy has been with me, and getting him worn out for the day provides much motivation. My knee kinda hurt this morning after bustin’ it up a hill, but I think I’ll just wear my brace tomorrow morning, and that should prevent anymore owey-ness. I currently plan on hitting the gym for some upper-body weight madness before the game this evening.

Still at it

2007-10-17T10:45:00.001-07:00

Just for the record, I haven’t abandoned this endeavor yet. And while blogging daily is highly helpful to me, I have to acknowledge that it might not always be realistic. I’ve been over the top busy lately here at work, and at home we got a puppy on Sunday, and my time at home has been divided between giving him lots of love (he’s five months old, and almost four of those months were spent in a cage at a pet store, which is tragic) and trying to get him housebroken (see previous parenthesis).

However, things have been going along not too badly. I’m now 145 lbs, partly due to eating better and getting some activity in, but also partly due to the onset of my period. I’ve charted it all out, and because I’m a giant geek, I’ve included the trendline. I have to be careful about making estimates about my potential rate of loss as I have the tendency to start hanging hopes and dreams on crazy maybe’s

I feel like I’m starting to get settled in to a healthier eating pattern over the past couple of days. Not perfect by a long shot, but when eating less nutritious foods I eat sensible potions (a handful of chips rather than a whole bag), and thus far I haven’t succumb to the perfection that cab plague (wherein I try to be perfect and if I “fail”, like eating a cookie, the whole day is written off as a failure and I may as well go eat thirty cookies. And maybe some doughnuts (mmmmmm…)

Activity has been moderate. I’m still not where I’d like to be, but I’m definitely improving.

'Fessing up

2007-10-12T11:47:00.001-07:00

I don’t want to establish a list of rules right now as I did in the past. However, I do want to establish a habit of writing daily, and the only way to do so is by doing so.

That being said, I didn’t want to write today. Because not only was I “bad” last night, making me a big hypocrite after all my hoity-toity talk yesterday, but I was also “bad” this morning, having eaten some candy and some dried fruit.

But then I had a couple of thoughts. The first was, from whom am I hiding my horrible horrible deeds??? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure I’m the only one here. So am I trying to deny my eating habits to myself?? It sorta seems so. Which makes sense because I often get to a point when I’ve gone a binge, or even a mini-binge, where it takes a colossal amount of effort to remember what I’ve eaten. Which really is a bad thing (and should be distinguished from a “bad” thing).

The second thought ties directly into the first, and that relates to how I tend to demonize food. I’m hiding my eating habits because I tend to think in the deepest depths of my heart that sometimes I’m “good” and sometimes I’m “bad”, and that’s something I have to break out of.

The third thought was that really I didn’t have an excessive amount of food either day, so why was I making a big deal about it?? I will acknowledge that I can’t eat in that way everyday if I expect to lose weight (I had many many chocolate covered raisins last night, followed by several slices of cinnamon toast and a piece of cheese, followed by baked fries, and then chased by some more chocolate raisins). But one night. More important is to look at why I became the bottomless chasm than to deny that it happened.

So there we are. I could be labeled a hypocrite (by myself, ‘cause again, just me here). Or I could accept that I might have a few too many nutritionally empty (but oh-so-tasty) foods, shrug it off , and have a supper of lean protein, vegetables and whole grains.

And by the way, I also weighed myself this morning.

150.

The Countdown

2007-10-11T09:17:00.001-07:00

There has been a significant hiatus due to the crazy that has besieged me. But I think it’s time to acknowledge that there will always be craziness, and such is just the nature of life (unless you live on a farm. And even then the craziness would just manifest in other ways, like barn raising and quilting bees.)

My challenges were not particularly successful. I do these things in a bubble; I don’t start talking nothing but diet-babble to my friends, I don’t share my master plan with Nick, because I know that they’re boring and more than a little self-indulgent. But that means when I slip-up, there’s no to whom I’m accountable. This is something that I need to address

But enough is enough. Time to get down to brass tacks. For reals, this time. ‘Cause we’re in the final hour.

As of today, there are just over eleven weeks left before my thirtieth birthday. As of this morning, I was a grand total of 147 lbs. I want to drop 12 lbs by 30.

I got the ability (mad skillz, yo), the general know-how, and all the tools I need. And I go the cash to supplement it all as need be. Now I just have to put it all to use.

I think my plan is to weigh every day, and then take an average every Monday.

This is not a goal on which I will hang my hat. I’m pretty happy with myself most of the time right now. But I want just that little bit more. I want to be muffin-top free, and I want a better base of fitness for next football season. I want that extra tweak of confidence, a lack of self-consciousness.

I’ve got a pretty full roster of activity. I don’t think I’m going to spell them out here, because that has seemingly failed me in the past. I think I’ll just try to post here daily and discuss the woes and pitfalls (and also the wins and small joys).

A week in review

2007-07-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

It’s been a bit over a week, with a holiday weekend smooshed in the middle, and the question on everyone’s mind is, “how’d you do??”

And the answer, Dear Reader is, “meh.”

Overall though, it wasn’t too bad. A couple of slip-ups, partially involving the appearance of three types of ice cream/ice cream novelties in our house (three! types!) Nick’s sensational metabolism lets him indulge without a thought, and I have long ago decided that I have no right to insist upon a healthy eating plan for him, just because I’m trying to adhere to one. Given my weakness for ice cream, I held pretty strong. However, far from perfect. This week has been going along swimmingly, though, if I do say so myself. Stairs, check. No simple carbs, check (mostly). Run/activity other than football three times this week, it will be if I get my ass to the gym tonight. So not too shabby.

Baby Steps

2007-06-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided on two things.

The first is to try and make changes slowly. By this I mean that in making a commitment to myself to change one aspect, I don’t have to go balls out and change everything all at once, just that one aspect.

This relates nutritionally. I decided to stop eating refined carbs. Very good. Well done. And if I can really fulfill that commitment to myself, then I really will have done something good for myself. The problem is that the Perfectionist in my head wants to change everything else at the same time, which ultimately leads to me being overwhelmed and unhappy. In this case, I’m trying just to cut the refined sugars from my diet, but the Perfectionist sees an opening, and starts saying, “well, if you’re really trying to eat healthier, then you should start looking at your protein/carb ratios at the same time”.

There is some validity to this; right after being held in the sway of refined carbs, my next biggest nutritional pitfall is inadequate protein. But in trying to correct everything, there’s a lack of focus which for me leads to failure.

So this week I’m just going to focus on keeping my promise to myself of having no refined carbs. And if my macro nutrient ratios are out of wack (as they are today, with my whole grain cereal brekkie and my wild rice and fruit lunch, no real source of protein has made an appearance), really that’s okay. Once I get this part of it down, I can start learning the next trick, maybe next week or the week after.

The second is to forgive mistakes and claim the need for a do-over. It was almost 9:00 by the time I got home last night, and I was starving. While I was waiting for my supper to cook, a couple of friends stopped by. And with them they carried the remnants of their supper at Pizza Hut which they thoughtfully offered to share. I was able to push away the pizza without a second thought (not being much of a meat-eater), but snagged a fresh breadstick. I was halfway through before I remembered my promise to myself.

Here’s what I did wrong; I finished the breadstick (gasp! Hand to forehead). But here’s what I did right; rather than say to myself “ah well, you blew it anyway. May as well eat your face off tonight and then we can start again tomorrow” (because, you see, the Perfectionist is also a Defeatist), I said, “a four bite breadstick does not lose the battle”, and pushed away the rest of the plate to wait for my supper.

Two baby steps. And then two more. And then all of a sudden, I’m striding along, swingin’ my arms and whistling a tune as if I’ve done this forever.

A reaction and a promise

2007-06-25T12:57:00.001-07:00

Ack!! Ugh!! And, why?!?!?!?

I have just experienced three mini-binges over the past three days. I call them “mini” because in the past a binge would involve hours of food consumption that would wind up in the realm of ridiculous or even disgusting. All were during times of boredom and emotional frailty, but pure emotions were not the trigger for the most part. They started with a minor but entirely innocuous indulgence of a processed starch.

Now, as I said I fought my urge to continue the binge spiral with various degrees of success, but I do feel that I was much more successful than I was a year ago. So that’s some progress. But I think it’s time to stand up and recognize another culprit; SIMPLE SUGARS!

Now, in reality, this goes hand-in-hand with my emotional eating; when I’m sad or upset all I want is simple carbs. However, by opening the door just a leetle bit, I’m apparently inviting an onslaught of cravings. Yesterday I was bored and moody and a bit lonely. A single slice of sourdough bread started my sugar roller coaster, and it was only removing myself from the house that ended it. Today I had a sensible serving of gelato while walking and chatting with a girlfriend, but right after it was done I was thinking about my next sugar fix. If my emotions were a bit better adjusted today, then maybe this wouldn’t be an issue, but given that I’m in a long term relationship with someone who sends me topsy-turvy, I can’t count on my own innate stability.

So now that I’ve assigned blame, what can I do to prevent this from happening again??? Well, I think we all know the answer to this, although we may not like it; cut out the refined carbs from my life.

So, there it be, ladies and gents. I am going to make a commitment for the next month (that’s right, until July 25th) that nothing containing sugar or refined flour shall entire my mouth. Sticky rice will be the sole exception, because I consider sushi one of the healthier choices when seeking a restaurant, and don’t see any reason to throw the baby out with the bath water).

Aside from that, I’ve decided to also renew my commitment to cardio exercise outside of football. This week, and for the next month, I’m committing myself to at least THREE cardio sessions outside of football. And finally, I’m going to recommit myself to exclusively using the stairs to reach my third floor office.

So, to reiterate, for the next month I will:
1. Let no simple carbs pass these lips.
2. Run (etc.) at least three times a week.
3. Use the stairs in my office building.

Up for the challenge

2007-06-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

I am someone who likes to have goals and I have a tendency to make mini-challenges for myself all the time. This may have been something that I’ve always done (and I suspect that such is the case), but the first time that I specifically remember acknowledging this need was shortly after I graduated with my first degree.

I did my under-grad in Chemical Engineering. And because I like challenges, I took the option of having a course overload, which allowed me to work in an eight-month internship in the industry in which I thought I had some interest. So was busy. Very busy. And everything was broken into mini-challenges or goals in the form of papers and projects and exams (oh my!). So when I graduated and began working in the Real World, which consisted of a 37.5 hour work week (versus my 40 hour class schedule + 20 hours of assignment/project work + 15 hours at a part-time job), I had no idea what to do with myself.

I needed a challenge!!!

Some people roll their eyes at me for this innate need. Others have felt it necessary to try and have me “relax”. However, “relaxing” is done to make a person happy and satisfied, n’est pas?? Well, then, I find having mini-challenges “relaxing”. And please don’t have false expectations that my mini-challenges are in the order of building a canoe or epic novels. Think “mini”, people! While some have been on a larger scale (training for a half-marathon, and then later, a full-marathon), many have been significantly more humble (knitting a scarf, taking a 5-class course on the basics of pottery throwing). The key is not in the grandeur of the task, but in the task itself, in trying something or maybe achieving something. And the purpose is never for adoration or praise. At worst I’m looking for bragging rights that I gave it a go, and mostly I’m just interested in the experience.

So. That being said, I’m setting myself up for a mini-challenge (you had to know this was leading to something). And that is three and a half weeks of doing it right.

The background is that I am a tackle football player in a women’s rec league. We have an away game in 3 ½ weeks that’s in an area with be-you-tiful beaches. And I want to feel good about myself. I want to be without self-conscientiousness when I step on the sand in my bikini. I’m not looking for air-brushed, glossy perfection. I just want to feel good.

To work towards that, I plan on eschewing sugar and white starches for this period, and focusing instead of lots of fruits, vegs and lean protein. I also intend to return to my regime of weight training and adding cardio again (both of which have slipped considerably), and of course I’ll continue with football (which has been my saving grace when the strength training and cardio slipped).

Let’s begin, shall we?

What's in a name???

2007-06-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

While I’ve written other blogs in the past, I was reluctant to return to them. The most recent was being written during a time of upheaval in my life, which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing, but in this case was also a time when I allowed the upheaval to upset my internal equilibrium. Because of this, I don’t feel like that past blog was a good reflection of the person that I normally am.

And so I’ve decided to begin anew. And in doing so I’ve decided to name this blog in such a way that it’s reflective of the person that I am, or at the very least, the person that I aspire to be. The previous blog was very much focused on weight loss, and although I know that that will be a subject that will be raised again many times, I also want to acknowledge the other aspects of myself.

So what’s in a name? In this case, I’ve always railed against being defined by others, and in general, people have difficulty pigeon-holing me. If someone is successful, it’s usually because they’ve had a very limited experience of me. Sometimes this sucks; some friends who are professionals of different types think I’m too artsy; other friends who are artists think I’m too pragmatic. Most of the time I embrace the concept. I rarely think of myself as not fitting in anywhere. Rather I think of myself as someone who can fit in where ever and who can find common ground with almost anyone.

I’m more and more starting to really like the person that I am, both inside and out. I still have lows and moments of insecurity, and I am still trying to lose the last 10 to 15 pounds and find the perfect pair of black heels and that one shade of eyeshadow that makes eyes look just dreamy. The difference is that now I recognize that life is pretty great even if my hair isn’t.